Friday, January 8, 2010
Plan A took a dive and is out. What was it? Plan A required things like going back to church, no drinking or drugs, no dating guys, and doing all the things I'm supposed to do (like praying, scripture study, and the likes). Yeah, plan A is out. Plan B is what we called the alternative (whatever it looked like) to plan A. For now, plan B has three guiding ideals: (1) at any given point, I hope to be able to say that I truly am happy to be the person that I've become - that given the chance, I would really choose to be nobody else; (2) where I'm at, the actual place where I'm living and the city, it needs to be the place that I feel is right - I believe that location is important and that I need to be living in the right places as time moves on; and (3) what I'm engaged in, the purpose for which I'm laboring, is something that I really believe in - it's what I need to do if I am to pursue my personal legend (see The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho). Plan B is really all I want and it's what I can do.
Plan A is out because I'm sick of it - I got sick from it.
After the novelty of returning to church wore off, it became empty, hollow, and painful. I heard shallow words and echoes. Commandments and standards that seemed more subject to culture than love and God. The main reason I'm done with it is because while I can choose to be LDS, I can't choose to be gay. Sure, I don't have to "give in" to my feelings, but tell that to my feelings. If I don't give in to the desire and hope for love, then the venom of fear and depression will end me. Since homosexuality isn't allowed in the church, I'm out. I'm still searching for spirituality and I believe in so many things still...but I'm out of the organization.
Substances? Well, drugs are out. The occasional drinking? Eh, I'll just make sure to be safe. In the last eight months, I drank 3 times. No drinking-to-cope and no drugs and I won't find any problems with it.
Dating guys? Well, my number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Haha. I've dated only one guy since returning to UT and being with him brought me the greatest happiness I've known in years. Walking arm in arm, smiling just because you're together, feeling vulnerable and safe because of him, sitting silently in one another's arms complete and content - why would I ever cut that kind of love out of life? It is real and virtuous.
What brought on the change? Oddly enough, it was church and family. You'd think that under their influence, I'd have stuck with plan A all the way. Ha! After being blacklisted and thrown out...yeah, I'm bitter. I'll admit it. Some of them say that they still love me...they just need space, I say whatever. I'll take a raincheck on this thing you're calling love. Some of my dearest family told me to stay away - to not even call. Some others are upset with me for "leaving the church." Do they think I wanted to? Do they think it was a quick or easy decision? Do they realize that it scares me to death? I thank God for the ones that love and support me in my journey to find peace. As far as church's influence in ditching plan A, it's pretty well explained above. Simply put, I just couldn't bring these two things (homosexuality and traditional religion) into harmony with one another. I could stand the dissonance for only so long before I fell ill from it. I'll have to try to find God in other ways.
Until next time.
at 3:08 AM