Thanks Giving Day

I woke this morning at 4:45 to get ready for work...and as I climbed into Hillary's little Toyota Tercel, I felt more grateful than I have in a long, long time. I feel the greatest portion of gratitude for the people - both family and friends - with whom I get to share bonds of love, compassion, care, and profound closeness. Without these people, life is cold and absolutely devoid of meaning; but with these relationships, I can see a purpose, potential, and value even in wandering. I truly hope that none of these friends or family would need to question my appreciation for them. They held my hand when I bought my first home, they kept me safe when I was emerging from the closet, they carried me through sickness and surgery, and they sheltered me when I was homeless. In all these things, they've continuously done one thing - they've loved me. Through all that we experience in life and through all the choices that we have and will make, the greatest question is, "how much do you love?" Order, read, or borrow Carol Lynn Pearson's book The Lesson: A Fable for Our Times. Indeed, Christ (whether Savior, prophet, teacher, or all three) said that the greatest commandment was to love God, your neighbor, and your own self. If we truly love, then respect and kindness and sacrifice come naturally and in turn. I feel deep, genuine, and profound gratitude in my soul for those who care and who harbor a form of love for me. It gives me life when I feel lifeless, it gives me reason when I feel there is none, and it provides truth when I feel lost. If only "thank you" could fully carry the depth of gratitude I wish to express...if only.

I am also truly grateful to God, the creator and operator of our world. I'm grateful for the resilliance of our spirits and bodies. Even though at times I've questioned whether or not I could recover from some blows, it's always happened - I've always recovered. I'm grateful that I'm healthy both in mind and body. I'm grateful for the life I was born into. My country, my family, the conditions of the time I live in and the people with whom I share life - I do not and will not take any of it for granted.

Even though some things are not well, I can still be very grateful for other things that are. Truly, gratitude is the harbinger of happiness.

Coming To My Senses?

I can't spit anything out...there's so much going on - both fun and not-so-fun - but it doesn't seem to want to be sorted out. The following are entries that I started...but couldn't see through to a final conclusive end.

October 26 - On the Issue of Repentance

[I have so many thoughts relative to this topic, but I couldn't type a one.]

October 28 - My, oh My. How Things Have Changed

I wrote this almost exactly a year ago: I'm afraid of the future...of me in the future. I'm afraid that I'll become someone that I'll regret, or that I'll regret living alone, or that I'll regret marrying, or that I'll regret something I didn't want to type.

I'm no longer afraid of the future - I'm going to choose the paths I walk, and I'll choose them out of a healthy state of mind and because I feel and believe that they are the better choice. I'm no longer afraid of me in the future - I'm not a wild-card as long as I'm not making choices out of fear, despair, or hopelessness. Regrets? Well, it's going to be a challenge, but I'll work my best to make choices that I won't regret. It might not come out clearly, but here's a thought: When I stand at a crossroads, mine will be the charge to make the choice that most befits my values, passions, concerns, awakenings, and beliefs. If I am honestly true to these things, then I will have no reason, in sixty years, to look back with the smallest degree of regret for the life I will have lived.

October 31 - Oh, Parents. What Do I Say To You?

Mom and dad know I'm gay. They've accepted that guys have a spell on me and not girls; but, I'm slowly finding that while they say they'll always love and support me, their actions say otherwise. They told me that they want to know what's going on (I would guess that they said this because...well, that's what parents feel is the right thing to say); unfortunately, they've given me two options to chose from when I tell them what's up: "Hey mom and dad, I hold a current temple recommend and I'm going to the temple regularly" or "I'm working with my bishop to become worthy to go back to the temple." So, what if neither of those is the case? Well, then they don't want to hear it.

