- I believe that our prophets and apostles are called of God in the very way and for the very purpose that we have always believed—namely that they are His authorized and appointed leaders for His children.
- I believe that we, as a church in general, assume too much. I think that God has given us a skeleton of knowledge and we’ve added flesh to it. I don’t blame anybody, but I think that’s what we’ve done with all our time and pondering and philosophizing.
- I believe that we don’t know for certain how God feels about homosexuality. It’s clear that even our prophets don’t know God’s final feelings on the subject. From the changes in the church’s official position over the last 50 years, we can easily divine that God is revealing to His prophets only as much on the subject as His children are willing to accept—kind of like African Americans and the priesthood.
- I also know that I love the church and the values it’s instilled in me. More than anything, I value the great awakenings that I’ve received under the tutelage of the church. God exists and He loves us. Christ’s offering of Himself provides opportunity for us, as long as we’re willing, to prepare ourselves for an existence with him and others that we love. And as long as I am willing, I can be close to and in contact with God, thereby providing a means with which He can guide me in the walkings of this life.
- Last, I know that I experience something about guys that I can’t experience about girls. I tried; I’ve been marriage serious with two amazing women. I never kissed them; as a matter of fact, I haven’t kissed a girl since Jasper kissed me when I was 15. That’s the only girl kiss I’ve had. I want to marry a girl. I wish I was straight. Wow, things’d be easier. . .but, that thinking has sent me into serious depression too many times. I won’t do it anymore. I tried reparative therapy for 5 months last year and I won’t ever try to change myself again. I can’t. It’s something I cannot do.
- enthusiasm for changing quickly and moving on with life as a fixed man to
Here are a few excerpts:
Long ago, on the mission, I made a promise to the Lord that the testimonial experiences that He had given me would never be discarded. That I would always know what He had given me to know: that He loves me and is always ready to take me in and comfort and heal me; that He is in control and as long as I keep my choices true to what I know He wants me to do, I am where he foresaw me to be and therefore safe in his hands; and that repentance is the way to become right again and is a gift given by Christ to all who will use it. I will forever keep that promise. I’ve come to accept that some challenges will never go away, but I have a real hope that the Lord sees the end of our mortal journeys and will lead us to the best exit. So, this journal will chronicle a new beginning in life, and the places it leads me.
April 19, 2008
Now, I know this sounds quite random and, knowing that the three of us who met up have the same sga issue, kind of gay. Well. . .random it was, but gay it wasn’t. You’ve gotta know this. The main reason that I wanted to meet up with these guys is because they’ve been traveling this road of dealing with sga longer than me and they had both, via email, mentioned that their real goal was to have a real family of their own and be good, faithful husbands and fathers. I, too, have no greater desire. Instead of this being some homo-indulging fun time, we really felt safe knowing that we shared this common ailment and common goal. Safe is a very great way to feel, especially when it is so rare.
Hmmm. It’s been too long. Since I last wrote, I’ve messed up some. Boy, I’m really sorry for that. I’m at the point now to where I don’t know if I should just throw up my hands with this or whether I should keep fighting. “Throw up my hands” doesn’t mean “embrace homosexuality.” It just means “drop the issue and try to live life aside of it.” I know it won’t go away, but I don’t think it’ll do any good to turn a lot of attention to achieving progress—especially when I don’t even know what kind of progress to achieve. By throwing up my hands, the pathway I’m living life on will no longer be measured by success or failure in being gay or straight. I’m not sure whether this is a bad case of give-it-up-itis or whether it’s smart…or both. Whatever it is, I’m doing it.
I just don’t know. Maybe we’re not supposed to fix every broken thing in life. Maybe, we’re supposed to do the most possible good with what we have. Maybe, these broken things are the very same things that will enable us to achieve greater levels of service that would otherwise be impossible. Maybe, we’re not all supposed to have the “traditional” life here. . .or maybe it’ll just happen a little later on. And along with that, what can we hope to become without learning to deny or control our passions…ourselves? Maybe, we should just do what we can, find happiness where it is now, and hope (sometimes blindly) that the rest will work out according to some/the divine plan…
June 28, 2008
June 29, 2008
July 25, 2008
Here they are: 1. I am still ashamed and sick for experiencing same gender attraction. When I talk with anybody about this, I feel so gay. I would never want anybody to feel offended that I associate so many negative feelings with that term, but I can’t call myself gay and not be very offset and upset. 2. I was on a walk tonight and I realized that I feel like I went too far in coming out to myself. I’ve been allowing myself to say that I’m gay. I don’t think that I’m going to say that anymore. I’m going to stop it at saying that I experience strong same-gender attraction (sga) and that it’s really an obstacle for me. 3. Should I fix things or change or correct these attractions before I try to move forward, or should I just move forward? If I try to do the former, then I feel like I’m not making any progress and I’m starting t get stagnant; and like stagnant water, I begin rotting. If I do the latter, then am I setting myself up for disaster down the road for not fixing the problem or am I just saying "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down!"?
September 18, 2008
For two years in AZ, I had been engaged in as good a cause and effective a cause as that when I was a missionary. Why was I supposed to move back to UT where I had previously crashed in stress, anxiety, and trouble? Well, in April of this year, I went to my first Matis meeting (a supportive kind of evening for gay or lesbian LDS members). I finally started to deal with my homosexual feelings. All the sudden, I knew that this was the reason I was supposed to move to UT. I had to deal with it.
