Conditioning and Caboosing

"We love you no matter what and as long as you don't give in to that, everything is ok." - mom and dad

"You'll always be my brother and I'll always love you. As long as you resist that temptation, you have nothing to be ashamed of." - little sister

"Robert, I've known you for so long and I know who you are. Because I know that I know you, no matter what ever happens, I'll love you and you will never change for me." - real friend

Please don't condition your love for me - leave off the caboose. Perhaps you don't intend to, but your words betray you. The value in the words of what my "real friend" said is indescribable. I've heard it only a few times, and it always evokes emotion from deep within. I watched Harvey Milk tell a fearful young gay man, "you are not sick and you are not wrong and God does not hate you." I want to believe it so badly that I find myself needing to wipe my eyes or breathe deeply for fear of losing my composure. How can a society of "saints" indoctrinate its young disciples with such horrible messages that they believe they are sick, wrong and hated of God for being gay? Christ said that LOVE was the greatest commandment of all. If you have to put love aside to do something in the name of your deity, then haven't you missed the mark? If you condition your love, then haven't you conditioned your discipleship?

My cousins black-listed me. I've lived in their home, I was roommates with another, and I baby sat for and visited them weekly. It is more than words can convey, how horrible such reactions are. Parents that cast their gay child to the curb; brothers, sisters, or extended family that cuts them out of their lives; and universities or communities that expel them from their organizations. Is such conditional association consistent with love, compassion, or even respect?

My psychology hero is Carl Rogers. One of many tenants he had for effective counseling or therapy was that it must be non-directive. When there is unsolicited directional counsel or expectations, they hinder progress because they become interference and static. This detracts from the individual's ability to make discoveries and intrinsically motivated decisions. Each person must come to find their concept of the world and the course for their life. This requires that they are able to discover it themselves, free from the innumerable influences that are only motivated by self-benefit. Support and love is requisite - but conditions and cabooses can be fatal.

To truly love someone, you desire the best for them. With conditional love, you desire what's best for you - and so you care not whether your counsel is unsolicited or directional, because it is motivated by your interests. If I love someone, I will trust them with their life and support them with real love free of conditions. When others do this for me, I feel that their care is genuine. They become a safe place for me to open my heart and mind to explore. Only then do I become desirous of their counsel.

A post script prompted by Calvin's valid comment:

So, there is love, and love needs to truly be unconditional. As far as support, we would hope that our loved ones would be willing to support us no matter what (as long as we're not way off the mark; for instance, I don't expect that they would support me if I was robbing convenience stores). So, support is something that we hope for and I hope that my family would support me whether I had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Regarding consequences, they are the results of our actions. They're sometimes good, sometimes bad, and sometimes they're neither. I don't find it unjust that certain choices can lose me my membership in the church. My involvement is voluntary and it's their prerogative to set conditions for their community. If I was a member of PETA, then I'd probably need to stop hunting. Yeah? While this is the case, I really wish that things were different. I wish that familial support could continue even if someone had a same sex partner. I wish that there was a different way for the church to deal with actively homosexual members. And I wish that love would prevail in questionable situations.

Thanks Giving Day

I woke this morning at 4:45 to get ready for work...and as I climbed into Hillary's little Toyota Tercel, I felt more grateful than I have in a long, long time. I feel the greatest portion of gratitude for the people - both family and friends - with whom I get to share bonds of love, compassion, care, and profound closeness. Without these people, life is cold and absolutely devoid of meaning; but with these relationships, I can see a purpose, potential, and value even in wandering. I truly hope that none of these friends or family would need to question my appreciation for them. They held my hand when I bought my first home, they kept me safe when I was emerging from the closet, they carried me through sickness and surgery, and they sheltered me when I was homeless. In all these things, they've continuously done one thing - they've loved me. Through all that we experience in life and through all the choices that we have and will make, the greatest question is, "how much do you love?" Order, read, or borrow Carol Lynn Pearson's book The Lesson: A Fable for Our Times. Indeed, Christ (whether Savior, prophet, teacher, or all three) said that the greatest commandment was to love God, your neighbor, and your own self. If we truly love, then respect and kindness and sacrifice come naturally and in turn. I feel deep, genuine, and profound gratitude in my soul for those who care and who harbor a form of love for me. It gives me life when I feel lifeless, it gives me reason when I feel there is none, and it provides truth when I feel lost. If only "thank you" could fully carry the depth of gratitude I wish to express...if only.

I am also truly grateful to God, the creator and operator of our world. I'm grateful for the resilliance of our spirits and bodies. Even though at times I've questioned whether or not I could recover from some blows, it's always happened - I've always recovered. I'm grateful that I'm healthy both in mind and body. I'm grateful for the life I was born into. My country, my family, the conditions of the time I live in and the people with whom I share life - I do not and will not take any of it for granted.

Even though some things are not well, I can still be very grateful for other things that are. Truly, gratitude is the harbinger of happiness.

Coming To My Senses?

I can't spit anything out...there's so much going on - both fun and not-so-fun - but it doesn't seem to want to be sorted out. The following are entries that I started...but couldn't see through to a final conclusive end.

October 26 - On the Issue of Repentance

[I have so many thoughts relative to this topic, but I couldn't type a one.]

October 28 - My, oh My. How Things Have Changed

I wrote this almost exactly a year ago: I'm afraid of the future...of me in the future. I'm afraid that I'll become someone that I'll regret, or that I'll regret living alone, or that I'll regret marrying, or that I'll regret something I didn't want to type.