At the beginning of the month, I told them that I've started going back to church. I asked if they would like to read something that I recently wrote. My dad said yes. I told him that it would reveal some of the things that I did last year to cope with the hard times. He said that he'd still like me to send it. I sent them the post, The LDS Church and Gays. After a week of silence, my mom wrote a letter and called me to shame for having turned to drugs to cope and because I'm "speaking against the prophets and apostles of the church," my sister phoned me in tears because mom told her that I'm "writing anti-Mormon literature," and just last Monday my dad told me that he would rather that gays stayed hidden in fear because at least they didn't have such a negative effect on society like they do now. Wow, that didn't go well. I told them that they had terribly misunderstood the message of what I wrote; I said that we would just have to agree to disagree on a few things; and I worked at being patient toward them and not taking offense at what they said or believed. But yesterday, I failed.

By nine in the morning, I was so angry and frustrated. I just didn't know what to do. I almost went to the liquor store for a bottle of something strong, but I decided to go to the Borders bookstore instead and get lost in a good novel. It worked, the anger and frustration went away, but the problem remains. I really don't know what the future will look like and I've quit using absolutes like never and always; so, I've been thinking about where my parents are coming from and what I could do to slowly wear away at the irrational, traditionalist, and narrow sight they seem to have. Eh, whatever.

November 3 - Closets are for Clothes...and Me!

Oh, no. So, my cousin told my aunt and my aunt told the rest of her family. Their reactions: one didn't have a problem, one cried, and the others? S__t, f__k, damn, and hell. Those were their reactions, respectively. This was why I didn't tell them. Oh, no...

Like I said. A lot of jumbled stuff and it's not falling into any sort of coherent framework. I guess sometimes you're just jumbled, and that's ok. Also, it's interesting to see the way that emotions and stress can so strongly influence my thoughts and opinions. I'd like to admit that I was quite frustrated or discouraged as I started writing some of these entries. I think that I was somewhat unfair to my parents in what I said - it's hard for them too. Mine isn't the only heart that experienced fear, hurt, and despair. I submit this only because I want to remember how easily I can become jumbled and confused. I think it's added to because...well, there's this someone...

The world without is but a reflection of the world within

For such a long time now, I've felt so much frustration and bitterness. And only because it's natural for us (maybe just for me) to need a focus for such feelings, the target of my bitterness and frustration became God and by association, the LDS Church (the one that I was raised in). I was able to be more understanding toward the church and its members - they are, like me, human and I understand what that's like...to not be perfect; but toward God, because "He is perfect," I didn't feel that I needed to temper my anger and criticism toward Him. In my work with struggling youth and with inmates at the UT state prison, I had been privy to know of so much unspeakable evil that is perpetrated on innocent or integrally good people. And I had been deeply hurt by the struggles that I was experiencing. I felt that if God was perfect and He created this plan that we are caught in, then He was perfectly cold and distanced from the suffering of His people. Could He not have come up with a plan that didn't require such horrible slaughter or allow such damaging and devastatingly evil self-perpetuating abuses? If it was in my power, I would never have set loose a plan wherein those horrors would occur. Because God is perfect, I felt so much more betrayed by His intentions than by anybody ever before. If He is perfect, and in His perfection, He is allowing this kind of inhumanity to occur, what are His intentions?

That's how I felt, and it penetrated clear to the deepest parts of me. Those feelings grew roots into every part of my heart, intellect, and beliefs.

Today, I had a conversation with an amazing gay LDS friend who is a great exemplar of patience and understanding in this arena. In talking and texting with him, I was reminded of an idea that I once used to live by. It's this: There are many things that I can't understand and many things that I can't change. To let my frustrations and fears with these things ruin my happiness and peace is just self-defeating; so, in the name of preserving mental and emotional health, I have to allow those concerns to go unanswered and instead, focus my energy on things that I can affect and change.

For a long time, I found myself unable to enjoy church meetings or LDS General Conference addresses because all I could see was a lacking understanding, judgemental people, and bigotry. A wise Indian once told me that "the world without is but a reflection of the world within." He said that what I saw in the world around me was but a reflection of what was within me. I saw a lack of effort to be understanding because I was falling short of understanding others - because I feared they wouldn't understand me. I saw judgemental people because I was judging them when I felt they might judge me. And I felt bigotry from others because I, myself, was a bigot toward those who I saw as bigots. I was destroying myself by letting my frustrations and fears ruin my happiness and peace.

