Well, for the last week or so, I've just felt as though I were walking in an open meadow in the middle of a beautiful valley and even a stream running playfully through the middle of it. I know that sounds kinda corny, but it's the best way to describe it. Just wonderful and peaceful. I have just felt really, really great the last couple weeks. No, I'm not drunk or high. (I think I'm done with that now).
December has been quite radical. For Halloween (yeah, I know it's not in December...) I went out with some friends from Provo, a friend from downtown SLC and another friend from south SLC. WOW, that was really crazy. I had a little bit too much to drink and then smoked a little too much pot...I stayed conscious all night, but that only happened with considerable effort. And because things were so horrible at the end of November, I think back on Halloween night and say that I really enjoyed it. My friends tell me I'm just about the most kind and loving drunk person ever. It's odd, but when I'm under the influence, I'm so grateful for the people I love and who love me. But, into December, I continued drinking more and more until I was hiding wine and vodka in my underwear drawer. I had term papers and projects, semester exams, the GRE, researching and applying to grad schools, and all of that while I was drinking more and more (bad combo). It really was too much and radical in an unsettling way. As December progressed, I didn't like it...but I don't know how I could have made it through emotionally without the escapes the alcohol, pot, and my friends gave. PS, I haven't drank in a while now (two weeks-ish) and I'm feeling really, really good about it.
.
What else in December? Well, a relationship. I got really attached and close to a guy that I've been friends with since September. He hangs out with the group I spend most my time with. I had originally crushed on him big-time and, unawares to me, he did the same. So, in December, we found out about each other's feelings and....um...I'll stop there about that. Because of him, I started questioning what I would actually end up doing in the future. It's not that I think "he's the one," rather, I'm just shocked at how it felt to be in that kind of relationship - in a relationship with someone of the same gender/sex. I don't mean to sound mushy, but it was really different than I thought it would be. Different in that it was way more.
.
Because of the above, for the majority of December, I was really questioning what I would end up doing. I'm feeling pretty unsettled. I really feel ashamed writing that because everyone I know knows that I know what I'm supposed to choose (wife or celibacy), but the truth is - I'm unsettled. I don't really see myself with a partner, but I never saw myself even debating about it. I could see myself being celibate, even though thinking about the lack of a someone to share life with is abhorrent. I can see myself as a husband and father, but I don't exactly see myself courting or engaging in procreation...both are kinda necessary. So, door 1, door 2, or door 3? What's it gonna be? (I promise I don't think about it so causually)
.
I really, really enjoyed reading and commenting on others' posts this month. I had some really incredible awakenings because of what others wrote and the questions they made me ask of myself. If you promise not to make fun of me, I cried several times when reading posts (when I read most any post)...even if the post wasn't especially deep or heart-wrenching, I cried because I was thinking about the person that wrote it and how much I feel with him/her and love him/her. Just the thought of the fingers that typed the post and the depth of that person's thoughts, feelings, and soul was enough to cause me to tear up. My emotions were pretty close to the surface over the last month, especially when I was reading blogs. I think it's because of this great tear inside me and because of the deep empathy and love that we bloggers share. When I read others' words, I feel them so strongly.
.
Also, something that someone wrote made me go back and read a few of my older posts. This is post #14 since April of this year when I faced up to the truth. I've written about fears, friends, coming out and trying to come out, kissing, drinking, smoking, and toking. I used to really believe that being gay meant I was broken; now, I just accept that gay isn't broken, it's just the way that I am (not who I am) and I can't change it. I started out with a ton of optimism that I'd be able to lick it quickly and still get married in time to avoid serious questioning from family and friends...wow, was I ever naive. I touched alcohol, tobacco, and mj for the first time in 10 years and I've still got alcohol to kick before I'm good on that front. I've talked about wanting to give up and about wanting to run away. I wrote about things that I know regarding God and love and forgiveness and acceptance. I wrote about things that I don't know like the future, me, and the big "why." I was touched by some of the stuff that I read from months past. I had a few moments of real clarity and inspiration. All in all, I'm so glad that I started posting. Because now, I've got friends and allies and advice to such an extent that I could have never found otherwise. Because now, I can track the way that I've been channeled by my experiences so that I can stand back and redirect myself to paths that are of my choosing instead of taking paths that are no more than reactions to experiences. And also because now, I can go back and read the things I said in those critical moments of clarity and awareness. We don't think well all the time. We make decisions that are seemingly unimportant, but that place us months later far from where we aimed to be. If we don't stay conscious of where we are versus where we planned to be, and where we want to be, then the natural/initial reactions we have to life's trials will be the determinants of our future instead of our conscious selves. If we don't decide our lives consciously, then other things will - other things will.
.
I thank God for these last days of open meadows. I'm thinking more clearly again. I feel so much these days and I like it. I love my friends and family (that includes all my friends and family). So...what now? I guess we'll see.
