Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Open Meadows

Well, for the last week or so, I've just felt as though I were walking in an open meadow in the middle of a beautiful valley and even a stream running playfully through the middle of it. I know that sounds kinda corny, but it's the best way to describe it. Just wonderful and peaceful. I have just felt really, really great the last couple weeks. No, I'm not drunk or high. (I think I'm done with that now)
December has been quite radical. For Halloween (yeah, I know it's not in December...) I went out with some friends from Provo, a friend from downtown SLC and another friend from south SLC. WOW, that was really crazy. I had a little bit too much to drink and then smoked a little too much pot...I stayed conscious all night, but that only happened with considerable effort. And because things were so horrible at the end of November, I think back on Halloween night and say that I really enjoyed it. My friends tell me I'm just about the most kind and loving drunk person ever. It's odd, but when I'm under the influence, I'm so grateful for the people I love and who love me. But, into December, I continued drinking more and more until I was hiding wine and vodka in my underwear drawer. I had term papers and projects, semester exams, the GRE, researching and applying to grad schools, and all of that while I was drinking more and more (bad combo). It really was too much and radical in an unsettling way. As December progressed, I didn't like it...but I don't know how I could have made it through emotionally without the escapes the alcohol, pot, and my friends gave. PS, I haven't drank in a while now (two weeks-ish) and I'm feeling really, really good about it.
What else in December? Well, a relationship. I got really attached and close to a guy that I've been friends with since September. He hangs out with the group I spend most my time with. I had originally crushed on him big-time and, unawares to me, he did the same. So, in December, we found out about each other's feelings'll stop there about that. Because of him, I started questioning what I would actually end up doing in the future. It's not that I think "he's the one," rather, I'm just shocked at how it felt to be in that kind of relationship - in a relationship with someone of the same gender/sex. I don't mean to sound mushy, but it was really different than I thought it would be. Different in that it was way more.
Because of the above, for the majority of December, I was really questioning what I would end up doing. I'm feeling pretty unsettled. I really feel ashamed writing that because everyone I know knows that I know what I'm supposed to choose (wife or celibacy), but the truth is - I'm unsettled. I don't really see myself with a partner, but I never saw myself even debating about it. I could see myself being celibate, even though thinking about the lack of a someone to share life with is abhorrent. I can see myself as a husband and father, but I don't exactly see myself courting or engaging in procreation...both are kinda necessary. So, door 1, door 2, or door 3? What's it gonna be? (I promise I don't think about it so causually)
I really, really enjoyed reading and commenting on others' posts this month. I had some really incredible awakenings because of what others wrote and the questions they made me ask of myself. If you promise not to make fun of me, I cried several times when reading posts (when I read most any post)...even if the post wasn't especially deep or heart-wrenching, I cried because I was thinking about the person that wrote it and how much I feel with him/her and love him/her. Just the thought of the fingers that typed the post and the depth of that person's thoughts, feelings, and soul was enough to cause me to tear up. My emotions were pretty close to the surface over the last month, especially when I was reading blogs. I think it's because of this great tear inside me and because of the deep empathy and love that we bloggers share. When I read others' words, I feel them so strongly.
Also, something that someone wrote made me go back and read a few of my older posts. This is post #14 since April of this year when I faced up to the truth. I've written about fears, friends, coming out and trying to come out, kissing, drinking, smoking, and toking. I used to really believe that being gay meant I was broken; now, I just accept that gay isn't broken, it's just the way that I am (not who I am) and I can't change it. I started out with a ton of optimism that I'd be able to lick it quickly and still get married in time to avoid serious questioning from family and, was I ever naive. I touched alcohol, tobacco, and mj for the first time in 10 years and I've still got alcohol to kick before I'm good on that front. I've talked about wanting to give up and about wanting to run away. I wrote about things that I know regarding God and love and forgiveness and acceptance. I wrote about things that I don't know like the future, me, and the big "why." I was touched by some of the stuff that I read from months past. I had a few moments of real clarity and inspiration. All in all, I'm so glad that I started posting. Because now, I've got friends and allies and advice to such an extent that I could have never found otherwise. Because now, I can track the way that I've been channeled by my experiences so that I can stand back and redirect myself to paths that are of my choosing instead of taking paths that are no more than reactions to experiences. And also because now, I can go back and read the things I said in those critical moments of clarity and awareness. We don't think well all the time. We make decisions that are seemingly unimportant, but that place us months later far from where we aimed to be. If we don't stay conscious of where we are versus where we planned to be, and where we want to be, then the natural/initial reactions we have to life's trials will be the determinants of our future instead of our conscious selves. If we don't decide our lives consciously, then other things will - other things will.
I thank God for these last days of open meadows. I'm thinking more clearly again. I feel so much these days and I like it. I love my friends and family (that includes all my friends and family). So...what now? I guess we'll see.


Andy said...

hey man...glad to hear things are going well for ya. hopefully things keep looking up.