Now, after all the events of the last five months, I’m asking, "What was God thinking?" I’m so lost and wandering. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m going to finish psychology, get my license, and help young people; but, aside from those outward things, I have no idea where I am or where I’m going or how to have the heart and ability to do what I feel I’m supposed to. . . I feel completely empty, pointless, and lifeless. Why?
I remember when I was working with others that were experiencing trials and challenges, I would say to them that they needed to focus on things that they both wanted to change and could change. Worrying about anything else was not only futile and wasteful, but harmful and destructive. Well, it’s plain to see that I need someone to share that very principle with me. I’ve been concerning myself so strongly with changing things that I can’t change that I haven’t even had safe control over things I could influence or change for the better. After thinking about the good fortune I experience in life, I thought about some of my most cherished memories, including touring the museums in Washington, DC, with Hill. In one museum of art, there were tons of quotes on the walls accompanying masterful paintings. One of the quotes was from Carl Schurz: "Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the ocean desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them, you reach your destiny." I think I’ve been following my feet—or at least looking down all the time while saying that I’m trying to follow the stars. Yeah, doesn’t work.
I think he means that we’ve got to stay focused on the things that we do want and can accomplish and not let ourselves be distracted or turned from our path by other seemingly valid concerns—concerns that we might be able to affect, but that would prove to be less important than the grand plans and ideals that we chase and could otherwise be accomplishing if we would but stay focused. So, I’ll spend the next while working on understanding how best to stay focused on the stars and be guided by ideals. Of course, it’ll be a process; but perhaps, it’ll be the reminder that I need to recall to me the way of being I once had—the one that brings joy and fullness to work and relationships, and love and life.
October 23, 2008
My question to the critic would only be: "What else am I going to do with it?" I see that this is quite idealistic, but "ideals are like stars," right? I mean, I’m not foolish enough to believe that things will turn out just like I see them in my detailed daydreams; but, that’s not to say that they can’t actually turn out to be better than the dreams. The biggest reason for failing, I think, is because people fail to dream and then believe in themselves. And again, I can see that this is a stretch, but it’s what I’ll shoot for. So, something good is that I might have found a new purpose in life.
However, I am still afraid of the future. . .of me in the future. I’m afraid that I’ll become someone that I’ll regret, or that I’ll regret living alone, or that I’ll regret marrying, or that I’ll regret something I didn’t want to write. I know what I want, I know what is true, and I know where I should be. . .but knowing all those things has never precluded me from making grave mistakes. It always comes down to that moment when you face the decision. I think it’s that moment that I’m afraid of. No matter what I want or know or see for a hundred days in a row, that moment is decided by what I am able to see then and there. I’m afraid because I don’t have a good track record. I’m a wild card, even to me. I feel like a coward by saying all this, or like a person that plans to fail, or like a premature quitter. But I’d be a liar if I was to say that I know what will happen or that I know I’ll be where I’m supposed to be in 2, 5, or 10 years.
Don’t misunderstand, I don’t question my testimony; I don’t question my love for God and Christ; I don’t question prophets, revelation, leadership, or the power of faith. I question that moment and me in it. I’ve just learned from so many other experiences. . .that no matter how I feel now, I can’t tell you for sure what will happen at that moment. I’m afraid of not being where I should be some day down the road when I stop and take a look around and then look at myself. Well, with all the above drama, let me just say that I’m not in a crisis. I love my friends, I love my family, I like my work, and I really don’t like my classes. So, I guess I’m normal, right?. . . maybe I am.
February 9, 2009
Yoga, running, basketball, volleyball, lifting, classes, work, and church. That’s me—week in and week out. I’m loving it so much. For the most part, I’ve really been on cloud nine for January and the start of February (November and December were darker and more horrific that I believed possible). There are a few things that slow me down here and there, but not for long. All my grad school apps are in and I’m waiting anxiously for a word. It could drive me nuts, but I’m staying busy enough to get by. I kind of feel like I’m in limbo—waiting for the transition period to wherever I go to school. I start to make plans for this or that, but then I remember that it’s all contingent on what happens with grad school. So, yeah, it is driving me nuts.
I don’t have a boyfriend and it’s been that way since the end of December. That’s good. I don’t have a girlfriend either. ;) I suppose that’s good as well. I am still unsure of what will happen. Fortunately, the unsurity isn’t for the same reasons as before (see the latter half of October 23rd’s entry). It’s because I want two opposite things so strongly and yet equally. I have friends who decided to be in relationships and I feel so happy for them and I think they’re such incredibly great and golden people—but how would I feel about me if I found that kind of happiness? I want that so badly. . . A fulfilling relationship—like what happily married people experience. . .I want that. Or, what if I married the woman I love? Right now, there isn’t a soul, man or woman, I am happier to be with or love more than Hillary. Really, that’s the bare and full truth. But, I know that can’t happen. It’s unhealthy, inappropriate, selfish or otherwise purely wrong for gay people to try to force a marital relationship—that’s how they end in heartache for entire families.
Otherwise and for the most part, I’m really doing great. I feel like I’m walking in an open meadow and I’m so so grateful and peaceful. There have been a couple hiccups here and there but all really is well. I feel so full of love for everyone I spend time with and for all that I correspond with. My heart feels full because of thoughts of my friends who have offered support to me in times of deep confusion or despair. There’s a good way to put a smile on my face. . .
That’s a lot of journal entries, no? I put them there so you could understand what’s happened over the last year. Mom, you said that I’ve really changed over the last year. Yeah, I have. I wish with every part of myself that I hadn’t. I wish even more that I was normal. I’d be married happily and probably with children. . .you’d be grandparents! But, like I said above, I’m not going to do that anymore—I’m not going to wish like that anymore.