What do you wan't first? The good or the bad?

The Good:

Well, for the last year or so, before I ended up confronting same gender attraction, I've been very close to an incredible girl - Hillary. She's the third girl that I dated seriously, and definitely the closest person that I've ever been connected with. Words can't describe the relationship that we share. We've toured Europe together, had numerous life or jail experiences in numerous countries on two continents, we've shared a bed many many times during our travels (of course nothing ever happened nor was anything even hoped for, it's just incredible to wake up next to someone you love so deeply), we've driven some 10,000 miles over our several cross-continental road trips, and she's done emergency surgery on me and I did emergency care on her when she fell off a cliff and couldn't get to a hospital for 4 days. We were going to get married, but both of us found that the fear we were experiencing was more than just nerves...lo and behold, last April, it all ran over and spilled out - I'm crazy attracted to guys. Hill stuck with me through a cancer diagnosis, surgery, and then coming to terms with being gay. She's still the closest person I have and we continue to help each other forward every day (she says that I help her too).

About a month ago, we had a serious talk. Our relationship was still reaching for romanticism and hopes for the future were around every corner. The possibility that, if I could figure myself out and get right with things, we might marry some day was really about the only anchor line holding me in place so that the storms didn't blow me away to being completely lost. Well, we had this serious talk because, for a while, I had felt like something was not OK. I had been feeling something was wrong, and I finally asked her how she felt about about us. She asked if I wanted her to be totally honest. I said yes. What she said was exactly how I had been feeling...the reason that I asked the question in the first place. It was this: I was struggling and stuck in a rut...and she was staying there with me while life passed on. Of course friends help friends out; but if I get lost, she couldn't help if she was lost with me. She could help me best if she was on solid ground following her promptings in life. We are so close that we've just stuck together through anything; and while we still will, we can't be lost together. And yes, I'm lost. I'm trying to follow guidance to get me out of being lost...but I'm lost. She had to move forward in life. The thing is that while she can help me with my problems, she cant do them for me. They're my life problems and, truth be told, only I can do them. Well, with that conversation, the hope for marrying her extinguished. My strongest tie-down and anchor line (I know it should be the Lord, but that's not the case now) was cut, and I felt very different inside. One day I caught myself thinking that if someone plowed into me on my motorcycle and I died, that would actually be OK - I could then be in a place where I'd have the possibility to move forward on the whole baptism, deacon, teacher, priest, elder, rm, married,... path. Now, just understand, I'm not suicidal.

Fortunately, my thoughts lead me to a bit of a discovery. It dawned on me that I needed a different purpose in life - a new something for my mortal existence to culminate in. I mean, shoot, there is no other right life aside from the track of baptism, priesthood, mission, married, and children. That's the purpose of life! or was... Well, I thought about it for a while, and I decided it was OK if my life's culminating purpose - the thing that I could say was my mark for having lived - was my work with adolescents and their families. I hope that doesn't sound like a build up to a mediocre answer, cause in no way do I hope to have only a mediocre impact on a mediocre number of individuals. I thought, "If I don't have a family, then all the time that would have gone to them can now go to my work. The people I work with can be my family and expanding and building that business bigger and bigger so as to increase our capacity to help more and more families could be my life and the thing that I invest my heart into." My question to the critic would only be: "What else am I going to do with it?" I see that this is quite idealistic, but "ideals are like stars," right? I mean, I'm not foolish enough to believe that things will turn out just like I see them in my detailed daydreams; but, that's not to say that they can't actually turn out to be better than the dreams. The biggest reason for failing, I think, is cause people fail to dream and then believe in themselves. And again, I can see that this is a stretch, but it's what I'll shoot for. So, the good is that I might have found a new purpose in life.