Over the last month, I was able to attend church a couple of Sundays. For the first time in a long time, I truly enjoyed the meetings and felt love and peace in the discussions. Over this weekend, I was able to watch some of General Conference and I felt warmth and comfort where, for the last year, I had only felt justifiable criticism. I am once again enjoying church!

So, now in my journey, I am beginning again to see past frustration, fear, and bitterness to enjoy a better and brighter world, a world - a reflection - of my world within.

I recognize now, as I once did before, that to make a change in what I see in the world around me, I have to change the world within. Be more understanding and I'll see more of it in the world around me; judge less and I'll feel less judged; and be more compassionate and I'll see more compassion around me...and less bigotry.

This won't turn the world into a bag of peaches, but a beautiful world can only be seen by those who cultivate beauty within themselves - beautiful attitudes, ideas, and beliefs about others. It feels so good to feel this again.

The LDS Church and gays

There is a large and very hot discussion going on right now and the topic is respect, rights, and acceptance for those of the lesbian and gay community. The LDS Church has recently become increasingly compassionate toward members and nonmembers who are attracted to the same sex/gender (I'm totally thrilled about this); however, the LDS church's and the Catholic church's influence have been responsible for the passing of legislation denying the civil right of marriage to gays and lesbians. From the other side, patience and long-suffering within the gay and lesbian communities is wearing thinner and thinner (it seems unbelievable to us that one would have to wait to be eligible for the same respect, rights, and acceptance that their peers enjoy - the difference being that heterosexuality is the acceptable orientation in the country that was founded on the principles that all men are created equal and endowed by the creator with unalienable rights for opportunity and happiness). The injustice is downright frustrating and the fact that it still exists and by virtue of popular vote is unbelievable. As far as the Church and gays go, I try to empathize with both sides; keep in mind, though, that empathize and approve of are not the same. But, a good step forward would be to better understand the "other" in the argument. To understand where others are coming from, I think of my experience with drugs.

Before I ever used drugs, I had a pretty simple belief about them. People who use, well, they choose to use. They choose to mess up their lives (because we all know that's exactly what drugs do and that's all that they do), and however much we have compassion for them (as we should), what they are experiencing in consequence is the result of their choices. Say no to drugs - they're bad, and bad people do them.

Now, years later and after experiencing what it is to be a user, and working along side and with so many past and present users, I have a bit of a different take on the issue. I'd agree with my former belief that those who use, choose to use; however, that's about as far as I can go in agreeing with my former beliefs about drugs. "They chose to mess up their lives." Ha! I know for myself and I've heard the same from many others that when I started using, I was trying to save my life - trying to save it from fatal depression, incinerating anger, and the growing desire to forfeit the future in favor of life after death. "What they are experiencing is a result of their choices." Bah! I was assuming that all that they were experiencing was getting high and coming down and a subsequent physical and mental decline. Wrong. I experienced overwhelming fear, depression, and despair. The hurt was bad enough that I had to do something to stop the pain or I'd have to crawl out of my skin. I was sleeping any available waking moment just so I wouldn't have to feel. THAT is what I was experiencing - none of it a consequence of any choices I had made; rather, it was consequence to having finally met the then unbearable reality that I was gay and that meant life as I had dreamed it was never going to happen for me. THAT is when and why I started using...and suddenly I didn't have to feel that unbearable reality anymore. I was better. The pain was gone whenever I wanted it to be gone. I could have gone to a psychiatrist and achieved the same effect, but my way was cheaper. P.S. I've been clean for quite a while.

Now, that was not an argument advocating the use of drugs. I work all the time with people, trying to help them to find alternatives and reasons to stay clean - to help them experience how much better it is to replace self-medication with healthy and open relationships with compassionate and loving people like family, parents, and friends. Rather, that experience in learning I was naive is the way that I can better understand the leaders and members of the church. What I wrote about the before and after of drugs, I really mean it. Before using drugs, I really, really was sure that I was right about what I believed and I was positive that I had God on my side. After experiencing what I experienced, I realized that I had been naive. My naivety turned to ignorance when I thought that I knew what it was all about, and my ignorance encouraged bigoted beliefs about users and an attitude of limited compassion. Now, I think that God would rather I used drugs in place of forfeiting life (these being the only two options I was able to see, being blind with fear and sadness). Unfortunately, for me, it wasn't until I experienced what I did that I understood how naive I was - even about being naive.

