In Hiding

It'd be so nice if they knew; but then again, would it?

My dad and I recently spent a week together on our motorcycles riding to and from and around AZ. Camping, talking, advising, cliff jumping and everything else fathers and sons do. I was indescribably excited for this week; but during the week, things started to feel short-changed and when it was over, I was really upset. From the outside and maybe for him, the week was great. We did anything that you could have wanted to do. But there was something very real putting distance between us. This thing that is 60% of my life (I'm trying to bring that down...) I couldn't say a word to him about it or ask for his thoughts or philosophies.

I used to talk with my parents a lot-each one,twice daily. I know it sounds excessive, but they were always really nice calls and we always had good stuff to chat about. Up until April (when I "came out") there wasn't a part of me or a worry or a joy that I didn't share with them. Now, we talk twice a week, and our conversations seem to take place because they're supposed to. It's not their fault. My mom has asked me if something is wrong...she wonders why we don't talk much anymore. My sisters and cousins,who I see often, have asked the same thing wondering why I'm not as energetic and outgoing and happy as I used to be.

As I've described, I tried to tell my sister. That didn't go well. Today, I spent the whole evening with my dearest cousins, but a large part of me wasn't there... I've come to understand what Calvin meant when he said that if he continued on without telling his parents, he felt he would explode. I'm slowly isolating and distancing myself from my family, and they're asking me "why". SGA would explain so much and they would understand so many more of the things that make me feel empty or full.

This evening, with my cousins, I did a little imagining of what it would be like if my family knew.........
It was horrible. People would walk as if they were on egg shells. I would be the "gay cousin" that had everybody confused for so long. If my parents knew, I would go from being their only son to their gay son. They wouldn't alienate me or shun me. They'd love me; but, I would no longer be their only son, I'd be their gay son. Everything would change. The distance between us would grow, not diminish. It would grow cause I hated myself for being the problem and because they wouldn't know what to say...so they wouldn't say much at all. The gay bashing would be stopped at the tips of the tongues and the resulting silence would be mystery to none, rather would serve to remind everyone as to why we don't make those jokes anymore. There would be a homosexual in the family, and so things would have to change...........
I know that I could keep it at just telling my parents, but that would start nasty secret keeping that would be really rotten whenever more of the family was together and either shared their views on homos (you'd be surprised at how often this happens) or asked some "why" questions of me wherein the answer would be "well...cause I've got this gay problem."

I was really starting to consider telling my parents and maybe some others... No, not after tonight. Maybe I can fix this distance problem without disclosing anything. Our relationship has been excellent in the past. It just seems that now, the hardest issue I've ever known - the one that kicks my butt; the one that's been the source of the greatest fear, shame, and uncertainty of my life; the one that I need help most in - I have to hide...

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P.S. My imagined outcome of "what could happen if..." is just my best honest guess at what coming out to family would cause. My family really is incredible, they think that I'm going to be and do great things. They really do give me a lot of credit, maybe I'm not giving them enough. I'm just too afraid that what used to be so amazing could be lost for good. The less risky thing would be to try and bring things back to the way they were without telling them about this struggle.