Saturday, December 12, 2015
So much has happened...and my desire to keep a record of my experiences has returned to me.
It was seven years ago in April of 2008 when I started the most profound, meaningful, and (now I can say) rewarding course correction of my life to date. I acknowledged that I was attracted to men and felt a gravitational pull to have dynamic intimate relationships with them. By ceasing my suppression and denial, I allowed my life to be valid and asserted that I could learn to accept myself unconditionally. I committed to stop denying my reality and step into it. Somehow and fortunately, I knew that I would struggle and I thought that if I kept a record of my experience that it would serve to help me find a direction when I got lost - so I started this blog and began to keep a record of my journey. And I've come back to read parts of my journey many, many times to orient myself or just to reminisce.
I want to start writing again to preserve the record, awakenings, lessons, trials, insights, and memories for my future self. Besides, journaling can be a therapeutic activity and I feel like this is a good life and I want to keep it good.
The video was my first recording with my helmet camera back in March of 2015 while I lived in Phoenix.
at 4:02 PM
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Am I alone? I know I'm not. But the feeling is none the real. I know I've been negligent. I didn't read the fine print. I didn't think that there were so many in's and out's. Sorry. Victimized? Nah, just, just not informed. Learning as we go, right? :(
at 8:49 PM
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Well, it was an interesting year...the one I spent in Sugarhouse, UT. The relationship with the guy I was dating didn't work out and life in that house turned pretty sour. Things got especially difficult toward the later part of 2011 and I only made it through by staying busy at work and with the love and encouragement of some very special friends.
Foremost among them was my biker friend. He and I met and became friends years ago but our friendship took off last summer as we ventured out every Saturday morning to ride up East Canyon and shoot pistols and swim off the shores of East Canyon Reservoir. We'd often stop at a bar and grill somewhere and eat and chat for hours. I also ended up joining a flag football league with him and played football twice every week for the whole of the summer. What a life-saver that all was. So much fun and at such a needed time.
I ended up spending most of 2011 working for a really nice Italian restaurant right nearby my house. I worked six days a week and double shifts most days so that I wouldn't have to go home. At work, I had dear friends and I made wonderful acquaintances with the restaurant's patrons. It was so good there that it seemed as though we might have been one big quirky family. I ate, drank, and sometimes even slept there. Most importantly, it was at work that I had peace. I'll be forever grateful for that place and the people that loved me there. And I loved them too.
Toward the end of the year, the home situation got bad enough that I just had to get out of there. I had to get out of Salt Lake. I had to remember and then reacquaint myself with the person I had once been. I'd lost my energy, my drive, my passion, and my desire to try. I knew I was more that what I had become and that if I didn't do something to recover my real self, I'd waste away till I was done - which at the rate I was going wouldn't have taken too long.
So I kinda tricked myself - tricked myself into moving away and getting back into school and doing the things that made me me. I started spreading a rumor that I had already made plans to move to Arizona at the beginning of the new year and go back to school. I told people I was excited to do it - that I was sure that this was going to work and that it was what I was meant to do. In truth, I had made no such plans and I was afraid - truly afraid - to change up my whole life when there was no assurance that it would even work...afraid that I couldn't do it. But, after starting the rumors and receiving loads of approval and encouragement from people I trusted, I began to think that maybe it could work. So, I started to make inquiries in Arizona. I thought about going to motorcycle mechanics school till hopefully starting my MSW program in the fall. I talked to old employers and friends. I wasn't too sure what to do. Then, out of the blue, I received a message from an old friend that was working at and equine boys ranch. After a few messages and phone calls, I found myself on my motorcycle riding through Utah's snow and rain to eventually make it down to a ranch just north of the Mexico border.
Life immediately changed for the better. The healing and learning is going pretty well here. I ride and train with horses most every day; I work with fun boys and great staff while sharing and talking about good life principles; and my work comes complimentary with room, board, and three squares a day.
at 1:24 AM
Monday, April 25, 2011
A year later, and I feel the urge to write. Nothing more nor less than the innate desire to express my life and thoughts in words - and the audience? myself, you...the unknown reader, and maybe to a few that will see a fresh post after more than a year's absence.
So, so, so much has changed. I've lived in Arizona, New York, Montana, and Utah in the last two years. But I think I've found home. I have someone now...leastwise, I think I have him. Lol. As many will willingly admit, relationships take work and I would venture to say that this is especially true for gay relationships. Both of us were raised LDS, so we've got our families and backgrounds to work with; but I think that we're doing well. We definitely have our disagreements and arguments, but we refuse to let them last for more than a few hours at most. We've found that it's most important to remember our love and care for each other and whatever the hell was causing us to be so angry...it can't possibly be more important than the way we furiously care for each other.
I've had four jobs in that same time span. Oi vey. I left one for school...got fired from the second cause the LDS owners found out I was gay (my suspicions)...got laid-off in a company downsizing...started serving tables...and then was offered a career position to sell and manage the distribution of crystal singing bowls. Go figure, but I'm back into a community that values energy, meditation, and non-dogmatic spirituality...I'm home. I even - at the behest of my employer - prayed for the first time in years last night. No incredible story, but it's a start.
Now-a-days, I wake up at 7:30, take a late lunch, lock up and head home. Am happy, and still right here.
at 9:44 PM