October Rising said...

hey bud, wish we had more time to spend together before i left for good. luv ya. happy new year my friend.

Z i n j said...

A meadow is a kool place to be. I have a meadow in real life that is mine. Its small but green with a big giant boulder growing out of it on one side. The side is a steep rock rising hill. I can't decide to build in the meadow or on the hill to see the meadow. Meadows are a good place to be. Quiet, contemplative, until the big giant tree crashed down. It was odd to have been in an exact place when a tree ended its life. So random and intrusive near my tent. Then it all was quiet again as if nothing had happened.. The birds went on chirping as if oblivious to that rare event. Man, nature, religion, all interacting in poetic randomness. When you figure it out Robert...let me know, Your good at this kind of thing.

Kurt said...

Keep at it bud. Maybe dont spend so much time analyzing life. You should do some living now and again. Miss you.

Forester said...

Robert, you are going through so much of what I went through 15 years ago. I had a period of about two years where I thought a lot about coming out and living a gay life. I met a few gay friends during that time, but never revealed my own SGA. I'm guessing they probably new. For me, what ended up happening was that I prayed for a really close friend. I also switched from the U.of U. to Utah State at that time and ended up meeting a close friend who introduced me to my future wife. For some reason, things became more clear when I got away from my routine at the U. and started over. It was the first time I had been attracted both physically and emotionally to a woman. I figured that since I loved her and she me, I could make things work. And so far, I have.

The hard part is that I know the gospel of Christ as taught through modern prophets is true and that I want to do all I can to follow that path and stay close to the church. I don't let my SGA define who I am, and in fact, throw the opposite it its' face. Everybody says it's near impossible to live a straight life and have SGA. The world's definition of being gay is so narrow, and based on the world view, what I'm doing sounds crazy and near impossible, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Robert said...

Andy - Thank you man, a ton for being such a good friend. As grateful as you are, I'm exactly the same. Really man, thank you so much. Love you Andy. Really, thank you for being such a sincere friend.

October - Totally man. I thought you were staying in UT this semester as well, but I guess not. I really hope that life for you really starts looking up back home. You can find happiness and fulfillment. I really honestly believe that.

Zinj - Yep, meadows in the middle of no-where rock. That's why I described it like that. I really couldn't think of a setting I'd rather be in. Writing this post go me the way that I described in the last portion of the post. I feel like I could post again and have plenty to say. I might just do that tomorrow...we'll see. I love your posts and comments - I identify with them so well.

Forester - So, I was thrilled to read a post from you a few days ago, and then I was thrilled again to see that you commented on mine - and at such a challenging crossroad when I really need advise and encouragement. Your comment was very helpful and offered really appreciated guidance, even if you didn't mean for it to. Really man, thank you for sharing what you did with me. Thanks a ton Forester and I really hope for the best start to 2009 for you. Thank you.

Tommy said...

it's just the way that I am (not who I am)

finally it clicked in my mind how to separate that. thank you.

Robert said...

No problem Tommy. I know what you mean. It was so big for me when that clicked...and it continues to be important that I keep in mind that who I am is so much more than my sexuality - I'm me, and, oh, yeah, I like guys - so what about it. ;)

Michael said...

Hey it was nice to see you the other day. I'm glad you're doing better and hope you continue to figure things out. I think you have a healthy perspective on it all, even beyond the things you say in your blog (I mean, from what I know of you in person). Thanks for your thoughts and being so open about yourself. Talk to you again soon!

A CROW'S VIEW said...

Thats funny. We have that same picture in the corner of the bookshelf also. Since we replaced it we don't really know what to do with the old one, it feels kinda creepy throwing it away.

I think that be broken as well as being gay or whatever you want to call it. I think that one isn't nessarsly the other although one can help foster and make the other worse.

I'm sorry you've had a rough month. If it helps you to know you've been in my prayers since we talked on Thanksgiving. I hope you are feeling better. Even if we haven't hung out, I think you are pretty cool anyways.

Robert said...

Michael - Thanks man. I had a really good time seeing you too. I'm really glad that we're friends and I really mean that. We've known each other for quite some time now. It's pretty funny to think about this past year. Yeah, I'm glad we're friends.

Crow's View - Thanks man for your prayers. My mom always told me that she prayed for me when I was a missionary. It meant a lot to me. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you as well for the phone call. I'll call back when I get the chance. This new semester is going pretty good so far. I'm excited to get into it. Later Crow. Thanks man.

Some Like It Hot said...

I've kind of wondered why we haven't kept in touch much lately, now I know why...haha. Feel free to reach out to me anytime it suits you.

Love ya

Anonymous said...

Wow, I thought I commented on this when you first wrote it, but I guess not.

I loved this post. I can relate to so much of it right now.

Robert, I love you man! I really just love reading what you write. Thanks so much!

Andrew GaGa said...

you seem like a genuinely amazing person. glad I found your blog.