Every time I had ever changed stations in life, it was because of the same feeling inside me that was so clear in directing where to go and what I was to do there. As long as I followed it, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to be doing. When I left Arizona, I knew where I was supposed to go - UT, and I knew what I was supposed to do - go to school, but I had no idea why. For two years in AZ, I had been engaged in as good a cause and effective a cause as that when I was a missionary. Why was I supposed to move back to UT where I had crashed in stress, anxiety, and trouble? In April of this year, I went to the Mattis meeting (a supportive kind of evening for gay or lesbian LDS members). I finally started to deal with my homosexual feelings. All the sudden, I knew that this was the reason I was supposed to move to UT. I had to deal with it. Now, after all the events of the last five months, I'm asking, "What was He thinking?!@#?"
I don't know. It's like I know where I should be when all is said and done, but I don't see the way to get there and I'm only facing that direction when I stop, turn, and look that way thinking, "Look, that's the final destination." I hope that this lost feeling will pass. Maybe it's a temporary transient feeling. Probably, it's the case that I have to work hard to start feeling found again. Definitely, there are some things that can never and should never change - including God and his nature, the truth and reality of faith, and one's history and origin; and on the other hand, there are other things that are meant to change - a man's character, desires, nature, abilities, and future. Time and work. That's what can change things. Both necessary and costly; but some things are worth it...like eternity. If only I could really feel this all the time. Thanks to the Creator for family, friends, and their and His love...and thanks to them. Here's to letting those you love and can't do without know it.