Unless there's something that I don't know, none of the General Authorities are gay - they've never been users. They're definitely doing better with trying to understand and be compassionate about the topic of homosexuality than I was about the topic of drugs; but, I guess, until you're the one being burned, the fire only looks hot. Yeah?

I would not have to look hard or read past the first part of Elder Bruce Hafen's talk to find opportunity to be offended. The poor man stood comfortably at the pulpit and said all that stuff about how hot the fire is to a crowd of people that were standing in the flames! Many of the ideas he shared were contrary to new literature from the church. He didn't do himself any good up there. But, he didn't intend any harm. People make mistakes. There's a reason that so many are concerned about being politically correct. And although GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH, I'm able to be a happier person if I can keep myself from being offended by a man with good intentions but lacking knowledge and tact. If I ever did want to meet Elder Hafen, I don't care to now; but I wish nothing bad upon him.

I am positive that there are general authorities of the church that are deeply concerned about the issue. I'm also disappointed with the conduct of the officials of the church and their leadership through prop 8 and similar situations in other states. Being that church officers and general authorities are appointed by God to lead His children, my disappointment runs deeper.

We are subject to the influences and conditions of the times that we live in and the thinking of the age.

Is it outside of God's will that a man marry a man or a woman wed a woman? Is it God's will that people and governments withhold from gays many of the "unalienable" rights with which they are "endowed by their Creator?" I don't know.

Serious change takes a long time - too long. History is not kind to those who rush it. But change doesn't happen by default, but by the work of pioneers. And pioneers don't often reap the full rewards of their work; rather, that is left to the following generations.

So, are the LDS church and gays two mutually exclusive groups? I don't think so. Do I hope that the feelings and understandings of the church and its members regarding homosexuality change soon - sooner than later? I really do. And do I think this will happen without effort and sacrifice from the gay Mormon members and former members? Nope. Whether God wants gay marriage to be eternal or not, I do believe marriage is a civil right and I'm bewildered that it is still not available to gays.

I will continue to search for God's will in my life. Inconsistency with Him makes it hard to find peace. I hope (and when I start praying again, I'll pray) that the people of our time will soften their hearts on this issue that they do not understand. But, I expect to have to brush off ignorant or bigoted comments again and again. I'm sure that I'll need to correct misconceptions about gays again and again. And I'm sure that I'll become offended or hurt by actions or comments from this person or that organization. But, I'm most sure that I'll have fun most the time and be healthy and happy over the space of a long life. We all have callings. We're all in different situations and we all have things that we need to do for ourselves and for those around us. Everyone should read The Alchemist and then they'll understand when I say that we've got to pursue our personal legend.

As a post script, I'm no longer in NYC. I got out there and found a place to live and had incredibly fun roomies in a really cool neighborhood...and then I went to the first day of school and met with my graduate advisor. The program I was about to start wasn't going to accomplish what I needed it to accomplish (namely, get me into a PhD program or at least increase my chances of getting in). I talked with the graduate adviser and department head for a couple of hours about their PhD application review process, about what they look for, and about the insignificance of a masters degree to those reviewing PhD applications. Everything they said clearly illustrated the uselessness of completing the program I was about to start. So, I decided not to spend a TON of money and two years getting this degree when it would provide no benefit; rather, I thought it better to work for a year and reapply to doctoral programs and go back to school in fall of 2010. So, here I am, back in the west - in Logan, UT. Initially, I returned to MT where my family is and I started looking for work. Two days later, I was offered full-time employment with decent pay with an adolescent behavioral health care provider - exactly what I was hoping for - so I jumped on it. This was so fortunate and really made me feel very grateful. I think it'll be nice to work for a year, to get my spiritual life back in order, and to save up some money for where-ever I take off to next fall to start a PhD program.