Friday, July 25, 2008

I don't know. What do you think?

I took a really well-placed vacation. Three weeks - one on the bike in Montana with my family and two in Alaska with very dear friends. I decided that it would be a complete hiatus from all the things that were on the table in my mind. It proved to be a little more difficult to clear that table than I had expected, but I did it. I relaxed everything, including my responsibility and guilt mechanisms. Wow, has this been helpful. It's like there's this wall and I'm pushing on it with all my strength and I won't give up till I push through. After some time, while I was still pushing with all my strength, the force that I was applying to the wall was a quarter of what it was when I started. So I stopped and stood up from my slouched position to re-evaluate if, where, and how to push.

Now that I'm nearing the end of the trip, I'm allowing stuff back onto my mind's table one issue by one. I've come across some questions and I'd like to write them (this helps like talking things through with somebody) and possibly hear some others' thoughts on them.

1. I am still ashamed and sick for experiencing same gender attraction. When I talk with anybody about this, I feel so gay. I would never want anybody to feel offended that I associate so many negative feelings with that term, but I can't call myself gay and not be very offset and upset with me. I'm really ashamed for these feelings and attractions. I know that there is a difference between attraction and action; nonetheless, I still feel this way. This needs to change, but how is it done. Sometimes, I think that I need to set this right to before I work on moving forward; and at other times, I think of this snag as being something that is slowing me down on my attempts to move forward and that I just need to detach the snag and let it take care of itself. The feelings of shame and guilt are potent and very unsettling, so I don't like to linger there. When I talk with some body about it, I feel dirty afterward. When I see an attractive guy, I am reminded of these desires and I feel dirty. I don't like to feel that way and I feel it constantly. That's a big part of why I've liked this vacation so much. How does one fix this...make it so that they don't feel wrong about it. I've read the church pamphlet "God loveth His children" and I've talked with the Matis' and my bishop, and in spite of all they've said, I can't get past the anger of being this way.

2. I was on a walk tonight and I realized that I feel like I went too far in coming out to myself. I've been allowing myself to say that I'm gay. I don't think that I'm going to say that anymore. I'm going to stop it at saying that I experience strong same-gender attraction - sga - and that it's really an obstacle for me. When I'd say that I'm gay, I felt like I was saying that I experience these attractions and not only am I ok with it, but I'm accepting of it and even allowing it. This is totally a result of my definition of the word, but all-the-same, I think it'll be helpful to change my language for now.

3. Relating to the first question, should I fix things or change or correct something before I try to move forward, or should I just move forward? If I try to do the former, then I feel like I'm starting on the way to be stagnant; and like stagnant water, I start to rot. If I do the latter, then am I setting myself up for disaster down the road for not fixing the problems or am I saying "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down!"?

As a concluding remark, clearing the table in my mind has been a very good experience. Relaxing my responsibility and guilt mechanisms has been equally wonderful. I can't do this all the time cause usually, there are important decisions to make and relationships to be responsible in and people to be responsive to, but the hiatus has been effective in helping me to find that I can be...experience sga and not have my family know and still have an amazing relationship with them. With sga being kicked from the concerns table, I was able to feel so there with my family and with the people in Alaska and not feel distanced. Hooray. I also realized how much I love the people I know in the sga community whether in person or through blogging.