Monday, February 9, 2009

So 26 years are now over; and now, I'm me

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I turned 26 today. My first thought this morning was that I should have accomplished more by now than I have. I'm still working on my undergrad and I've not really done anything of great or lasting consequence. I promise I've stayed really busy all my years, and I've tried to leave a good mark everywhere I go. However, I do take great comfort in what I have inter-personally - in who my friends are. Hillary said that she thought that the quality of my friends was a reflection on me. I half agree - I think it's as much good fortune/God's blessing that my friends are so incredible, uncommon, and heart-filled as it is a reflection on me. I'm unarguably a very fortunate person. I haven't been lazy or wasteful, but it's time to pick up the pace, be more efficient, and really do some of the things I want to do in life.

Yoga, running, basketball, volleyball, lifting with my cousin in the mornings, classes, work, and weekends. That's me - week in and week out. I'm loving it so much. I have two homes now. One in Provo and one in Holladay. I don't really spend much time in Provo aside from classes. I'm there for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning, but starting Thursday night, I go to yoga in Sandy and then to my second home in Holladay. It's this really beautiful house where three of my dearest friends live. I stay there all the way through till Monday night when I head back to Provo to go to school and work at the Prison. Over the weekends, I spend almost all my time with these friends and one other that lives close by. They're so kind and good. I think I like them so much because they're good people even though they're gay. Actually, I think they're better because they're gay and so good. And they are so kind and caring toward me. I really love them like real family...family I would choose. We go to parties, clubs (especially Sat. night) and we have our traditional Sunday morning breakfast at Sharon's Cafe. We look out for each other. Then every Sunday afternoon, I go over to my cousin's for the afternoon and evening. They don't know what's going on...it would just make things so much more complicated, but they are so loving. Sometimes I go to church with them. I love them and their daughters sooo much. The little girls call me Uncle Bobby and my cousin and her husband are so incredibly loving and fun.

For the most part, I've really been on cloud nine for January and the start of February. There are a few things that slow me down here and there, but not for long. All my grad school apps are in and I'm waiting anxiously for a word. It could drive me nuts, but I'm staying busy enough to get by. I kinda feel like I'm in limbo - waiting for the transition period to wherever I go to school. I start to make plans for this or that, but then I remember that it's all contingent on what happens with grad school. So, yeah, it is driving me nuts.

I'm thinking that I'll go back to work at The ANASAZI Foundation this summer. I can only go back there if I'm back to good with myself. I think I'm close to that. Working with the children there, you've got to be in the right place within yourself so that you're able to provide a safe and peaceful environment that powerfully invites awakenings. That's the miracle that kept me there for so long and that draws me back. At ANASAZI, we didn't preach to the children or teach them the right ways to change or improve; rather, we were quiet. When they got there, we spoke briefly about three things. First, we told them about the Seed of Greatness that is inside of every individual. When you see any person throughout your day today, see them as somebody who has an incredible seed of greatness within. Their heart feels as deeply as yours has, their tears and laughs are as emotionally filled as what you've known, and their worth is (like yours) more than you are willing to believe. See that in everybody and you'll be shocked at the value of the company you keep. Next we told them about the Making of an Asking. I would say to them that I know the value of learning things on your own - working out problems by investing your whole self and working all the way to your answer or solution. I would never think of taking that opportunity from them, so...I'll not interject myself unless they want me to. I'm dying to help. I'm watching and wishing I could help because I love them and they are my whole reason for being there, but I'll let them figure things out on their own, unless they ask. The Making of an Asking is when there is anything they would like of me and they let me know. Last, we'd tell them about the Making of a Listening. This is the most important thing that they can do out there. I would say that I don't know why they are there; but that no matter the reason, the most important thing we'll do in our desert home of Arizona cacti and junipers is to listen. At some time, say to me, "Hey, Robert, I'm going to go do the Making of a Listening. I'll be over there on the top of that rock." Then you sit there and think about your life and the challenges you face and you clear your mind and your heart and then listen - listen to the wind. When the Creator shares an awakening with you, He puts it on the sacred wind and it's your place to hear it. There are always messages on the wind and we can listen to them any time we wish, so long as we are willing to clear ourselves and listen. In the absence of distractions and unsolicited counsel, we would learn the most incredible things from the wind, plants, rocks, water, light, and animals. We would experience from our surroundings and from each other the most powerful and indescribable awakenings - all without words, all via the wind. The great miracle is that as long as we are willing to experience new awakenings, we can have new beginnings. As often as we are willing, we can become awake to new truths or be re-awoken to truths we've learned in the past, and we can begin anew - fresh. The past, present and future are all current with us. The potency of things that have been, the breath of the present, and the hope of what can happen are all in this moment with us and we can use them to be deep, great, and powerful people - to grow our seed of greatness. We forget it often, but this possibility is always there, always.

