Conditioning and Caboosing

"We love you no matter what and as long as you don't give in to that, everything is ok." - mom and dad

"You'll always be my brother and I'll always love you. As long as you resist that temptation, you have nothing to be ashamed of." - little sister

"Robert, I've known you for so long and I know who you are. Because I know that I know you, no matter what ever happens, I'll love you and you will never change for me." - real friend

Please don't condition your love for me - leave off the caboose. Perhaps you don't intend to, but your words betray you. The value in the words of what my "real friend" said is indescribable. I've heard it only a few times, and it always evokes emotion from deep within. I watched Harvey Milk tell a fearful young gay man, "you are not sick and you are not wrong and God does not hate you." I want to believe it so badly that I find myself needing to wipe my eyes or breathe deeply for fear of losing my composure. How can a society of "saints" indoctrinate its young disciples with such horrible messages that they believe they are sick, wrong and hated of God for being gay? Christ said that LOVE was the greatest commandment of all. If you have to put love aside to do something in the name of your deity, then haven't you missed the mark? If you condition your love, then haven't you conditioned your discipleship?

My cousins black-listed me. I've lived in their home, I was roommates with another, and I baby sat for and visited them weekly. It is more than words can convey, how horrible such reactions are. Parents that cast their gay child to the curb; brothers, sisters, or extended family that cuts them out of their lives; and universities or communities that expel them from their organizations. Is such conditional association consistent with love, compassion, or even respect?

My psychology hero is Carl Rogers. One of many tenants he had for effective counseling or therapy was that it must be non-directive. When there is unsolicited directional counsel or expectations, they hinder progress because they become interference and static. This detracts from the individual's ability to make discoveries and intrinsically motivated decisions. Each person must come to find their concept of the world and the course for their life. This requires that they are able to discover it themselves, free from the innumerable influences that are only motivated by self-benefit. Support and love is requisite - but conditions and cabooses can be fatal.

To truly love someone, you desire the best for them. With conditional love, you desire what's best for you - and so you care not whether your counsel is unsolicited or directional, because it is motivated by your interests. If I love someone, I will trust them with their life and support them with real love free of conditions. When others do this for me, I feel that their care is genuine. They become a safe place for me to open my heart and mind to explore. Only then do I become desirous of their counsel.

A post script prompted by Calvin's valid comment:

So, there is love, and love needs to truly be unconditional. As far as support, we would hope that our loved ones would be willing to support us no matter what (as long as we're not way off the mark; for instance, I don't expect that they would support me if I was robbing convenience stores). So, support is something that we hope for and I hope that my family would support me whether I had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Regarding consequences, they are the results of our actions. They're sometimes good, sometimes bad, and sometimes they're neither. I don't find it unjust that certain choices can lose me my membership in the church. My involvement is voluntary and it's their prerogative to set conditions for their community. If I was a member of PETA, then I'd probably need to stop hunting. Yeah? While this is the case, I really wish that things were different. I wish that familial support could continue even if someone had a same sex partner. I wish that there was a different way for the church to deal with actively homosexual members. And I wish that love would prevail in questionable situations.

Thanks Giving Day

I woke this morning at 4:45 to get ready for work...and as I climbed into Hillary's little Toyota Tercel, I felt more grateful than I have in a long, long time. I feel the greatest portion of gratitude for the people - both family and friends - with whom I get to share bonds of love, compassion, care, and profound closeness. Without these people, life is cold and absolutely devoid of meaning; but with these relationships, I can see a purpose, potential, and value even in wandering. I truly hope that none of these friends or family would need to question my appreciation for them. They held my hand when I bought my first home, they kept me safe when I was emerging from the closet, they carried me through sickness and surgery, and they sheltered me when I was homeless. In all these things, they've continuously done one thing - they've loved me. Through all that we experience in life and through all the choices that we have and will make, the greatest question is, "how much do you love?" Order, read, or borrow Carol Lynn Pearson's book The Lesson: A Fable for Our Times. Indeed, Christ (whether Savior, prophet, teacher, or all three) said that the greatest commandment was to love God, your neighbor, and your own self. If we truly love, then respect and kindness and sacrifice come naturally and in turn. I feel deep, genuine, and profound gratitude in my soul for those who care and who harbor a form of love for me. It gives me life when I feel lifeless, it gives me reason when I feel there is none, and it provides truth when I feel lost. If only "thank you" could fully carry the depth of gratitude I wish to express...if only.

