Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Coming To My Senses?


I can't spit anything out...there's so much going on - both fun and not-so-fun - but it doesn't seem to want to be sorted out. The following are entries that I started...but couldn't see through to a final conclusive end.

October 26 - On the Issue of Repentance
[I have so many thoughts relative to this topic, but I couldn't type a one.]
October 28 - My, oh My. How Things Have Changed
I wrote this almost exactly a year ago: I'm afraid of the future...of me in the future. I'm afraid that I'll become someone that I'll regret, or that I'll regret living alone, or that I'll regret marrying, or that I'll regret something I didn't want to type.

I'm no longer afraid of the future - I'm going to choose the paths I walk, and I'll choose them out of a healthy state of mind and because I feel and believe that they are the better choice. I'm no longer afraid of me in the future - I'm not a wild-card as long as I'm not making choices out of fear, despair, or hopelessness. Regrets? Well, it's going to be a challenge, but I'll work my best to make choices that I won't regret. It might not come out clearly, but here's a thought: When I stand at a crossroads, mine will be the charge to make the choice that most befits my values, passions, concerns, awakenings, and beliefs. If I am honestly true to these things, then I will have no reason, in sixty years, to look back with the smallest degree of regret for the life I will have lived.
October 31 - Oh, Parents. What Do I Say To You?
Mom and dad know I'm gay. They've accepted that guys have a spell on me and not girls; but, I'm slowly finding that while they say they'll always love and support me, their actions say otherwise. They told me that they want to know what's going on (I would guess that they said this because...well, that's what parents feel is the right thing to say); unfortunately, they've given me two options to chose from when I tell them what's up: "Hey mom and dad, I hold a current temple recommend and I'm going to the temple regularly" or "I'm working with my bishop to become worthy to go back to the temple." So, what if neither of those is the case? Well, then they don't want to hear it.

At the beginning of the month, I told them that I've started going back to church. I asked if they would like to read something that I recently wrote. My dad said yes. I told him that it would reveal some of the things that I did last year to cope with the hard times. He said that he'd still like me to send it. I sent them the post, The LDS Church and Gays. After a week of silence, my mom wrote a letter and called me to shame for having turned to drugs to cope and because I'm "speaking against the prophets and apostles of the church," my sister phoned me in tears because mom told her that I'm "writing anti-Mormon literature," and just last Monday my dad told me that he would rather that gays stayed hidden in fear because at least they didn't have such a negative effect on society like they do now. Wow, that didn't go well. I told them that they had terribly misunderstood the message of what I wrote; I said that we would just have to agree to disagree on a few things; and I worked at being patient toward them and not taking offense at what they said or believed. But yesterday, I failed.

By nine in the morning, I was so angry and frustrated. I just didn't know what to do. I almost went to the liquor store for a bottle of something strong, but I decided to go to the Borders bookstore instead and get lost in a good novel. It worked, the anger and frustration went away, but the problem remains. I really don't know what the future will look like and I've quit using absolutes like never and always; so, I've been thinking about where my parents are coming from and what I could do to slowly wear away at the irrational, traditionalist, and narrow sight they seem to have. Eh, whatever.
November 3 - Closets are for Clothes...and Me!
Oh, no. So, my cousin told my aunt and my aunt told the rest of her family. Their reactions: one didn't have a problem, one cried, and the others? S__t, f__k, damn, and hell. Those were their reactions, respectively. This was why I didn't tell them. Oh, no...
Like I said. A lot of jumbled stuff and it's not falling into any sort of coherent framework. I guess sometimes you're just jumbled, and that's ok. Also, it's interesting to see the way that emotions and stress can so strongly influence my thoughts and opinions. I'd like to admit that I was quite frustrated or discouraged as I started writing some of these entries. I think that I was somewhat unfair to my parents in what I said - it's hard for them too. Mine isn't the only heart that experienced fear, hurt, and despair. I submit this only because I want to remember how easily I can become jumbled and confused. I think it's added to because...well, there's this someone...

11 comments:

Alan said...

A year can make a huge difference can't it. So sorry to hear about your family's reaction and your parents' too. My dad is struggling valiantly to be tolerant and it's hard for him as well. And I fear the same reaction as you've had from some of my siblings. So FWIW, I understand how you feel.

Quinn said...

WOW, I'm really sorry about your parents response to your open and honest attempt to let them in. Sadly it's reactions like that that make us not want to share anymore with parents. Sorry man.

Robert said...

