So 26 years are now over; and now, I'm me

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I turned 26 today. My first thought this morning was that I should have accomplished more by now than I have. I'm still working on my undergrad and I've not really done anything of great or lasting consequence. I promise I've stayed really busy all my years, and I've tried to leave a good mark everywhere I go. However, I do take great comfort in what I have inter-personally - in who my friends are. Hillary said that she thought that the quality of my friends was a reflection on me. I half agree - I think it's as much good fortune/God's blessing that my friends are so incredible, uncommon, and heart-filled as it is a reflection on me. I'm unarguably a very fortunate person. I haven't been lazy or wasteful, but it's time to pick up the pace, be more efficient, and really do some of the things I want to do in life.

Yoga, running, basketball, volleyball, lifting with my cousin in the mornings, classes, work, and weekends. That's me - week in and week out. I'm loving it so much. I have two homes now. One in Provo and one in Holladay. I don't really spend much time in Provo aside from classes. I'm there for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning, but starting Thursday night, I go to yoga in Sandy and then to my second home in Holladay. It's this really beautiful house where three of my dearest friends live. I stay there all the way through till Monday night when I head back to Provo to go to school and work at the Prison. Over the weekends, I spend almost all my time with these friends and one other that lives close by. They're so kind and good. I think I like them so much because they're good people even though they're gay. Actually, I think they're better because they're gay and so good. And they are so kind and caring toward me. I really love them like real family...family I would choose. We go to parties, clubs (especially Sat. night) and we have our traditional Sunday morning breakfast at Sharon's Cafe. We look out for each other. Then every Sunday afternoon, I go over to my cousin's for the afternoon and evening. They don't know what's going on...it would just make things so much more complicated, but they are so loving. Sometimes I go to church with them. I love them and their daughters sooo much. The little girls call me Uncle Bobby and my cousin and her husband are so incredibly loving and fun.

For the most part, I've really been on cloud nine for January and the start of February. There are a few things that slow me down here and there, but not for long. All my grad school apps are in and I'm waiting anxiously for a word. It could drive me nuts, but I'm staying busy enough to get by. I kinda feel like I'm in limbo - waiting for the transition period to wherever I go to school. I start to make plans for this or that, but then I remember that it's all contingent on what happens with grad school. So, yeah, it is driving me nuts.

I'm thinking that I'll go back to work at The ANASAZI Foundation this summer. I can only go back there if I'm back to good with myself. I think I'm close to that. Working with the children there, you've got to be in the right place within yourself so that you're able to provide a safe and peaceful environment that powerfully invites awakenings. That's the miracle that kept me there for so long and that draws me back. At ANASAZI, we didn't preach to the children or teach them the right ways to change or improve; rather, we were quiet. When they got there, we spoke briefly about three things. First, we told them about the Seed of Greatness that is inside of every individual. When you see any person throughout your day today, see them as somebody who has an incredible seed of greatness within. Their heart feels as deeply as yours has, their tears and laughs are as emotionally filled as what you've known, and their worth is (like yours) more than you are willing to believe. See that in everybody and you'll be shocked at the value of the company you keep. Next we told them about the Making of an Asking. I would say to them that I know the value of learning things on your own - working out problems by investing your whole self and working all the way to your answer or solution. I would never think of taking that opportunity from them, so...I'll not interject myself unless they want me to. I'm dying to help. I'm watching and wishing I could help because I love them and they are my whole reason for being there, but I'll let them figure things out on their own, unless they ask. The Making of an Asking is when there is anything they would like of me and they let me know. Last, we'd tell them about the Making of a Listening. This is the most important thing that they can do out there. I would say that I don't know why they are there; but that no matter the reason, the most important thing we'll do in our desert home of Arizona cacti and junipers is to listen. At some time, say to me, "Hey, Robert, I'm going to go do the Making of a Listening. I'll be over there on the top of that rock." Then you sit there and think about your life and the challenges you face and you clear your mind and your heart and then listen - listen to the wind. When the Creator shares an awakening with you, He puts it on the sacred wind and it's your place to hear it. There are always messages on the wind and we can listen to them any time we wish, so long as we are willing to clear ourselves and listen. In the absence of distractions and unsolicited counsel, we would learn the most incredible things from the wind, plants, rocks, water, light, and animals. We would experience from our surroundings and from each other the most powerful and indescribable awakenings - all without words, all via the wind. The great miracle is that as long as we are willing to experience new awakenings, we can have new beginnings. As often as we are willing, we can become awake to new truths or be re-awoken to truths we've learned in the past, and we can begin anew - fresh. The past, present and future are all current with us. The potency of things that have been, the breath of the present, and the hope of what can happen are all in this moment with us and we can use them to be deep, great, and powerful people - to grow our seed of greatness. We forget it often, but this possibility is always there, always.

