Please don't be disappointed. Please don't be upset.
So, when I took that last vacation...and I relaxed the guilt and responsibility and obligation feelings...I went too far.I had some mixed alcohol drinks at a few of our dinners and I smoked some. The drinking stopped when I left Alaska. It never was something that I really did a lot, but the smoking...well, it's continued. My thought was: "Well, I'm taking a break from everything. So, I will." and I did. I haven't been to church in a month and a half cause I've made no effort to attend while traveling.
When I came back from Alaska, I threw away what cigarettes I had and, like with the alcohol, I said I was done. If you've ever smoked, you know that they feel like they have a calming and numbing effect. So, with that being such a fresh memory, when I wanted to be numbed to frustrations, anger, dissappointment, or sorrow, I bought some more; and, it's been going on for the last few weeks. I thought and said, "If I trade smoking for masturbation and pornography, that'd be ok. Immorality is much worse than smoking and I know that I can quit smoking with no problem; so, if I only smoke when I want to masterbate or view porn, then that'd be a good plan. As the immoral cravings deminish, I'll be smoking less and that's that." Looking at it now, I think I just wanted a reason to be able to continue to numb myself with the flick of a lighter. Even now, writing this, I want to be numb. But I'm not going to. Physical cravings are nothing compared to psychological cravings. I know this absolutely. The problem I'm going to face with quiting smoking - starting today - will be the desire to be numb. To be numb, all I had to do was go outside away from anybody, and smoke. I don't think that we're supposed to be numb. Christ wasn't numbed when He'd have liked it. So, I've got to come to terms with feelings undiminished. This is hard to say and write. I quit as of now...not after one last one, but now. I quit because I was choosing and paying money to break promises - both temple and BYU promises; because I have to have integrity - if I don't, then what do I have; and because I'm sick. When I say sick, I mean that I'm so far from what can be the only good relief - the Creator - that I feel physically weak and sorrowful.
For life, God allots us certain burdens. If those burdens become too much to bear, is it not often (not always) because we have made them so? I've always had a very hard time asking for or accepting help. "I need to take care of this on my own." That's all I can think. Well, I can smoke on my own. I can't get help, forgiveness, strength, or love from God or anyone else if I'm going it alone. Alone and support are opposite. Alone and love are opposite. Alone is opposite from anything that I ever want to be; but, I feel that I need to take care of it alone. It won't work. It can't. I can't.
Is pain a step in the healing process? Where do I turn when I've estranged everyone from what's really going on? I know there are those that read this that truly love me. Thank you. Thank you all who comment and email. You must know the help that it is. Sorry for the sad post, I'm just feeling so much right now that I can't wait till I've got it figured out.
I feel horrible for persisting in smoking, especially given my enrollment at BYU. I'm done now.
9 comments:
We all have our weaknesses and I am not disappointed in you at all. It takes courage to admit your problems to people. You are taking the right steps by trying to stop. You're a great guy. Never forget that!
I wouldn't worry too much about those things but I've heard the phrase "I can quit whenever I want" too many times and that's the last thing you need is to loose that battle... so don't be hard on yourself and even though I understand the desire to feel numb its not worth being addicted to cigarettes... so do whatever it takes don't lie to yourself if you can't handle it ask for help... I sound like a hypocrite but anyway I don't know what the weather is like tomorrow but a ride is always the answer... let me know if your free...
I hope you find peace. I think not attending church can be detrimental Not that Sunday is all we are...but I usually get a boost there...not always but often and find that so many like myself are fighting their own demons and need a place where burdons are eased. Today was one of those good Sundays for me. Great spirit and reenforcement from caring loving people all battling to stay afloat. I know this very kool and I must say hot girl at BYU that has an indominal caring spirit. Give her a call..she will raise your hopes and love your spirit. Having been a chewer of skoal, it only relaxes you after it has raised your anxiety. So its a deceiving high. The porno thing is so addicting. So be careful there. I releases tension but becomes short lived. Keep ride'in.
Everything you've mentioned in this post--smoking, drinking, masturbation and pornography--come with physiological changes and addictive attributes. By far, the worst I've heard is pornography, compared to some to be equivalent to heroin.
It's very tempting to just let slide with any of them.
Having never smoked, I can't tell you how that would be--but having imbibed of alcohol, I have to say that the smell of it, at times makes me long for it very, very much.
But, as you've realized, you need to step back, recognize that this is something you can't have in your life, and make the change, and I think you're there. We're always glad to support you--let me and Miki know if we can help. :)
I used to beat myself up pretty good when I slipped. Now I realize that true and lasting change takes time. In the mean time I will mess up, but I won't let that discourage me from getting up again. I will keep my arms wide open as I walk into the person I am trying to become. I know you can get back up, my hand is outstretched if you need someone to help lift you up :)
Robert there is a great conversation over at Mormommatters.org
Where did you get into smokes & booze? I thought you were a good little Mormon boy from a long time traditional family with lots of integrity? J/K
I recently came across your blog. I have really come to learn that even though we slip up, we are still human. We need to learn from the experience and try our best to do better next time. We all have our problems and know that you are not alone in your feelings and others are experiencing and have been where you are now. Its all about love and acceptance, but first we need to love ourselves. It takes time and effort. I am trying to love myself right now and it's not easy, but it will one day be worth it.
Stay strong.
D.
Wow, you really know how to say what is true. I read this blog and a lot of things hit home. Thank you. You made me think. You are right. I hope you are staying strong and doing your best. Remember even the smallest victory is a victory.
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