I'm no longer afraid of the future - I'm going to choose the paths I walk, and I'll choose them out of a healthy state of mind and because I feel and believe that they are the better choice. I'm no longer afraid of me in the future - I'm not a wild-card as long as I'm not making choices out of fear, despair, or hopelessness. Regrets? Well, it's going to be a challenge, but I'll work my best to make choices that I won't regret. It might not come out clearly, but here's a thought: When I stand at a crossroads, mine will be the charge to make the choice that most befits my values, passions, concerns, awakenings, and beliefs. If I am honestly true to these things, then I will have no reason, in sixty years, to look back with the smallest degree of regret for the life I will have lived.

October 31 - Oh, Parents. What Do I Say To You?

Mom and dad know I'm gay. They've accepted that guys have a spell on me and not girls; but, I'm slowly finding that while they say they'll always love and support me, their actions say otherwise. They told me that they want to know what's going on (I would guess that they said this because...well, that's what parents feel is the right thing to say); unfortunately, they've given me two options to chose from when I tell them what's up: "Hey mom and dad, I hold a current temple recommend and I'm going to the temple regularly" or "I'm working with my bishop to become worthy to go back to the temple." So, what if neither of those is the case? Well, then they don't want to hear it.

At the beginning of the month, I told them that I've started going back to church. I asked if they would like to read something that I recently wrote. My dad said yes. I told him that it would reveal some of the things that I did last year to cope with the hard times. He said that he'd still like me to send it. I sent them the post, The LDS Church and Gays. After a week of silence, my mom wrote a letter and called me to shame for having turned to drugs to cope and because I'm "speaking against the prophets and apostles of the church," my sister phoned me in tears because mom told her that I'm "writing anti-Mormon literature," and just last Monday my dad told me that he would rather that gays stayed hidden in fear because at least they didn't have such a negative effect on society like they do now. Wow, that didn't go well. I told them that they had terribly misunderstood the message of what I wrote; I said that we would just have to agree to disagree on a few things; and I worked at being patient toward them and not taking offense at what they said or believed. But yesterday, I failed.

By nine in the morning, I was so angry and frustrated. I just didn't know what to do. I almost went to the liquor store for a bottle of something strong, but I decided to go to the Borders bookstore instead and get lost in a good novel. It worked, the anger and frustration went away, but the problem remains. I really don't know what the future will look like and I've quit using absolutes like never and always; so, I've been thinking about where my parents are coming from and what I could do to slowly wear away at the irrational, traditionalist, and narrow sight they seem to have. Eh, whatever.

November 3 - Closets are for Clothes...and Me!

Oh, no. So, my cousin told my aunt and my aunt told the rest of her family. Their reactions: one didn't have a problem, one cried, and the others? S__t, f__k, damn, and hell. Those were their reactions, respectively. This was why I didn't tell them. Oh, no...

Like I said. A lot of jumbled stuff and it's not falling into any sort of coherent framework. I guess sometimes you're just jumbled, and that's ok. Also, it's interesting to see the way that emotions and stress can so strongly influence my thoughts and opinions. I'd like to admit that I was quite frustrated or discouraged as I started writing some of these entries. I think that I was somewhat unfair to my parents in what I said - it's hard for them too. Mine isn't the only heart that experienced fear, hurt, and despair. I submit this only because I want to remember how easily I can become jumbled and confused. I think it's added to because...well, there's this someone...

The world without is but a reflection of the world within

For such a long time now, I've felt so much frustration and bitterness. And only because it's natural for us (maybe just for me) to need a focus for such feelings, the target of my bitterness and frustration became God and by association, the LDS Church (the one that I was raised in). I was able to be more understanding toward the church and its members - they are, like me, human and I understand what that's like...to not be perfect; but toward God, because "He is perfect," I didn't feel that I needed to temper my anger and criticism toward Him. In my work with struggling youth and with inmates at the UT state prison, I had been privy to know of so much unspeakable evil that is perpetrated on innocent or integrally good people. And I had been deeply hurt by the struggles that I was experiencing. I felt that if God was perfect and He created this plan that we are caught in, then He was perfectly cold and distanced from the suffering of His people. Could He not have come up with a plan that didn't require such horrible slaughter or allow such damaging and devastatingly evil self-perpetuating abuses? If it was in my power, I would never have set loose a plan wherein those horrors would occur. Because God is perfect, I felt so much more betrayed by His intentions than by anybody ever before. If He is perfect, and in His perfection, He is allowing this kind of inhumanity to occur, what are His intentions?

That's how I felt, and it penetrated clear to the deepest parts of me. Those feelings grew roots into every part of my heart, intellect, and beliefs.

Today, I had a conversation with an amazing gay LDS friend who is a great exemplar of patience and understanding in this arena. In talking and texting with him, I was reminded of an idea that I once used to live by. It's this: There are many things that I can't understand and many things that I can't change. To let my frustrations and fears with these things ruin my happiness and peace is just self-defeating; so, in the name of preserving mental and emotional health, I have to allow those concerns to go unanswered and instead, focus my energy on things that I can affect and change.

For a long time, I found myself unable to enjoy church meetings or LDS General Conference addresses because all I could see was a lacking understanding, judgemental people, and bigotry. A wise Indian once told me that "the world without is but a reflection of the world within." He said that what I saw in the world around me was but a reflection of what was within me. I saw a lack of effort to be understanding because I was falling short of understanding others - because I feared they wouldn't understand me. I saw judgemental people because I was judging them when I felt they might judge me. And I felt bigotry from others because I, myself, was a bigot toward those who I saw as bigots. I was destroying myself by letting my frustrations and fears ruin my happiness and peace.

Over the last month, I was able to attend church a couple of Sundays. For the first time in a long time, I truly enjoyed the meetings and felt love and peace in the discussions. Over this weekend, I was able to watch some of General Conference and I felt warmth and comfort where, for the last year, I had only felt justifiable criticism. I am once again enjoying church!