The Bad:

I'm drinking and smoking more. I'm afraid of the future...of me in the future. I'm afraid that I'll become someone that I'll regret, or that I'll regret living alone, or that I'll regret marrying, or that I'll regret something I didn't want to type. I know what I want, I know what is true, and I know where I should be...but knowing all those things has never precluded me from making grave mistakes. It always comes down to that moment when you face the decision. I think it's that moment that I'm afraid of. No matter what I want or know or see for a hundred days in a row, that moment is decided by what I am able to see then and there. I'm afraid cause I don't have a good track record. I'm a wild card, even to me. I feel like a coward by saying all this, or like a person that plans to fail, or like a premature quitter. But I'd be a liar if I was to say that I know what will happen or that I know I'll be where I'm supposed to be in 2, 5, or 10 years. Don't misunderstand, I don't question my testimony; I don't question my love for God and Christ; I don't question prophets, revelation, leadership, or the power of faith. I question that moment and me in it. I've just learned from so many other experiences...that no matter how I feel now, I can't tell you for sure what will happen at that moment. I'm afraid of not being where I should be some day down the road when I stop and take a look around and then look at myself.

There are the good and the bad. I'm not in a crisis. I love my friends, I love my family, I like my work, and I really don't like my classes. So, I guess I'm normal...maybe I am.

About me

I'm sitting in prison in Utah with a little heater fan blowing on me and an inmate taking a personality profile measure next to me. The measure is 567 questions long, so I've had some time to do some thinking and I'm going to have some time to do some writing. What do I think? Well, life is most always a better deal than I feel it is. I say most always because sometimes, I am able to see it for the radiant and transcendent marvel that it is, and the beautiful future that it urges on us. Funny, I usually start to see that life is better than I give it credit for after talking with a few inmates. I guess, compared to them, I've not got such a hard case. Hahaha.

I hesitated to post this cause I'm not sure how good of an idea it is to open yourself up like so. I edited it down quite a bit and tried to make it as clear as possible. I'm posting it for two reasons: so that I can read it a few years down the road and maybe see how my thinking about the past has changed and because I really appreciate being able to learn about others' lives and the things that lead them to where they are now, so maybe others will appreciate reading this.

Well, I'm a small town boy. I feel so at home in the woods and in nature...it can be the outskirts of a small town, a cow pasture, or some meadow a hundred miles from anything and I'm home. Yeah, corny. But, really, you've seen man vs wild? Yeah, that's totally my thing. I finally acknowledged being SGA in April 2008, but that's not to say that I couldn't have admitted to it before. I got into trouble with boys starting at about the age of six. Sometimes we got caught sometimes we didn't. I never treated girls with anything but the utmost respect. I thought I was such a good guy. All of the immoral stuff stayed really well hidden, even from my parents. I played most every sport, fished, hunted, camped, and got into plenty of trouble - I've got a juvi record a mile long.

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We moved to another town when I was 15 and on probation for the second time. This probation officer was a really good guy and helpful. That was the start of a new life. I remember my dad saying to me, "This is your chance to start new. Nobody here knows anything about what you've done." I don't know why, but after all the things that my parents said trying to turn me around, this time, my dad got through. I started being good as far as what people saw, but nothing ever changed with regard to immorality. I had some pretty life changing things happen in the latter teenage years. The most significant was a car accident that involved my whole family (mom, dad, me and my four sisters). I got some pretty serious head injuries that left me with few memories from my past and a bit of a changed personality. For the 4 months after the accident, I was on my own. I was one of the two people in my family that could walk and because of that, I was expected to take care of myself. It was a really rough time, my brain couldn't handle coherent thought, but I was on my own. After it was all over, I had become very independent and comfortable being alone. I had plenty of fun with friends, but my favorite time was being quiet and alone or having good talks with one friend.

