Saturday, June 14, 2008


Hmmm. It’s been too long. Since I last posted, I’ve messed up a lot. Boy, I’m really sorry for that. I’m at the point now to where I don’t know if I should just throw up my hands with this or whether I should keep fighting. “Throw up my hands” doesn’t mean “embrace homosexuality.” It just means “drop the issue and live life aside of it.” I know it won’t go away, but I don’t think it’ll do any good to turn a lot of attention to achieving progress—especially when I don’t even know what kind of progress to achieve. By throwing up my hands, the pathway I’m living life on will no longer be measured by success or failure in being gay or straight. I’m not sure whether this is a bad case of give-it-up-itis or whether it’s smart…or both. Whatever it is, I’m doing it.

I haven’t talked to my bishop in a little while because I don’t want to tell him how things are going unless I can tell him how it’s going well. A little more than a month ago, I started to do a nightly scripture and prayer with Aaron via video chat (skype). Wow, that was really nice. One of the thoughts that he shared was from The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis. It talks about divine love and goodness.

“By the goodness of God we mean nowadays almost exclusively His lovingness; and in this we may be right. And by Love, in this context, most of us mean kindness—the desire to see others than the self happy; not happy in this way or in that, but just happy. What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of anything we happened to like doing, ‘What does it matter so long as they are contented?’ We want, in fact not so much a Gather in Heave as a grandfather in heaven—a senile benevolence who, as they say, ‘liked to see the young people enjoying themselves’, and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, ‘a good time was had by all.’ Not many people, I admit, would formulate a theology in precisely those terms: but a conception not very different lurks at the back of many minds. I do not claim to be an exception…”

And about love: “The lowest type, and one which is ‘love’ at all only be an extension of the word, is that which an artist feels for an artifact. God’s relation to man is pictured thus in Jeremiah’s vision of the potter and the clay, or when St. Peter speaks of the whole Church as a building on which God is at work, and of the individual members as stones. The limitation of such an analogy is, of course, that in the symbol the patient is not sentient, and that certain question of justice and mercy which arise when the ‘stones’ are really ‘living’ therefore remain unrepresented. But it is an important analogy so far as it goes. We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character. Here again we come up against what I have called the ‘intolerable compliment’ (basically that God loves us so much that he will not leave us alone—thus intolerable and complimenting). Over a sketch made idly to amuse a child, an artist may not take much trouble: he may be content to let it go even though it is not exactly as he meant it to be. But over the great picture of his life—the work he loves...—he will take endless trouble—and would, doubtless, thereby give (be the source of) endless trouble to the picture if it were sentient. One can imagine a sentient picture, after being rubbed and scraped and recommenced for the tenth time, wishing that it were only a thumbnail sketch whose making was over in a minute. In the same way, it is natural for us to wish that God had designed for us a less glorious and less arduous destiny; but then we are wishing not for more love but for less.”

Maybe we’re not supposed to fix every broken thing in life. Maybe, we’re supposed to do the most possible good with what we have. Maybe, these broken things are the very same things that will enable us to achieve greater levels of service that would otherwise be impossible. Maybe, we’re not all supposed to have the “traditional” life here...or maybe it’ll just happen a little later on. And along with that, what can we hope to become without learning to deny or control our passions…ourselves? Please don’t think of me as trying to preach. The only person I’m trying to teach here is myself. Otherwise, I’d be bordering hypocrisy. Maybe, we should just do what we can, find happiness where it is now, and hope (sometimes blindly) that the rest will work out according to some/the divine plan…

And maybe I just think too much…


Michael said...

You don't think too much.... take it from me. :)

Those were amazing quotes. So powerful. And so well stated.

I haven't found a way yet to "drop the issue and live aside of it" though. It always rears its ugly head no matter how hard I try to focus on other things. Somehow I just don't think 'white knuckling' my way through life is going to cut it. I know that sounds horribly pessimistic, but I'm really just trying to be realistic.

I have some more thoughts that I'd love to share with you in person. Maybe I'll get around to commenting again when I have more time.

Michael said...

In case you're wondering, 'white knuckling' is NOT a euphemism for masturbation. Just thougt I'd make that clear.