So, now in my journey, I am beginning again to see past frustration, fear, and bitterness to enjoy a better and brighter world, a world - a reflection - of my world within.

I recognize now, as I once did before, that to make a change in what I see in the world around me, I have to change the world within. Be more understanding and I'll see more of it in the world around me; judge less and I'll feel less judged; and be more compassionate and I'll see more compassion around me...and less bigotry.

This won't turn the world into a bag of peaches, but a beautiful world can only be seen by those who cultivate beauty within themselves - beautiful attitudes, ideas, and beliefs about others. It feels so good to feel this again.

The LDS Church and gays

There is a large and very hot discussion going on right now and the topic is respect, rights, and acceptance for those of the lesbian and gay community. The LDS Church has recently become increasingly compassionate toward members and nonmembers who are attracted to the same sex/gender (I'm totally thrilled about this); however, the LDS church's and the Catholic church's influence have been responsible for the passing of legislation denying the civil right of marriage to gays and lesbians. From the other side, patience and long-suffering within the gay and lesbian communities is wearing thinner and thinner (it seems unbelievable to us that one would have to wait to be eligible for the same respect, rights, and acceptance that their peers enjoy - the difference being that heterosexuality is the acceptable orientation in the country that was founded on the principles that all men are created equal and endowed by the creator with unalienable rights for opportunity and happiness). The injustice is downright frustrating and the fact that it still exists and by virtue of popular vote is unbelievable. As far as the Church and gays go, I try to empathize with both sides; keep in mind, though, that empathize and approve of are not the same. But, a good step forward would be to better understand the "other" in the argument. To understand where others are coming from, I think of my experience with drugs.

Before I ever used drugs, I had a pretty simple belief about them. People who use, well, they choose to use. They choose to mess up their lives (because we all know that's exactly what drugs do and that's all that they do), and however much we have compassion for them (as we should), what they are experiencing in consequence is the result of their choices. Say no to drugs - they're bad, and bad people do them.

Now, years later and after experiencing what it is to be a user, and working along side and with so many past and present users, I have a bit of a different take on the issue. I'd agree with my former belief that those who use, choose to use; however, that's about as far as I can go in agreeing with my former beliefs about drugs. "They chose to mess up their lives." Ha! I know for myself and I've heard the same from many others that when I started using, I was trying to save my life - trying to save it from fatal depression, incinerating anger, and the growing desire to forfeit the future in favor of life after death. "What they are experiencing is a result of their choices." Bah! I was assuming that all that they were experiencing was getting high and coming down and a subsequent physical and mental decline. Wrong. I experienced overwhelming fear, depression, and despair. The hurt was bad enough that I had to do something to stop the pain or I'd have to crawl out of my skin. I was sleeping any available waking moment just so I wouldn't have to feel. THAT is what I was experiencing - none of it a consequence of any choices I had made; rather, it was consequence to having finally met the then unbearable reality that I was gay and that meant life as I had dreamed it was never going to happen for me. THAT is when and why I started using...and suddenly I didn't have to feel that unbearable reality anymore. I was better. The pain was gone whenever I wanted it to be gone. I could have gone to a psychiatrist and achieved the same effect, but my way was cheaper. P.S. I've been clean for quite a while.

Now, that was not an argument advocating the use of drugs. I work all the time with people, trying to help them to find alternatives and reasons to stay clean - to help them experience how much better it is to replace self-medication with healthy and open relationships with compassionate and loving people like family, parents, and friends. Rather, that experience in learning I was naive is the way that I can better understand the leaders and members of the church. What I wrote about the before and after of drugs, I really mean it. Before using drugs, I really, really was sure that I was right about what I believed and I was positive that I had God on my side. After experiencing what I experienced, I realized that I had been naive. My naivety turned to ignorance when I thought that I knew what it was all about, and my ignorance encouraged bigoted beliefs about users and an attitude of limited compassion. Now, I think that God would rather I used drugs in place of forfeiting life (these being the only two options I was able to see, being blind with fear and sadness). Unfortunately, for me, it wasn't until I experienced what I did that I understood how naive I was - even about being naive.

Unless there's something that I don't know, none of the General Authorities are gay - they've never been users. They're definitely doing better with trying to understand and be compassionate about the topic of homosexuality than I was about the topic of drugs; but, I guess, until you're the one being burned, the fire only looks hot. Yeah?

I would not have to look hard or read past the first part of Elder Bruce Hafen's talk to find opportunity to be offended. The poor man stood comfortably at the pulpit and said all that stuff about how hot the fire is to a crowd of people that were standing in the flames! Many of the ideas he shared were contrary to new literature from the church. He didn't do himself any good up there. But, he didn't intend any harm. People make mistakes. There's a reason that so many are concerned about being politically correct. And although GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH, I'm able to be a happier person if I can keep myself from being offended by a man with good intentions but lacking knowledge and tact. If I ever did want to meet Elder Hafen, I don't care to now; but I wish nothing bad upon him.

I am positive that there are general authorities of the church that are deeply concerned about the issue. I'm also disappointed with the conduct of the officials of the church and their leadership through prop 8 and similar situations in other states. Being that church officers and general authorities are appointed by God to lead His children, my disappointment runs deeper.

We are subject to the influences and conditions of the times that we live in and the thinking of the age.

Is it outside of God's will that a man marry a man or a woman wed a woman? Is it God's will that people and governments withhold from gays many of the "unalienable" rights with which they are "endowed by their Creator?" I don't know.

Serious change takes a long time - too long. History is not kind to those who rush it. But change doesn't happen by default, but by the work of pioneers. And pioneers don't often reap the full rewards of their work; rather, that is left to the following generations.