When I went to college, I told my parents that I was planning on going on a mission, just because if I didn't tell them that, they would have probably broken (I'm currently the only active child of the four that moved out...and they don't know I'm gay); but, I definitely knew that I would never choose to go. I had tried so many things to get the Lord to fix me (I knew something was wrong) that by this time, I was really resistant with Him. Fortunately, I had some miraculous roommates that first semester and an incredible mentor...I decided that I did want to serve a mission. I went out on the mission right before they "raised the bar." Now, believe me when I say this, I served with everything I had and the most unspeakable things happened on the mission. Wow, I learned that I was where the Lord wanted me to be; and that God, his offer for redemption through the atonement, and the reality of his closeness are so true, real, and actual.

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After I came back, I taught at the MTC for a year. These three years (the mission and the MTC) stood in sharp contrast to the rest of my life. After the MTC, I left UT cause I didn't know where life was suppose to go. I moved to Arizona and started working for a program that helped children who had gotten in deep trouble with the law, drugs, immorality, or other defiant or destructive behavior. I loved it, and I got a second job working with children in group homes and emergency care shelters who were wards of the state. Both of these were in Arizona. The two years there brought me to the knowledge of what my calling is in life - to help young people and their families to learn to walk together in harmony through the challenges of this world. I needed more education to do this, so I sold my house in AZ and moved back to UT to finish school. I'll be done in April and then move on to whichever grad school accepts me.

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April will be the one year mark from when I admitted to SGA. I have nightmares sometimes that my family finds me out. It's going to happen some day. I don't have a partner and I don't ever plan to, but being single for too long is just about as much of a give-away. At any rate, the other questions and evidences will eventually give me up. But, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, no?

Ideals are like stars...

Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the ocean desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them, you reach your destiny. -Carl Schurtz

I came out to my bishop back toward the beginning of summer. I talked with him two weeks later and then never went back. I felt so gross talking with him about how I'm attracted to dudes. Out of the blue, he called and asked if I would meet with him...so we did, last Sunday. I was scared to death, but I figured: "He set up the meeting, I'll let him have charge and see what he wants." We chatted in general about life and such for a little and then he asked; "So, how are...other things going?" (I think that he's as uncomfortable as I am). I told him that this has been probably the hardest summer of my life, maybe matched by a summer or two from the worst of my teenage years. I told him about smoking and drinking...and that I've quit that (I have). I told him that at this point, I wish I hadn't ever even gone to that meeting where I came out and confronted this; but, I acknowledged that life goes on and I told him that I knew my feelings would change somehow.

The other night, I talked with Hillary for about 90 minutes. We had a good talk, but when we ended it, I was troubled cause I couldn't see how things were going to get better. So, I've been thinking about it. I think I've forgotten that some problems don't get fixed, some challenges can't be vanquished, and some trials are life-long. So, what's left to say but "get over it!"

Today, I was thinking about the things that I have that I can be happy about. Dang, there's a lot. I've got some of the best friends, roommates, cousins, sisters and parents that a person could imagine. So what if I'm gay and can't seem to change it. I remember when I was working with others that were experiencing trials and challanges, I would say to them that they needed to focus on things that they both wanted to change and could change...or cause to change. Worrying about anything else was not only futile and wasteful, but harmful and destructive. Well, it's plain to see that I need someone to share that very principle with me. I've been concerning myself so strongly with things I can't change that I haven't even had safe control over things I could influence or change for the better.

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After thinking about the good fortune I experience in life, I thought about some of my most cherished memories, including touring the museums in Washington, DC, with Hill(ary). In one museum of art, there were tons of quotes on the walls accompanying masterful paintings. One of the quotes was from Carl Schurz: "Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the ocean desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them, you reach your destiny." I think I've been following my feet - or at least looking down all the time while saying that I'm trying to follow the stars. Yeah, doesn't work. I think he means that we've got to stay focused on the things that we do want and can accomplish and not let ourselves be distracted or turned from our path by other seemingly valid concerns - concerns that we might be able to affect, but that would prove to be less important than the grand plans and ideals that we chase and could otherwise be accomplishing if we would but stay focused. So, I'll spend the next while working on understanding how best to stay focused on the stars and be guided by ideals. Of course, it'll be a process; but perhaps, it'll be the reminder that I need to recall to me the way of being I once had - the one that brings joy and fullness to work and relationships, and love and life.

