Saturday, August 9, 2008

Please don't be

Please don't be disappointed. Please don't be upset.

So, when I took that last vacation...and I relaxed the guilt and responsibility and obligation feelings...I went too far.I had some mixed alcohol drinks at a few of our dinners and I smoked some. The drinking stopped when I left Alaska. It never was something that I really did a lot, but the smoking...well, it's continued. My thought was: "Well, I'm taking a break from everything. So, I will." and I did. I haven't been to church in a month and a half cause I've made no effort to attend while traveling.

When I came back from Alaska, I threw away what cigarettes I had and, like with the alcohol, I said I was done. If you've ever smoked, you know that they feel like they have a calming and numbing effect. So, with that being such a fresh memory, when I wanted to be numbed to frustrations, anger, dissappointment, or sorrow, I bought some more; and, it's been going on for the last few weeks. I thought and said, "If I trade smoking for masturbation and pornography, that'd be ok. Immorality is much worse than smoking and I know that I can quit smoking with no problem; so, if I only smoke when I want to masterbate or view porn, then that'd be a good plan. As the immoral cravings deminish, I'll be smoking less and that's that." Looking at it now, I think I just wanted a reason to be able to continue to numb myself with the flick of a lighter. Even now, writing this, I want to be numb. But I'm not going to. Physical cravings are nothing compared to psychological cravings. I know this absolutely. The problem I'm going to face with quiting smoking - starting today - will be the desire to be numb. To be numb, all I had to do was go outside away from anybody, and smoke. I don't think that we're supposed to be numb. Christ wasn't numbed when He'd have liked it. So, I've got to come to terms with feelings undiminished. This is hard to say and write. I quit as of now...not after one last one, but now. I quit because I was choosing and paying money to break promises - both temple and BYU promises; because I have to have integrity - if I don't, then what do I have; and because I'm sick. When I say sick, I mean that I'm so far from what can be the only good relief - the Creator - that I feel physically weak and sorrowful.

For life, God allots us certain burdens. If those burdens become too much to bear, is it not often (not always) because we have made them so? I've always had a very hard time asking for or accepting help. "I need to take care of this on my own." That's all I can think. Well, I can smoke on my own. I can't get help, forgiveness, strength, or love from God or anyone else if I'm going it alone. Alone and support are opposite. Alone and love are opposite. Alone is opposite from anything that I ever want to be; but, I feel that I need to take care of it alone. It won't work. It can't. I can't.

Is pain a step in the healing process? Where do I turn when I've estranged everyone from what's really going on? I know there are those that read this that truly love me. Thank you. Thank you all who comment and email. You must know the help that it is. Sorry for the sad post, I'm just feeling so much right now that I can't wait till I've got it figured out.

I feel horrible for persisting in smoking, especially given my enrollment at BYU. I'm done now.