So, are the LDS church and gays two mutually exclusive groups? I don't think so. Do I hope that the feelings and understandings of the church and its members regarding homosexuality change soon - sooner than later? I really do. And do I think this will happen without effort and sacrifice from the gay Mormon members and former members? Nope. Whether God wants gay marriage to be eternal or not, I do believe marriage is a civil right and I'm bewildered that it is still not available to gays.

I will continue to search for God's will in my life. Inconsistency with Him makes it hard to find peace. I hope (and when I start praying again, I'll pray) that the people of our time will soften their hearts on this issue that they do not understand. But, I expect to have to brush off ignorant or bigoted comments again and again. I'm sure that I'll need to correct misconceptions about gays again and again. And I'm sure that I'll become offended or hurt by actions or comments from this person or that organization. But, I'm most sure that I'll have fun most the time and be healthy and happy over the space of a long life. We all have callings. We're all in different situations and we all have things that we need to do for ourselves and for those around us. Everyone should read The Alchemist and then they'll understand when I say that we've got to pursue our personal legend.

As a post script, I'm no longer in NYC. I got out there and found a place to live and had incredibly fun roomies in a really cool neighborhood...and then I went to the first day of school and met with my graduate advisor. The program I was about to start wasn't going to accomplish what I needed it to accomplish (namely, get me into a PhD program or at least increase my chances of getting in). I talked with the graduate adviser and department head for a couple of hours about their PhD application review process, about what they look for, and about the insignificance of a masters degree to those reviewing PhD applications. Everything they said clearly illustrated the uselessness of completing the program I was about to start. So, I decided not to spend a TON of money and two years getting this degree when it would provide no benefit; rather, I thought it better to work for a year and reapply to doctoral programs and go back to school in fall of 2010. So, here I am, back in the west - in Logan, UT. Initially, I returned to MT where my family is and I started looking for work. Two days later, I was offered full-time employment with decent pay with an adolescent behavioral health care provider - exactly what I was hoping for - so I jumped on it. This was so fortunate and really made me feel very grateful. I think it'll be nice to work for a year, to get my spiritual life back in order, and to save up some money for where-ever I take off to next fall to start a PhD program.

And the summer comes to a close...

The summer in Arizona was so helpful and necessary. It wasn't easy or all good - of course I still did some really stupid things; but, I haven't had a drink since the summer began (thanks to a pact and the support of a few friends), I was able to do a lot of listening (metaphorical), and I heard and felt so much that I really needed. Best of all, I was able to live the whole (almost) summer with my concerns totally outside myself. In Arizona, everything we did was about the children and families that we were working with. I can't describe how wonderful and fulfilling and heartening it is to help a child, mother, and father rediscover their desire and love for one another, their interdependence on each other, and the sweetness of harmony and peace when it's inside you. Wow, I'm so grateful for what I was able to participate in over the summer. :)

Now, I'm off to Brooklyn, NY for grad school! Yep, I'm a little intimidated...and excited...and whatever else. I'm not sure what life is going to be like over there. Living conditions, transportation, work and money, roomies, neighborhoods, neighbors, professors, classes, campus, friends...I don't even have an apartment yet (I'm in the process of sorting thru the candidates). Thinking about it just makes me feel more intimidated, excited, and anxious. Oh, but I have no doubt that it'll be fun. I'll just have to write about it when I get there.

When I finished up in Arizona and headed up to Montana, I had the chance to stop in and see some friends in Utah. Wow, that was soooo nice. And wow, I miss them so much! They're such good friends and kind and loving. Wow, I love them. Amidst seeing my friends, I went to my little sister's wedding (or better said: while at my sister's wedding, I got to visit some friends). Her and her husband are both really lucky (he's cute and she's an overall ten). hehe. It was so great to see all of my family in one place celebrating two people I totally love. Then, in Montana, Hillary and I got to spend four days together. This was so necessary because of how unavailable we were to each other over the summer - being out in the wilderness, her teaching, separated by half a continent... Her and I hadn't been able to really talk much aside from the casual chat. While she was in Montana, we had such an amazing time playing, laughing, wrestling, and most important of all, talking. We touched base with each other - we really talked and shared all about how life is now-a-days. Oh, that was so nice and liberating and sustaining to be able to be with her and open up totally and have her do the same. Wow, I really love that girl.

So, with the summer coming to a close, I find that I'm a very grateful chump - so lucky to have such quality people to love and to have such great people loving me. Don't ever forget this.

It's been long...

It's really been a very long time since I last thought quietly and singly about the way the events of the last year have affected me and how they are now affecting the paths I travel these days...haha, maybe that's good.

Over the last six weeks, I sold my motorcycle and car, moved to Arizona, enacted Plan A, started working for the ANASAZI Foundation again, bought a new bike, and am preparing to move to NYC to start graduate school in the fall. So much has happened that I can hardly believe that it's only been six weeks.

Leaving Utah was much harder than I expected. I had no idea how dependent I had grown to my routine and friends. I was biding time and living a life suspended from rules, church, and obligation. I was doing what allowed me to feel free and happy. There was only one serious problem with the life I was leading: in living it up and playing like I was, I wasn't killing or suffocating myself, but I was allowing myself to start down a path where the sole concern was me and my happiness. The problem? Well, it was that the things of greatest value in life are not things at all, they are people and our relationships with them. When we are solely focused on ourselves and our own pursuit of happiness, our most valuable relations with those that are vitally important to us diminish. The Creator, our parents and siblings, our confidants, and our own hearts. These are the relationships that become distant and withered when our focus is on ourselves.

Talking With My Parents After Coming Out

I'm out to my parents as gay; I'm accepted to grad school in NYC; and I lose my job, health insurance, and apartment in 2 days...and I think I'm ok with it all.