Ok, I know that sounds kinda corny, but I really mean it. There is a way of being, a song that your heart can sing, a presence that you can develop; whatever you call it, when you are this way, the people and places and events in life are all good and right. They didn't change, you did. It only ever results from or is the sum consequence of the fine choices that you make every day inside yourself that nobody knows about. I say this mostly to myself, because I forget it too easily. The way that you are inside - your way of being - is not something that you get to choose directly; rather, it is a sum of the choices you make in your thoughts and heart throughout the days. This presence of yours is ever-changing, formed by who you are in the places where nobody but you and God can see. I feel ashamed for being who I've been this last little while...kicking against the pricks. So...change doesn't happen in an instant. It requires time and effort. I've already started towards it; now, I need to continue and soon, I'll start to see as I was able to see some time ago. There'll be more light, more purpose, and more why's to work every day and follow the ideals that guide.

Back at it

When I was a sophomore in college, I became really angered and isolated because I didn't know what I was doing... everything was pointless and nothing was going anywhere. So, I dropped out of school and really planned never to return. I took a job and spent two years working in Arizona with youth who were in serious trouble tied to drugs, the law, or other defiant or depressed behavior. I bought a house, had a good salary, and LOVED the friends that I had and the way that I felt about life. I was being great and my focus was on helping others, faith and God, and progressing in life. My plan was to stay there for a decade or so and see where my life and a family took me. After one of the LDS general conferences - the priesthood session in particular - something happened that caused me to unquestionably know that I had to go back to school, get my degree in psychology, and then continue to work with adolescents who were in trouble. It was incredibly hard and scary, but I applied to return to BYU, sold all that I had, bought a car and left behind the best life I had ever known. I moved to UT for the same student life that had brought me to depression two years previous and I was seriously wondering "why?"

Every time I had ever changed stations in life, it was because of the same feeling inside me that was so clear in directing where to go and what I was to do there. As long as I followed it, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to be doing. When I left Arizona, I knew where I was supposed to go - UT, and I knew what I was supposed to do - go to school, but I had no idea why. For two years in AZ, I had been engaged in as good a cause and effective a cause as that when I was a missionary. Why was I supposed to move back to UT where I had crashed in stress, anxiety, and trouble? In April of this year, I went to the Mattis meeting (a supportive kind of evening for gay or lesbian LDS members). I finally started to deal with my homosexual feelings. All the sudden, I knew that this was the reason I was supposed to move to UT. I had to deal with it. Now, after all the events of the last five months, I'm asking, "What was He thinking?!@#?"

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I don't know what I'm doing. School and work offer some direction or at least they offer to occupy my time. I still know that I'm going to finish psychology, get my license, and help young people; but, aside from those outward things, I have no idea where I am or where I'm going or how to have the heart and ability to do what I feel I'm supposed to...inside. Like Cadence said, I feel completely empty, pointless, and lifeless. Why? I think it's because of the way that I've withdrawn my emotions from day to day life. I think it's because I'm not truly engaged and invested in spiritual progression. And I think it's because of the the ways I've allowed myself to stray or walk away from how or who I know I should be.

I don't know. It's like I know where I should be when all is said and done, but I don't see the way to get there and I'm only facing that direction when I stop, turn, and look that way thinking, "Look, that's the final destination." I hope that this lost feeling will pass. Maybe it's a temporary transient feeling. Probably, it's the case that I have to work hard to start feeling found again. Definitely, there are some things that can never and should never change - including God and his nature, the truth and reality of faith, and one's history and origin; and on the other hand, there are other things that are meant to change - a man's character, desires, nature, abilities, and future. Time and work. That's what can change things. Both necessary and costly; but some things are worth it...like eternity. If only I could really feel this all the time. Thanks to the Creator for family, friends, and their and His love...and thanks to them. Here's to letting those you love and can't do without know it.