I don't have a boyfriend and it's been that way since the end of December. That's good. I don't have a girlfriend either. ;) I suppose that's good as well. I am still unsure of what will happen. Fortunately, the unsurity isn't for the same reasons as before (the bad from this post). It's because I want two opposite things so strongly and yet equally. I've read about D and UTMOHO and I feel so happy for them and I think they're such incredibly great and golden people - but how would I feel about me if I found that kind of happiness? I want that so badly... What if I married the woman I love? Right now, there isn't a soul, man or woman, I am happier to be with or love more than Hillary. Really, that's the bare and full truth. What to do? What to do? We'll see. I'm really doing great. I'm still in my open meadow and I'm so so grateful and peaceful. There have been a couple hiccups here and there but all really is well. I feel so full of love for everyone I spend time with and for all that I correspond with because of our blogosphere. Do not read that as an empty statement. Do not! Please. My heart is full because of thoughts of my friends who have offered support to me in times of deep confusion or despair. Please, please, believe what I say and feel my deep gratitude to you for your thoughts, concern, support, words, company, and love. Please do. Thank you so very much. Thank you

Open Meadows

Well, for the last week or so, I've just felt as though I were walking in an open meadow in the middle of a beautiful valley and even a stream running playfully through the middle of it. I know that sounds kinda corny, but it's the best way to describe it. Just wonderful and peaceful. I have just felt really, really great the last couple weeks. No, I'm not drunk or high. (I think I'm done with that now)
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December has been quite radical. For Halloween (yeah, I know it's not in December...) I went out with some friends from Provo, a friend from downtown SLC and another friend from south SLC. WOW, that was really crazy. I had a little bit too much to drink and then smoked a little too much pot...I stayed conscious all night, but that only happened with considerable effort. And because things were so horrible at the end of November, I think back on Halloween night and say that I really enjoyed it. My friends tell me I'm just about the most kind and loving drunk person ever. It's odd, but when I'm under the influence, I'm so grateful for the people I love and who love me. But, into December, I continued drinking more and more until I was hiding wine and vodka in my underwear drawer. I had term papers and projects, semester exams, the GRE, researching and applying to grad schools, and all of that while I was drinking more and more (bad combo). It really was too much and radical in an unsettling way. As December progressed, I didn't like it...but I don't know how I could have made it through emotionally without the escapes the alcohol, pot, and my friends gave. PS, I haven't drank in a while now (two weeks-ish) and I'm feeling really, really good about it.
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What else in December? Well, a relationship. I got really attached and close to a guy that I've been friends with since September. He hangs out with the group I spend most my time with. I had originally crushed on him big-time and, unawares to me, he did the same. So, in December, we found out about each other's feelings and....um...I'll stop there about that. Because of him, I started questioning what I would actually end up doing in the future. It's not that I think "he's the one," rather, I'm just shocked at how it felt to be in that kind of relationship - in a relationship with someone of the same gender/sex. I don't mean to sound mushy, but it was really different than I thought it would be. Different in that it was way more.
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Because of the above, for the majority of December, I was really questioning what I would end up doing. I'm feeling pretty unsettled. I really feel ashamed writing that because everyone I know knows that I know what I'm supposed to choose (wife or celibacy), but the truth is - I'm unsettled. I don't really see myself with a partner, but I never saw myself even debating about it. I could see myself being celibate, even though thinking about the lack of a someone to share life with is abhorrent. I can see myself as a husband and father, but I don't exactly see myself courting or engaging in procreation...both are kinda necessary. So, door 1, door 2, or door 3? What's it gonna be? (I promise I don't think about it so causually)