My parents came down from Montana the other weekend so that we could have time to talk and reaffirm the facts that we're family, we love each other no matter what, and that they're proud of me as their son. I'm so very fortunate that my parents have received this news so well. They have their concerns and they had a little counsel for me, but they were all ears for the feelings and awakenings I shared with them. Over the weekend, we had about 4 hours of quality conversation about homosexuality and faith and virtue.

My father is the bishop of the LDS congregation in our little Montana town, and consistent with what you would expect from him, the counsel was to remain faithful to the commandments of God as we have them through Church leaders and the scriptures. What I didn't expect from him was so much listening. My father has always been a leader and he's perceptive, wise...and quite conservative. He shared his feelings and thoughts as fitted the conversation; but along with his input, I recognized that he was intently and thoughtfully listening to my sharing of experiences and my lessons I learned over the past year. Not only did he listen, but he responded to these experiences and lessons in a manner that was original in comparison to his past. What I mean to say is that his responses weren't derived from the religious conservative standard that is often his platform; rather, his responses were clearly coming from dialectic thought and true-life experiences.

Since she read the letter, my mother has expressed nothing but care, concern, and a desire to help and love and support. She's expressed her belief in Church teachings and her faith in God and His involvement in our lives, but she also made clear that no matter what happens in the future, I'll always be her son. Over the last weekend, my mother was continuously open to and engaged in understanding the experiences and ideas I was sharing. She, along with my father, agreed that there is so much that we don't know and that some of what we think we know for certain is, in reality, only assumed. I can feel how hard my mother is trying to understand what is happening. She is also so very desirous to be involved in the experiences and changes along my path.

It is very clear that I'm fortunate. I don't think that I could have scripted this better than it happened. I'm so grateful that my parents are so open to understanding the changes that I'm going through.

I recently was accepted to graduate school in NYC at Long Island University. I'm headed to AZ in two days for work. I've got an indescribably rare friend and confidant in Hillary. I've got such a wonderful family that is so open to me. I've got good health and great opportunities to bike, run, and swim. I'm free to write my story as each day dawns. Sometimes, I feel quite intimidated with all the stuff that I (and everybody else) face...but, with all these things, how can a person not feel an electric anticipation and excitement for the future - whatever it brings. Yeah?

A Runner's High :)

Sorry, but this post isn't all too deep. I just got back from Washington, D.C. where Hillary and I ran in the National Marathon. I was still suffering from the post-coming out grief and regret. It stayed with me till the morning of the marathon, but when we woke at 4:30 am to take the metro to the start of the race, my jitters were all adrenalin and excitement for the longest run of my life (so far... ;) ). At mile marker 26, I was soooooo euphoric and goofily happy...I really felt like I had taken oxycotton or morphine. Opioids (like heroin) increase your endorphins a lot and your endorphins block pain and give you a feeling of euphoria. Oh, baby, I was on an endorphin HIGH!!! Wow, I loved the race. I passed the 13.1 mile (half-way) at 92 minutes with a pace of 7 mins per mile. My legs started to get really tight at mile 15 and I had to slow down a lot for the last 11 miles. I finished in 3:48. I listened to fun music the whole way while I watched the beautiful scenery of downtown D.C. The sun was out, there was no wind, and the temperature was cool - I couldn't have asked for better conditions. As I came up on the finish line, I felt an urge to sprint for it, but I was wise and refrained from changing anything about my stride. As soon as I crossed the line, my legs locked up for a minute before I was able to go for drinks and food. Wow, it was so funny and FUN!!! On the plane ride home, I sat next to the most incredible mother of two adopted children. We chatted for hours about personality theories and parenting and worldviews. Yep, you could say that it was an incredible weekend. For sure. As a side note, I was invited by my Holladay friends to a weekend in Puerto Rico...but instead, I went to DC for the marathon. Even though I would have loved Puerto Rico, I'm glad I went to DC with Hillary.

P.S. My dad and I are talking more now. He even said that he's excited to come down and see me and talk with me in person. He said that he's eager for it. I'm a lucky person. I better not forget that. :-)

The Reaction

Well, I sent the letter to my parents on Wednesday morning after I called them and asked them if they would be ok with me sending them a "pretty important and impactful letter." My mom wanted me to just tell them what's up over the phone, but I told her that she would have to be patient for the letter and that the letter would explain everything. They said, "yes, send it." So I sent it Wednesday morning and it was guaranteed to arrive Friday afternoon.

Thursday night, like usual, I stayed at my friend's place in Holladay. It's practically where I live these days. I got 2 hours of sleep because I was just too anxious. I went to the grocery store at 2am because it was the only thing open and I sat into one of those automated blood pressure machines and my bp was 143/87! It's usually 90/50. I felt it in every part of me. My capillaries were screaming for me to calm down! ;) Then Friday night, after I hadn't heard anything from my parents, I called my sister to ask her if mom and dad were at home or if they were out of town for the evening. She said that they were at home and that they seemed to be normal...so, I knew they had read the letter...but no call...was that good or bad? I knew I couldn't do anything about it, so I just tried to forget about it-which proved to be absolutely impossible.

That evening, I went to a house party with my Holladay friends (they knew about the letter and the timetable and all). I was soooooooo grateful for these guys. The next morning, they told me about how every little bit, I would kinda go quiet and my eyes would go distant and they knew I was picturing what was going on with my mom and dad...and their possible reactions... These friends didn't just care about what was going on, they cared for me enough to be really perceptive and every time my eyes went distant, someone would come over and talk with me about my worries or anything else. It was sooo incredible that they not only professed their care verbally, but that they were sincere in it enough to pay close attention to me during the night. Even though I tried really hard to stay upbeat and fun, they watched for the times when I was starting to feel really sad and they would come over and make sure that I didn't feel alone through the evening. Thanks to heaven for these friends. Wow. I didn't sleep a wink that night...not at all. I stayed over in Holladay and the friend I shared the bed with stayed up with me the whole night and we talked and laughed like there was no tomorrow. Stories (true or false), jokes, plans, dreams, wishes, regrets, longings, and philosophies. We covered it all. Yep, sooo grateful for dear friends. How can you not be?