I am also truly grateful to God, the creator and operator of our world. I'm grateful for the resilliance of our spirits and bodies. Even though at times I've questioned whether or not I could recover from some blows, it's always happened - I've always recovered. I'm grateful that I'm healthy both in mind and body. I'm grateful for the life I was born into. My country, my family, the conditions of the time I live in and the people with whom I share life - I do not and will not take any of it for granted.

Even though some things are not well, I can still be very grateful for other things that are. Truly, gratitude is the harbinger of happiness.

Coming To My Senses?

I can't spit anything out...there's so much going on - both fun and not-so-fun - but it doesn't seem to want to be sorted out. The following are entries that I started...but couldn't see through to a final conclusive end.

October 26 - On the Issue of Repentance

[I have so many thoughts relative to this topic, but I couldn't type a one.]

October 28 - My, oh My. How Things Have Changed

I wrote this almost exactly a year ago: I'm afraid of the future...of me in the future. I'm afraid that I'll become someone that I'll regret, or that I'll regret living alone, or that I'll regret marrying, or that I'll regret something I didn't want to type.

I'm no longer afraid of the future - I'm going to choose the paths I walk, and I'll choose them out of a healthy state of mind and because I feel and believe that they are the better choice. I'm no longer afraid of me in the future - I'm not a wild-card as long as I'm not making choices out of fear, despair, or hopelessness. Regrets? Well, it's going to be a challenge, but I'll work my best to make choices that I won't regret. It might not come out clearly, but here's a thought: When I stand at a crossroads, mine will be the charge to make the choice that most befits my values, passions, concerns, awakenings, and beliefs. If I am honestly true to these things, then I will have no reason, in sixty years, to look back with the smallest degree of regret for the life I will have lived.

October 31 - Oh, Parents. What Do I Say To You?

Mom and dad know I'm gay. They've accepted that guys have a spell on me and not girls; but, I'm slowly finding that while they say they'll always love and support me, their actions say otherwise. They told me that they want to know what's going on (I would guess that they said this because...well, that's what parents feel is the right thing to say); unfortunately, they've given me two options to chose from when I tell them what's up: "Hey mom and dad, I hold a current temple recommend and I'm going to the temple regularly" or "I'm working with my bishop to become worthy to go back to the temple." So, what if neither of those is the case? Well, then they don't want to hear it.

At the beginning of the month, I told them that I've started going back to church. I asked if they would like to read something that I recently wrote. My dad said yes. I told him that it would reveal some of the things that I did last year to cope with the hard times. He said that he'd still like me to send it. I sent them the post, The LDS Church and Gays. After a week of silence, my mom wrote a letter and called me to shame for having turned to drugs to cope and because I'm "speaking against the prophets and apostles of the church," my sister phoned me in tears because mom told her that I'm "writing anti-Mormon literature," and just last Monday my dad told me that he would rather that gays stayed hidden in fear because at least they didn't have such a negative effect on society like they do now. Wow, that didn't go well. I told them that they had terribly misunderstood the message of what I wrote; I said that we would just have to agree to disagree on a few things; and I worked at being patient toward them and not taking offense at what they said or believed. But yesterday, I failed.

By nine in the morning, I was so angry and frustrated. I just didn't know what to do. I almost went to the liquor store for a bottle of something strong, but I decided to go to the Borders bookstore instead and get lost in a good novel. It worked, the anger and frustration went away, but the problem remains. I really don't know what the future will look like and I've quit using absolutes like never and always; so, I've been thinking about where my parents are coming from and what I could do to slowly wear away at the irrational, traditionalist, and narrow sight they seem to have. Eh, whatever.