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I really, really enjoyed reading and commenting on others' posts this month. I had some really incredible awakenings because of what others wrote and the questions they made me ask of myself. If you promise not to make fun of me, I cried several times when reading posts (when I read most any post)...even if the post wasn't especially deep or heart-wrenching, I cried because I was thinking about the person that wrote it and how much I feel with him/her and love him/her. Just the thought of the fingers that typed the post and the depth of that person's thoughts, feelings, and soul was enough to cause me to tear up. My emotions were pretty close to the surface over the last month, especially when I was reading blogs. I think it's because of this great tear inside me and because of the deep empathy and love that we bloggers share. When I read others' words, I feel them so strongly.
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Also, something that someone wrote made me go back and read a few of my older posts. This is post #14 since April of this year when I faced up to the truth. I've written about fears, friends, coming out and trying to come out, kissing, drinking, smoking, and toking. I used to really believe that being gay meant I was broken; now, I just accept that gay isn't broken, it's just the way that I am (not who I am) and I can't change it. I started out with a ton of optimism that I'd be able to lick it quickly and still get married in time to avoid serious questioning from family and friends...wow, was I ever naive. I touched alcohol, tobacco, and mj for the first time in 10 years and I've still got alcohol to kick before I'm good on that front. I've talked about wanting to give up and about wanting to run away. I wrote about things that I know regarding God and love and forgiveness and acceptance. I wrote about things that I don't know like the future, me, and the big "why." I was touched by some of the stuff that I read from months past. I had a few moments of real clarity and inspiration. All in all, I'm so glad that I started posting. Because now, I've got friends and allies and advice to such an extent that I could have never found otherwise. Because now, I can track the way that I've been channeled by my experiences so that I can stand back and redirect myself to paths that are of my choosing instead of taking paths that are no more than reactions to experiences. And also because now, I can go back and read the things I said in those critical moments of clarity and awareness. We don't think well all the time. We make decisions that are seemingly unimportant, but that place us months later far from where we aimed to be. If we don't stay conscious of where we are versus where we planned to be, and where we want to be, then the natural/initial reactions we have to life's trials will be the determinants of our future instead of our conscious selves. If we don't decide our lives consciously, then other things will - other things will.
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I thank God for these last days of open meadows. I'm thinking more clearly again. I feel so much these days and I like it. I love my friends and family (that includes all my friends and family). So...what now? I guess we'll see.

Hey Robert, look closely, be honest.

Beer, MJ, clubbing, and kissing guys. You'd have never believed it if someone had said that you'd be doing these things again. It's not you, it never was, and was never supposed to be.

In the past month, I've made the first two habit, I seek them out. I'm not me anymore... Even now, typing this, I just want to go smoke some weed, have a couple beers, and kiss a guy. Not just anybody, but someone close. That's the reason for the long silence - things haven't been well. I can't stand keeping it in/secret anymore. I'm terrified to publish this post because I don't want to hurt Hillary. I'm not sure that I'll hit the "Publish Post" button. But, I've got to be honest. I'm not me anymore. I'm someone different. She's dating other guys and I'm so happy for her. In the most sincere and utterly honest way, I hope that she finds someone that loves her like I do, but that can offer her everything. This blog has to be the place where I'm honest and real. It was created to be the place that I can write whatever because it's me that I'm writing to. For the first couple of months, I didn't share the address because I didn't intend for it to be public. I started it so I could get it all out. So, this is it, this is what's real. I am sorry for it.