Saturday morning, I had the Rex Lee 5k to run at 9am. So, without any sleep the previous night and only two hours the night before, I ran the race. There was frost on the ground even by the finish of the race! Ahhhh, that was cold! I was happy with my time and I had that great endorphin - happy feeling you get after a great competition. My mom had called while I was running the race - her message said that she knew from my sister that I was running...it wished me luck and told me to call her back after I finished. Because I ran hard, I was exhausted when I called her so our conversation was not very long. We talked about the race for a minute or so, then we went quiet...waiting for someone to breach the subject of the letter - of me being gay. She said that her and dad read the letter - that when it was done, they looked at each other and knew that it was true. It wasn't something that they were suspecting, but after reading the letter and remembering things from my childhood and the conversations we had had over the last year, they knew that what I said about myself, my feelings, my nature, and my attractions was the truth. She said that I had to know that they still loved me and that they always would. My mom said that my dad took the confession really hard - we couldn't pretend that I was going to have my family with 10 kids and all that I had wanted. I was coughing from running such a cold race, so my mom told me to go get a warm shower and some rest and to call her later on in the day.

My mom and I are talking daily again and it's not often that we talk about the letter or it's subject matter. I'm really happy about that. She called me on Sunday morning and it was a few minutes before I could understand what she was saying because she was crying so hard. She said that she was sitting in church waiting for the sacrament when she became so emotional that she got up and left church because she just couldn't contain herself. She said that she became so upset when she thought about the journey I've had over the past year and how hard that must have been. We talked about trials and learning and awakenings that challenge long-held beliefs. We talked about unquestioned faith and questioned faith as well as unchallenged faith and challenged faith. After about an hour, we were laughing some and we both felt so much better. Now, our conversations and interaction is normal again...but deeper. I'm grateful for it, very grateful.

I hope someday, I can become the kind of individual that my father is. He's strong, he's focused on integrity and honest conduct, and he greatly values kindness and compassion. My dad and I have spoken once since he read the letter. He called me and asked for some time to process things. My mom told me on Sunday that dad has been taking this really hard. I have only ever seen my dad cry twice - both times he was talking about how much he loved and missed his mother who died of Lupus when he was in Germany on his mission. When mom said that dad was taking this really hard, it made me hurt. I believe that we'll have a quality relationship in spite of this, but I worry that a good quality relationship will have to exist in spite of this - not along with or because of this. Only time will tell. I told my dad that it's taken me a very long time to process this part of my life, a very long time. I told him that I knew that it would take time to understand this news and what it means for us and the future. I said that I was prepared to and committed to be patient and understanding of his need for time. So...I wait. I wait and hope that he isn't hurting. I wait and wish that we didn't have to be in this position. I wait and remember that he's a wise father with an enormous soul - that this isn't his first rodeo, even if it is a bit unique. I know he loves me and that that's why this is so hard for him - that it's why he needs time.

Thank you to my parents for being wise in their reception of this letter. Thank you to my friends here in Provo and SLC for their support and attention over these past couple of weeks. Thank you to our blogging family for your love and support and advice and encouragement. I've said it before and I mean it as sincerely now as ever, I could not do this without dear friends who truly love me and care enough to make themselves known. I've got a marathon in DC this weekend. It'll be so nice to just run and feel love and health and gratitude. I have been blessed, no doubt about it.

Coming Out to My Parents

So, here's the final draft. The additions are in another color. I took a few things out to avoid repetition and make things a little more clear. I'm sending it out tomorrow along with a copy of In Quiet Desperation and a little note with the Matis' number and instructions to read their part and call them if they feel it would be helpful. Thank you all so much for your advice and encouragement. It's been an emotional few days and it's only getting worse...the time to come out has arrived. I'll definately write about how it all goes. Wow, I'm afraid...afraid of the tears and pain and hurt that this is going to involve. I know my parents will always love me, no matter what gets said. I would not be able to do it if i didn't have such incredible and extra-ordinary friends, I just couldn't do it alone. Feel it deeply that if you're reading this, I've felt your support. Thank you.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dear Mom and Dad,

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Hi… So, until recently, I was always absolutely convinced that I would never write this letter or have this talk with you. I’ve told Hillary and my bishop and then there are the people I’ve met in the coming out process, but it’s time to be open with you.

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I need to take a quick moment and explain the reasons that I decided to write a letter instead of talking with you in person or over the phone. First, this is a long letter and it contains a lot of information. You can read it slowly, read it two or three or more times, or take a break if you want. With a conversation, when it’s over, it’s over and there’s nothing tangible that we can go back to for review, clarification, or validation. Second, this gives us opportunity to let the information settle before we react. Reading this letter, and for me writing this letter, we’re able to cry, curse, laugh, or do anything else we need to do. With conversations, it’s face to face. There’s also the possibility that emotions will give way to misunderstandings that create unnecessary concerns or prompt ill-founded comments… – this way, we’re able to let things settle. The last reason is that this is hard. I can look at my computer screen and type the contents of my heart and mind, but I don’t know that I could look into your faces and share it. You know that I love you and that you are my great confidants. I respect your ideas and opinions and I treasure the virtues and values you’ve taught me. I think it’s because of how much I love you and how highly I esteem the things you’ve taught me that I don’t want to do this in person. Do understand though, that I fully expect to talk with you about this over the phone and in person. I just felt that it would be most helpful to breach the surface with a letter…so, here goes.
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As I write this letter and as you read it, we’ve got to agree to do something. Let us speak, remember, and see truly. I have to chuckle for a moment, because there is so much that we’ve moved past and put behind or under us—things that we’d rather not remember; but, for me, in writing this letter and for you, in reading this letter, our minds will frequently (and appropriately) be called to remember some of those things that we’ve all but forgotten. It is necessary for us to be honest and willing to see what has been and what is. I’m gay—what I’m supposed to desire and experience relative to girls, I experience about guys.

