Monday, November 24, 2008

Hey Robert, look closely, be honest.

Beer, MJ, clubbing, and kissing guys. You'd have never believed it if someone had said that you'd be doing these things again. It's not you, it never was, and was never supposed to be.

In the past month, I've made the first two habit, I seek them out. I'm not me anymore... Even now, typing this, I just want to go smoke some weed, have a couple beers, and kiss a guy. Not just anybody, but someone close. That's the reason for the long silence - things haven't been well. I can't stand keeping it in/secret anymore. I'm terrified to publish this post because I don't want to hurt Hillary. I'm not sure that I'll hit the "Publish Post" button. But, I've got to be honest. I'm not me anymore. I'm someone different. She's dating other guys and I'm so happy for her. In the most sincere and utterly honest way, I hope that she finds someone that loves her like I do, but that can offer her everything. This blog has to be the place where I'm honest and real. It was created to be the place that I can write whatever because it's me that I'm writing to. For the first couple of months, I didn't share the address because I didn't intend for it to be public. I started it so I could get it all out. So, this is it, this is what's real. I am sorry for it.

I'm sorry that it all sounds so dramatic. I know that being mormon and attracted to guys is not a death or damnation sentence. I know that we make our lives and are held to the consequences of our choices. It's simple as that. My challenges aren't beyond those of many of my friends that still choose the right. Gay LDS guys can be totally happy, get married to a wonderful wife, and have a great family. It happens! What hurts is that I know I'm not who I've become. I've lost the true me. I don't think much anymore. And here I am, I'm sorry for who I've become.

I know it can change...that I can change it. Somehow, it will...I will. I quit smoking and drinking for a month or so...but I'm drinking again and now I've smoked MJ a few times as well. What have I done? I don't see clearly because I refuse to look closely at life. I don't believe that things will drastically change as a result of this post. No, not drastic change, it'll be slow and eventual. I'll be a temple goer again someday, I'll be helping families again, and I'll be me again. I hope sooner than later, but that has yet to be seen. Who am I? I am RedSageWarrior and BrightMedicineHorse, I'm Elder Stahl and Uncle Bobby, I'm Boy Wonder and Obie-One. That's who I am. It's these scales and tar that I've got to shed. They're abrasive, they're heavy. It'll change - I'll change. Watch, but just be patient Robert, be patient.
P.S. I am so incredibly grateful for the friends I've made and the people I've met through blogging. Wow, we're fortunate to have each other, especially because of the diversity of our experiences and understandings. I'm grateful for that every day. Also, I didn't mean to sound like I'm severely depressed or struggling. I really only get sad when I think about what I'm doing - about how I really want to be right with myself and God but at the same time, I'm doing things that I know are not ok and lead me away from the kind of me that I want to be. I've been good before. Good in the sense that I loved who I was because it was the best expression of me I'd ever seen. That's who RedSageWarrior and BrightMedicineHorse, Elder Stahl and Uncle Bobby, and Boy Wonder and Obie-One are. They're versions of me from the past where my actions and desires were in sync. Who I was was who I wanted to be; where I was was exactly where I wanted to be; and what I was doing was exactly what I wanted to be doing. I've never really been this dissonant before, but, I will get back to good. It's just not happening like I want it to, and as is reality, it's hard. I do laugh and have fun and I've got great friends to spend time with. I thank the heavens for that. I just fear to wear out God's patience or not stop this before I do something really harmful. I don't feel that it's good to "take my time," but on that same note, I can't be impatient...change, lasting change, takes time.
P.P.S. I haven't been kissing a lot of guys...or even certain guys a lot. I just really want to, wish to, and I think about it somtimes too much.