I'm sorry that it all sounds so dramatic. I know that being mormon and attracted to guys is not a death or damnation sentence. I know that we make our lives and are held to the consequences of our choices. It's simple as that. My challenges aren't beyond those of many of my friends that still choose the right. Gay LDS guys can be totally happy, get married to a wonderful wife, and have a great family. It happens! What hurts is that I know I'm not who I've become. I've lost the true me. I don't think much anymore. And here I am, I'm sorry for who I've become.

I know it can change...that I can change it. Somehow, it will...I will. I quit smoking and drinking for a month or so...but I'm drinking again and now I've smoked MJ a few times as well. What have I done? I don't see clearly because I refuse to look closely at life. I don't believe that things will drastically change as a result of this post. No, not drastic change, it'll be slow and eventual. I'll be a temple goer again someday, I'll be helping families again, and I'll be me again. I hope sooner than later, but that has yet to be seen. Who am I? I am RedSageWarrior and BrightMedicineHorse, I'm Elder Stahl and Uncle Bobby, I'm Boy Wonder and Obie-One. That's who I am. It's these scales and tar that I've got to shed. They're abrasive, they're heavy. It'll change - I'll change. Watch, but just be patient Robert, be patient.

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P.S. I am so incredibly grateful for the friends I've made and the people I've met through blogging. Wow, we're fortunate to have each other, especially because of the diversity of our experiences and understandings. I'm grateful for that every day. Also, I didn't mean to sound like I'm severely depressed or struggling. I really only get sad when I think about what I'm doing - about how I really want to be right with myself and God but at the same time, I'm doing things that I know are not ok and lead me away from the kind of me that I want to be. I've been good before. Good in the sense that I loved who I was because it was the best expression of me I'd ever seen. That's who RedSageWarrior and BrightMedicineHorse, Elder Stahl and Uncle Bobby, and Boy Wonder and Obie-One are. They're versions of me from the past where my actions and desires were in sync. Who I was was who I wanted to be; where I was was exactly where I wanted to be; and what I was doing was exactly what I wanted to be doing. I've never really been this dissonant before, but, I will get back to good. It's just not happening like I want it to, and as is reality, it's hard. I do laugh and have fun and I've got great friends to spend time with. I thank the heavens for that. I just fear to wear out God's patience or not stop this before I do something really harmful. I don't feel that it's good to "take my time," but on that same note, I can't be impatient...change, lasting change, takes time.

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P.P.S. I haven't been kissing a lot of guys...or even certain guys a lot. I just really want to, wish to, and I think about it somtimes too much.

What do you wan't first? The good or the bad?

The Good:

Well, for the last year or so, before I ended up confronting same gender attraction, I've been very close to an incredible girl - Hillary. She's the third girl that I dated seriously, and definitely the closest person that I've ever been connected with. Words can't describe the relationship that we share. We've toured Europe together, had numerous life or jail experiences in numerous countries on two continents, we've shared a bed many many times during our travels (of course nothing ever happened nor was anything even hoped for, it's just incredible to wake up next to someone you love so deeply), we've driven some 10,000 miles over our several cross-continental road trips, and she's done emergency surgery on me and I did emergency care on her when she fell off a cliff and couldn't get to a hospital for 4 days. We were going to get married, but both of us found that the fear we were experiencing was more than just nerves...lo and behold, last April, it all ran over and spilled out - I'm crazy attracted to guys. Hill stuck with me through a cancer diagnosis, surgery, and then coming to terms with being gay. She's still the closest person I have and we continue to help each other forward every day (she says that I help her too).