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First, I’m going to elaborate on the present situation, and then I’ll tell you about how things have evolved to the present. So. . .gay. Again, what that means is that the things I’m supposed to feel for girls, I only feel it for guys. It’s sad that I’ve got to clarify this, but society’s stereotypes of homosexuals requires elaboration—you guys know that I’m not a pedophile, and I’m not hyper-sexual or confused. I’ve finally come to terms with what I feel, I know what it means; now, the only question is what I’m going to do about it. I’m sure that you feel surprised when I say that I’m not sure what I’ll do about it.

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The obvious and easy answer is to fix it and move on to marriage and a family—that’s the purpose of this life; so, God will help us to achieve it, right? Well, that’s not the case. Please understand that I’ve put that belief to the test for the last 15 or so years—as long as I’ve been aware of experiencing this. Pre-mission, on the mission, at the MTC, at ANASAZI. . .I’ve tried pleading, deals, compromising, threatening, patience and every other possibility. Homosexuality is not heal-able.

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It’s not a sickness. The church has altered its position regarding "changing" homosexuals. Decades ago, Spencer Kimball wrote: "Certainly it can be overcome, for there are numerous happy people who were once involved in its clutches and who have since completely transformed their lives. Therefore to those who say that this practice or any other evil is incurable, I respond: ‘How can you say the door cannot be opened until your knuckles are bloody, till your head is bruised, till your muscles are sore?’ It can be done." In the present day, the church acknowledges that homosexuals "may not be free of this challenge in this life" and that marriage should not be seen as a means of treating or changing someone (from the Church pamphlet God Loveth His Children). All I want to say with this is that I don’t loathe myself for feeling this way anymore, I’m not trying to hide it anymore, and I’m not trying to change myself anymore—through faith in God or therapy or any other means.

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I’d like to tell you about the way things are for me now-a-days. So, here it is:
- I believe that our prophets and apostles are called of God in the very way and for the very purpose that we have always believed—namely that they are His authorized and appointed leaders for His children.
- I believe that we, as a church in general, assume too much. I think that God has given us a skeleton of knowledge and we’ve added flesh to it. I don’t blame anybody, but I think that’s what we’ve done with all our time and pondering and philosophizing.
- I believe that we don’t know for certain how God feels about homosexuality. It’s clear that even our prophets don’t know God’s final feelings on the subject. From the changes in the church’s official position over the last 50 years, we can easily divine that God is revealing to His prophets only as much on the subject as His children are willing to accept—kind of like African Americans and the priesthood.
- I also know that I love the church and the values it’s instilled in me. More than anything, I value the great awakenings that I’ve received under the tutelage of the church. God exists and He loves us. Christ’s offering of Himself provides opportunity for us, as long as we’re willing, to prepare ourselves for an existence with him and others that we love. And as long as I am willing, I can be close to and in contact with God, thereby providing a means with which He can guide me in the walkings of this life.
- Last, I know that I experience something about guys that I can’t experience about girls. I tried; I’ve been marriage serious with two amazing women. I never kissed them; as a matter of fact, I haven’t kissed a girl since Jasper kissed me when I was 15. That’s the only girl kiss I’ve had. I want to marry a girl. I wish I was straight. Wow, things’d be easier. . .but, that thinking has sent me into serious depression too many times. I won’t do it anymore. I tried reparative therapy for 5 months last year and I won’t ever try to change myself again. I can’t. It’s something I cannot do.

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What’ll I do then? … I don’t know. I love you. I am the same person I’ve always been—I haven’t changed at all. I love the church and the standards of morality it teaches. And I will not strip myself of integrity or morals by being a lustful or promiscuous person.

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I started a journal last year when I finally faced this and quit denying that it was there. Following are excerpts from that journal. You can see the changes I’ve gone through. The overall pattern of change goes from:
- enthusiasm for changing quickly and moving on with life as a fixed man to

- depression from failing to change to

- depression for sinning to

- depression from feeling completely helpless to

- accepting that I am who I am and there are some things I can’t change to

- finally being happy with who I am and deciding that I’ll be happy with whatever I end up doing because it’ll be me who chooses it and I won’t choose anything that is less than wonderful.
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Here are a few excerpts:

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April 16, 2008

The last two weeks have been really different, pretty difficult, and absolutely terrifying. . .I’m trying to figure it out. I was invited by a few close friends to come to a meeting that was held for people dealing with same gender attraction (SGA). I went, telling my friends that I was there to support others and that I was really interested in the issue; all the while, thinking that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to be there because I might end up facing my own long hidden SGA issue. And face it, I did—for the first time ever. It’s terrifying!
Long ago, on the mission, I made a promise to the Lord that the testimonial experiences that He had given me would never be discarded. That I would always know what He had given me to know: that He loves me and is always ready to take me in and comfort and heal me; that He is in control and as long as I keep my choices true to what I know He wants me to do, I am where he foresaw me to be and therefore safe in his hands; and that repentance is the way to become right again and is a gift given by Christ to all who will use it. I will forever keep that promise. I’ve come to accept that some challenges will never go away, but I have a real hope that the Lord sees the end of our mortal journeys and will lead us to the best exit. So, this journal will chronicle a new beginning in life, and the places it leads me.
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April 19, 2008