Alan - Yeah, I'm so shocked at how much has happened and changed over the last year. There's no question - I'm way better off now than I was a year ago. And as far as what it's worth, well...it's worth a lot. Thank you man. It was really great to see you last weekend. Thank you Alan... :)

Quinn - Eh, it's frustrating sometimes...especially when I think about it. Haha. But, I suppose that I just need to be patient with them and realize that they've got a stake in the game too. But I totally agree that it sucks. Especially the whole thing that's just happened with my aunt, uncle and cousins. I have always been soooo close with them. They're more like siblings than cousins. Now...I hope that after a couple weeks, things'll gravitate back toward normal. I really hope so. Later Man. :)

Andy Foree said...

Robert,

Being your roommate was one of the best experiences I have had. You are such a strong, unique, and amazing individual. I hope that everything goes well in your new journey through this life. I am saddened for you to hear that your parents aren't taking things the way that seems the best for them.

I enjoyed living with you, and...I am so proud of you, Robert.

Love you,

--Andy

Scott said...

Robert, you're truly one of my favorite people. I'm glad to hear that you're in such a good place right now.

Be patient with your family. I believe that love will always win out, even though it may not happen as quickly as we would like it to. I'd suggest that you keep trying to be open with them as often as you feel like you can. They'll come around eventually.

[[HUG]]

robert said...

Like you said...your parents have "a stake" in the matter...usually parents and other relatives, for that matter, are most concerned with what "others" will think. Its funny to me that they go through the same journey as we do when we "find out" about ourselves. The irony is somewhat delicious if were not so fattening. You'll be fine...and so will they.

Hidden said...

Way to be so strong! I really respect that. Sorry about your parents. When I first told them, we didn't speak for four months. When communication did resume it was constant fighting and arguing. I never thought it was going to get better. But slowly. Patience is indeed a virtue when it comes to Mormon parents understanding their gay kids. That said, don't give up on them, or your mutual relationship. It may cost alot, but any change will be good. And worth it.

A Gay Mormon Boy said...

I loved seeing a set of incomplete posts together. They definitely speak to the state you're currently in and we've all been through. Best of luck on working through these tough times. It's clear you're intelligent and care about the people in your life. That's something to be proud of even if they don't recognize that.

Robert said...

Andy - Oh, Andy. I miss living with you sooooo much. Those were pretty interesting times and man, we had fun! Poor Schwann's man. ;) Hehehe. Love you Andy. You were always an example to me, and you still are. Love you man.

Scott - Thank you so so much Scott. I really, really appreciate the way you and your wife open your home up to us once a month for a party. I can't really explain it well, but when I'm spending time with a family who knows I'm gay and they love me anyway and maybe even all the more because I'm gay...it's indescribably encouraging, heart-warming, and strengthening. I love you and your family. You are truly rare. Thank you Scott. I hope you might someday understand how much you mean to me and I'm positive it's the same way for others. Love you Scott.

Robert - Hahaha, thank you Robert. Yeah, it was an important realization that because they love me and had hopes and dreams for me, this might well be as hard for my parents as it is for me - or at least that this is truly difficult for them. Patience. Patience and rounded shoulders. :) Thank you Robert.

Hidden - Thank you so much Hidden. I really am so lucky that my parents didn't react by disowning me. I don't know that I could have handled that. Thank you for sharing your story. It really is so encouraging when others share their similar stories with me. Ug, I'm sure that you totally understand what I'm saying when I say that sometimes it doesn't bother me too much that part of my family has shut me out...but sometimes, it just about eats me up and kills me! Yeah? The silence is murderous sometimes. P.S. I remember you at the Halloween party. :) Ciao Hidden. :)

A Gay Mormon Boy - Thank you so much for your comment. I'm really glad that this post even made sense. Yeah...I suppose you know quite well this state/frame of mind. Ug, it's really not fun, but you get the good with the bad when you really love people. Thank you Gay Mormon Boy, for your comment. Ciao. :)

The Faithful Dissident said...

Robert, it pains me to see how your loved ones have misunderstood and mistreated you. I remember reading your post "The LDS Church and Gays" a while back and I was touched by it. I think their reaction just shows that they aren't able to empathize with those who struggle like you do. Hopefully over time they will, but regardless of whether they do or not, there are plenty of us who do and I hope that our encouragement can buoy you up. The encouragement I've gotten from good, kind people in the Mormon blogosphere have been what's kept me going more than anything, I think.

Sending you much love and empathy.

Robert said...

Faithful Dissident - The single greatest support thru all of this has been the support I've found in the blogosphere. I appreciate soooo much the encouragement, sharing, and love that we all share with one another. It's very meaningful. Thank you for your comment. Lately, they've asked me not to visit or text or call. They've gone totally silent and won't respond to me. But, while it doens't make things all better (as would be impossible), the love I find with you and other bloggers bouys me up sooo much. Thank you. Thank you so much.