Monday, February 9, 2009

So 26 years are now over; and now, I'm me

I turned 26 today. My first thought this morning was that I should have accomplished more by now than I have. I'm still working on my undergrad and I've not really done anything of great or lasting consequence. I promise I've stayed really busy all my years, and I've tried to leave a good mark everywhere I go. However, I do take great comfort in what I have inter-personally - in who my friends are. Hillary said that she thought that the quality of my friends was a reflection on me. I half agree - I think it's as much good fortune/God's blessing that my friends are so incredible, uncommon, and heart-filled as it is a reflection on me. I'm unarguably a very fortunate person. I haven't been lazy or wasteful, but it's time to pick up the pace, be more efficient, and really do some of the things I want to do in life.

Yoga, running, basketball, volleyball, lifting with my cousin in the mornings, classes, work, and weekends. That's me - week in and week out. I'm loving it so much. I have two homes now. One in Provo and one in Holladay. I don't really spend much time in Provo aside from classes. I'm there for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning, but starting Thursday night, I go to yoga in Sandy and then to my second home in Holladay. It's this really beautiful house where three of my dearest friends live. I stay there all the way through till Monday night when I head back to Provo to go to school and work at the Prison. Over the weekends, I spend almost all my time with these friends and one other that lives close by. They're so kind and good. I think I like them so much because they're good people even though they're gay. Actually, I think they're better because they're gay and so good. And they are so kind and caring toward me. I really love them like real I would choose. We go to parties, clubs (especially Sat. night) and we have our traditional Sunday morning breakfast at Sharon's Cafe. We look out for each other. Then every Sunday afternoon, I go over to my cousin's for the afternoon and evening. They don't know what's going would just make things so much more complicated, but they are so loving. Sometimes I go to church with them. I love them and their daughters sooo much. The little girls call me Uncle Bobby and my cousin and her husband are so incredibly loving and fun.

For the most part, I've really been on cloud nine for January and the start of February. There are a few things that slow me down here and there, but not for long. All my grad school apps are in and I'm waiting anxiously for a word. It could drive me nuts, but I'm staying busy enough to get by. I kinda feel like I'm in limbo - waiting for the transition period to wherever I go to school. I start to make plans for this or that, but then I remember that it's all contingent on what happens with grad school. So, yeah, it is driving me nuts.

I'm thinking that I'll go back to work at The ANASAZI Foundation this summer. I can only go back there if I'm back to good with myself. I think I'm close to that. Working with the children there, you've got to be in the right place within yourself so that you're able to provide a safe and peaceful environment that powerfully invites awakenings. That's the miracle that kept me there for so long and that draws me back. At ANASAZI, we didn't preach to the children or teach them the right ways to change or improve; rather, we were quiet. When they got there, we spoke briefly about three things. First, we told them about the Seed of Greatness that is inside of every individual. When you see any person throughout your day today, see them as somebody who has an incredible seed of greatness within. Their heart feels as deeply as yours has, their tears and laughs are as emotionally filled as what you've known, and their worth is (like yours) more than you are willing to believe. See that in everybody and you'll be shocked at the value of the company you keep. Next we told them about the Making of an Asking. I would say to them that I know the value of learning things on your own - working out problems by investing your whole self and working all the way to your answer or solution. I would never think of taking that opportunity from them, so...I'll not interject myself unless they want me to. I'm dying to help. I'm watching and wishing I could help because I love them and they are my whole reason for being there, but I'll let them figure things out on their own, unless they ask. The Making of an Asking is when there is anything they would like of me and they let me know. Last, we'd tell them about the Making of a Listening. This is the most important thing that they can do out there. I would say that I don't know why they are there; but that no matter the reason, the most important thing we'll do in our desert home of Arizona cacti and junipers is to listen. At some time, say to me, "Hey, Robert, I'm going to go do the Making of a Listening. I'll be over there on the top of that rock." Then you sit there and think about your life and the challenges you face and you clear your mind and your heart and then listen - listen to the wind. When the Creator shares an awakening with you, He puts it on the sacred wind and it's your place to hear it. There are always messages on the wind and we can listen to them any time we wish, so long as we are willing to clear ourselves and listen. In the absence of distractions and unsolicited counsel, we would learn the most incredible things from the wind, plants, rocks, water, light, and animals. We would experience from our surroundings and from each other the most powerful and indescribable awakenings - all without words, all via the wind. The great miracle is that as long as we are willing to experience new awakenings, we can have new beginnings. As often as we are willing, we can become awake to new truths or be re-awoken to truths we've learned in the past, and we can begin anew - fresh. The past, present and future are all current with us. The potency of things that have been, the breath of the present, and the hope of what can happen are all in this moment with us and we can use them to be deep, great, and powerful people - to grow our seed of greatness. We forget it often, but this possibility is always there, always.

I don't have a boyfriend and it's been that way since the end of December. That's good. I don't have a girlfriend either. ;) I suppose that's good as well. I am still unsure of what will happen. Fortunately, the unsurity isn't for the same reasons as before (the bad from this post). It's because I want two opposite things so strongly and yet equally. I've read about D and UTMOHO and I feel so happy for them and I think they're such incredibly great and golden people - but how would I feel about me if I found that kind of happiness? I want that so badly... What if I married the woman I love? Right now, there isn't a soul, man or woman, I am happier to be with or love more than Hillary. Really, that's the bare and full truth. What to do? What to do? We'll see. I'm really doing great. I'm still in my open meadow and I'm so so grateful and peaceful. There have been a couple hiccups here and there but all really is well. I feel so full of love for everyone I spend time with and for all that I correspond with because of our blogosphere. Do not read that as an empty statement. Do not! Please. My heart is full because of thoughts of my friends who have offered support to me in times of deep confusion or despair. Please, please, believe what I say and feel my deep gratitude to you for your thoughts, concern, support, words, company, and love. Please do. Thank you so very much. Thank you