November 3 - Closets are for Clothes...and Me!

Oh, no. So, my cousin told my aunt and my aunt told the rest of her family. Their reactions: one didn't have a problem, one cried, and the others? S__t, f__k, damn, and hell. Those were their reactions, respectively. This was why I didn't tell them. Oh, no...

Like I said. A lot of jumbled stuff and it's not falling into any sort of coherent framework. I guess sometimes you're just jumbled, and that's ok. Also, it's interesting to see the way that emotions and stress can so strongly influence my thoughts and opinions. I'd like to admit that I was quite frustrated or discouraged as I started writing some of these entries. I think that I was somewhat unfair to my parents in what I said - it's hard for them too. Mine isn't the only heart that experienced fear, hurt, and despair. I submit this only because I want to remember how easily I can become jumbled and confused. I think it's added to because...well, there's this someone...

The world without is but a reflection of the world within

For such a long time now, I've felt so much frustration and bitterness. And only because it's natural for us (maybe just for me) to need a focus for such feelings, the target of my bitterness and frustration became God and by association, the LDS Church (the one that I was raised in). I was able to be more understanding toward the church and its members - they are, like me, human and I understand what that's like...to not be perfect; but toward God, because "He is perfect," I didn't feel that I needed to temper my anger and criticism toward Him. In my work with struggling youth and with inmates at the UT state prison, I had been privy to know of so much unspeakable evil that is perpetrated on innocent or integrally good people. And I had been deeply hurt by the struggles that I was experiencing. I felt that if God was perfect and He created this plan that we are caught in, then He was perfectly cold and distanced from the suffering of His people. Could He not have come up with a plan that didn't require such horrible slaughter or allow such damaging and devastatingly evil self-perpetuating abuses? If it was in my power, I would never have set loose a plan wherein those horrors would occur. Because God is perfect, I felt so much more betrayed by His intentions than by anybody ever before. If He is perfect, and in His perfection, He is allowing this kind of inhumanity to occur, what are His intentions?

That's how I felt, and it penetrated clear to the deepest parts of me. Those feelings grew roots into every part of my heart, intellect, and beliefs.

Today, I had a conversation with an amazing gay LDS friend who is a great exemplar of patience and understanding in this arena. In talking and texting with him, I was reminded of an idea that I once used to live by. It's this: There are many things that I can't understand and many things that I can't change. To let my frustrations and fears with these things ruin my happiness and peace is just self-defeating; so, in the name of preserving mental and emotional health, I have to allow those concerns to go unanswered and instead, focus my energy on things that I can affect and change.

For a long time, I found myself unable to enjoy church meetings or LDS General Conference addresses because all I could see was a lacking understanding, judgemental people, and bigotry. A wise Indian once told me that "the world without is but a reflection of the world within." He said that what I saw in the world around me was but a reflection of what was within me. I saw a lack of effort to be understanding because I was falling short of understanding others - because I feared they wouldn't understand me. I saw judgemental people because I was judging them when I felt they might judge me. And I felt bigotry from others because I, myself, was a bigot toward those who I saw as bigots. I was destroying myself by letting my frustrations and fears ruin my happiness and peace.

Over the last month, I was able to attend church a couple of Sundays. For the first time in a long time, I truly enjoyed the meetings and felt love and peace in the discussions. Over this weekend, I was able to watch some of General Conference and I felt warmth and comfort where, for the last year, I had only felt justifiable criticism. I am once again enjoying church!

So, now in my journey, I am beginning again to see past frustration, fear, and bitterness to enjoy a better and brighter world, a world - a reflection - of my world within.

I recognize now, as I once did before, that to make a change in what I see in the world around me, I have to change the world within. Be more understanding and I'll see more of it in the world around me; judge less and I'll feel less judged; and be more compassionate and I'll see more compassion around me...and less bigotry.

This won't turn the world into a bag of peaches, but a beautiful world can only be seen by those who cultivate beauty within themselves - beautiful attitudes, ideas, and beliefs about others. It feels so good to feel this again.