I don't have a boyfriend and it's been that way since the end of December. That's good. I don't have a girlfriend either. ;) I suppose that's good as well. I am still unsure of what will happen. Fortunately, the unsurity isn't for the same reasons as before (the bad from this post). It's because I want two opposite things so strongly and yet equally. I've read about D and UTMOHO and I feel so happy for them and I think they're such incredibly great and golden people - but how would I feel about me if I found that kind of happiness? I want that so badly... What if I married the woman I love? Right now, there isn't a soul, man or woman, I am happier to be with or love more than Hillary. Really, that's the bare and full truth. What to do? What to do? We'll see. I'm really doing great. I'm still in my open meadow and I'm so so grateful and peaceful. There have been a couple hiccups here and there but all really is well. I feel so full of love for everyone I spend time with and for all that I correspond with because of our blogosphere. Do not read that as an empty statement. Do not! Please. My heart is full because of thoughts of my friends who have offered support to me in times of deep confusion or despair. Please, please, believe what I say and feel my deep gratitude to you for your thoughts, concern, support, words, company, and love. Please do. Thank you so very much. Thank you

7 comments:

Bravone said...

Roberto, I can't believe I missed your birthday. 26 sounds so much better than a quarter of a century. It is easy to dismiss or not recognize our own growth and accomplishments, but I'd suggest that you have grown and accomplished much the past 26 years. I always appreciate the honesty and sincerity of your thoughts. I think if I could spend a week in the wild with ou and Zinj, I would find such peace that I could nearly float home.

I am really happy that you are in such a good place right now. You are working so hard at keeping balance and it shows. I hope it carries you through this final semester.

The whole Anasazi experience intrigues me. The way you interact with the youth reminds me so much of how Father deals with us. He tells us that we are his sons and daughters, that we have the seeds of greatness witin. Then he waits for us to turn to him in asking. He then speaks to us if we will listen. It seems to be based on eternal principles.

I concur with Hillary that the quality of your friends, with one exception, is a reflection on the person that you are. You are true, and lift those around you even though you may at times feel week yourself. You have a gift that blesses many lives.

I am grateful to be one of the beneficiaries of that gift.

hiddeninthelight said...

Robert! Every time I read one of your new posts, I feel so good. I seriously look up to you so much.

I loved the paragraph about the philosophies of Anasazi. If there is anyway I can get away for the summer and be with Anasazi, I'm doing it. I think all of that is so applicable to everyone's life. We all need those three things. I think that if I were to personally apply those things to myself, I'd feel so much better about myself. Thanks man! I love ya!

Robert said...

Bravone - Don't worry about the birthday. I don't tell people about it because I'm not a fan of celebrating it. I'm just wierd that way. While I was at ANASAZI, I really came to a better understanding of Heavenly Father and I felt like I had a much better idea of how He works with us. I tell you man, I love that place and the awakenings that they facilitate. As far as the "one exception," I sure hope that you're not thinking that you're the exception. You, my friend, are of incredibly high quality. Believe it or else! ;) Thank you man for your support and encouragement and love. Love you man. Thank you.

Hidden - Thank you so much bro. I feel the same way about your posts. Whenever I think about you, I just smile because of seeing you and your parents at the Matis'. And if you do get the chance, come to ANASAZI. You'd love yourself forever for choosing to work at ANASAZI, even just for a summer. Love ya man.

Z i n j said...

I Thank the Lord for you and Braveone and others who give so much back....I'm still here. Don't worry if I go. I love ya man. Good luck with all that is before you. You'll feel my spirit when ya visit the desert and the red rocks. Look for me whispering in the wind.

Some Like It Hot said...

Happy birthday Robert! You're the best.

October Rising said...

welcome to club 26! nice to know i'm no longer alone :p

Robert said...

Zinj - Hey bro, know that you're loved. When I read about your hurt, I feel it. When I read about your gratitude or peace, I feel it too. Take good care man. Love ya Zinj. Remember bro, I'm here for whenever - if ever - things get too hard or rough. Love ya bro.

Some - Thanks man. You're a stud yourself. I'm still waiting to hear from the schools. Ahhh. It's killing me now. :) Wow, I hope that they at least want to interview me. I'm glad that work and home are going well for you right now. From your blog and the last time we talked, it seemed that 2009 has been really nice for ya. It has for me too. Love ya bro. I'll be out that way soon and you'll have to show me some cool stuff. Love ya man. Later

October - I'm in the club now. Yahoo!!! I always knew that I couldn't stay 25 forever. I really liked that number...although it wasn't exactly the best year for me... 23 was a great year and so was 24. I think 26'll be pretty good too. It's started out really well. Are there any membership fees or cover charges for this club? Love ya man. Stay golden.