About a month ago, we had a serious talk. Our relationship was still reaching for romanticism and hopes for the future were around every corner. The possibility that, if I could figure myself out and get right with things, we might marry some day was really about the only anchor line holding me in place so that the storms didn't blow me away to being completely lost. Well, we had this serious talk because, for a while, I had felt like something was not OK. I had been feeling something was wrong, and I finally asked her how she felt about about us. She asked if I wanted her to be totally honest. I said yes. What she said was exactly how I had been feeling...the reason that I asked the question in the first place. It was this: I was struggling and stuck in a rut...and she was staying there with me while life passed on. Of course friends help friends out; but if I get lost, she couldn't help if she was lost with me. She could help me best if she was on solid ground following her promptings in life. We are so close that we've just stuck together through anything; and while we still will, we can't be lost together. And yes, I'm lost. I'm trying to follow guidance to get me out of being lost...but I'm lost. She had to move forward in life. The thing is that while she can help me with my problems, she cant do them for me. They're my life problems and, truth be told, only I can do them. Well, with that conversation, the hope for marrying her extinguished. My strongest tie-down and anchor line (I know it should be the Lord, but that's not the case now) was cut, and I felt very different inside. One day I caught myself thinking that if someone plowed into me on my motorcycle and I died, that would actually be OK - I could then be in a place where I'd have the possibility to move forward on the whole baptism, deacon, teacher, priest, elder, rm, married,... path. Now, just understand, I'm not suicidal.

Fortunately, my thoughts lead me to a bit of a discovery. It dawned on me that I needed a different purpose in life - a new something for my mortal existence to culminate in. I mean, shoot, there is no other right life aside from the track of baptism, priesthood, mission, married, and children. That's the purpose of life! or was... Well, I thought about it for a while, and I decided it was OK if my life's culminating purpose - the thing that I could say was my mark for having lived - was my work with adolescents and their families. I hope that doesn't sound like a build up to a mediocre answer, cause in no way do I hope to have only a mediocre impact on a mediocre number of individuals. I thought, "If I don't have a family, then all the time that would have gone to them can now go to my work. The people I work with can be my family and expanding and building that business bigger and bigger so as to increase our capacity to help more and more families could be my life and the thing that I invest my heart into." My question to the critic would only be: "What else am I going to do with it?" I see that this is quite idealistic, but "ideals are like stars," right? I mean, I'm not foolish enough to believe that things will turn out just like I see them in my detailed daydreams; but, that's not to say that they can't actually turn out to be better than the dreams. The biggest reason for failing, I think, is cause people fail to dream and then believe in themselves. And again, I can see that this is a stretch, but it's what I'll shoot for. So, the good is that I might have found a new purpose in life.

The Bad:

I'm drinking and smoking more. I'm afraid of the future...of me in the future. I'm afraid that I'll become someone that I'll regret, or that I'll regret living alone, or that I'll regret marrying, or that I'll regret something I didn't want to type. I know what I want, I know what is true, and I know where I should be...but knowing all those things has never precluded me from making grave mistakes. It always comes down to that moment when you face the decision. I think it's that moment that I'm afraid of. No matter what I want or know or see for a hundred days in a row, that moment is decided by what I am able to see then and there. I'm afraid cause I don't have a good track record. I'm a wild card, even to me. I feel like a coward by saying all this, or like a person that plans to fail, or like a premature quitter. But I'd be a liar if I was to say that I know what will happen or that I know I'll be where I'm supposed to be in 2, 5, or 10 years. Don't misunderstand, I don't question my testimony; I don't question my love for God and Christ; I don't question prophets, revelation, leadership, or the power of faith. I question that moment and me in it. I've just learned from so many other experiences...that no matter how I feel now, I can't tell you for sure what will happen at that moment. I'm afraid of not being where I should be some day down the road when I stop and take a look around and then look at myself.

There are the good and the bad. I'm not in a crisis. I love my friends, I love my family, I like my work, and I really don't like my classes. So, I guess I'm normal...maybe I am.