I surpassed the nerves and worries and started talking with a couple of guys over the phone and on Facebook chat and eventually decided to do lunch with couple of them. Just try to imagine the meeting. I totally wasn’t sure what kind of discussion they were thinking of and the same visa versa. There were definitely a few um’s and silences at first, but then, we started talking pretty freely. Some of it was about our shared problem and some of it was about anything. It felt pretty good to be talking for real and not hiding anything.
Now, I know this sounds quite random and, knowing that the three of us who met up have the same sga issue, kind of gay. Well. . .random it was, but gay it wasn’t. You’ve gotta know this. The main reason that I wanted to meet up with these guys is because they’ve been traveling this road of dealing with sga longer than me and they had both, via email, mentioned that their real goal was to have a real family of their own and be good, faithful husbands and fathers. I, too, have no greater desire. Instead of this being some homo-indulging fun time, we really felt safe knowing that we shared this common ailment and common goal. Safe is a very great way to feel, especially when it is so rare.

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May 3, 2008

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote. And quite a lot has happened. With regard to "coming out" (it feels odd using that term) I wasn’t even entertaining the possibility of it, but because of my new friends who are helping me, I came to the feeling that it would be good to talk to my two closest friends about it. Both are girls I dated and I truly loved them both-and still do. I also talked with my bishop about it and tried to talk with my little sister (we’re really close) but that didn’t go quite how I was hoping—she didn’t believe me. . .haha. I guess, that’ll just mean that I’m keeping it to the two close friends that I’ve told and be happy with that. Kind of a count your blessings thing. So, now, three people know. All in all, coming out was so good. I think it does two things. It helps you to understand that you’re not as bad of a person as you came to believe, and it allows you to honor your true friendships in that you include your friends and allow their help and love and support to lift you from being so far down. Hopefully, you find out that they still love you and think well of you in spite of this thing.

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June 14, 2008
Hmmm. It’s been too long. Since I last wrote, I’ve messed up some. Boy, I’m really sorry for that. I’m at the point now to where I don’t know if I should just throw up my hands with this or whether I should keep fighting. “Throw up my hands” doesn’t mean “embrace homosexuality.” It just means “drop the issue and try to live life aside of it.” I know it won’t go away, but I don’t think it’ll do any good to turn a lot of attention to achieving progress—especially when I don’t even know what kind of progress to achieve. By throwing up my hands, the pathway I’m living life on will no longer be measured by success or failure in being gay or straight. I’m not sure whether this is a bad case of give-it-up-itis or whether it’s smart…or both. Whatever it is, I’m doing it.
I just don’t know. Maybe we’re not supposed to fix every broken thing in life. Maybe, we’re supposed to do the most possible good with what we have. Maybe, these broken things are the very same things that will enable us to achieve greater levels of service that would otherwise be impossible. Maybe, we’re not all supposed to have the “traditional” life here. . .or maybe it’ll just happen a little later on. And along with that, what can we hope to become without learning to deny or control our passions…ourselves? Maybe, we should just do what we can, find happiness where it is now, and hope (sometimes blindly) that the rest will work out according to some/the divine plan…
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June 28, 2008

Things have been kind of confusing lately. Someday, I’ll have a family. God asks us to remember the things that He’s taught us—to remember them in such a way that we can make decisions based on those teachings even if we aren’t filled with a burning belief in them at the time that the decision needs to be made. If once, long ago, we learned, undeniably, that in spite of our wrongs, God was willing to guide us out of our dangerous corners to light, happiness, and destined callings, then we can rest assured that the same is the case now. . .and forever. For a bit of humor and irony, a quote from The Boondock Saints fits to end this entry: "The question is not how far. The question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far as is needed?"

Sometimes, I don’t think I posses it; sometimes, I think otherwise; and then again, sometimes, I just don’t think about it cause it feels better not to. Sometimes, I don’t think I can do what I know I should. . .or more truthfully said, sometimes, I don’t do what I know Heavenly Father would help me to do because I lack the heart to continue to try. . .that is, if I’m being totally honest. But, sometimes, I remember what I’ve experienced and the awakenings and testimonies that God has shared to me. . .and I make choices based on what I know I once knew. . .and I do better.
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June 29, 2008

It’d be so nice if they knew; but then again, would it? I did a little imagining of what it would be like if my family knew. . .. . .. . .It was horrible. I was really starting to consider telling my parents and maybe some others. . . but no, not after tonight’s imagination exercise. I hate feeling like I’m falling away from my family. Maybe I can fix this distance problem without disclosing anything. Our relationship has been excellent in the past. Maybe we can get that back. It just seems that now, the hardest issue I’ve ever known—the one that kicks my butt; the one that’s been the source of the greatest fear, shame, and uncertainty of my life; the one that I need help most in—I have to hide. . .
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July 25, 2008

I took a really well-placed vacation. Three weeks—one on the bike in Montana with my family and two in Alaska with very dear friends. I decided that it would be a complete hiatus from all the things that were on the table in my mind. It proved to be a little more difficult to clear that table than I had expected, but I did it. Now that I’m nearing the end of the trip, I’m allowing stuff back onto my mind’s table one issue by one.
Here they are: 1. I am still ashamed and sick for experiencing same gender attraction. When I talk with anybody about this, I feel so gay. I would never want anybody to feel offended that I associate so many negative feelings with that term, but I can’t call myself gay and not be very offset and upset. 2. I was on a walk tonight and I realized that I feel like I went too far in coming out to myself. I’ve been allowing myself to say that I’m gay. I don’t think that I’m going to say that anymore. I’m going to stop it at saying that I experience strong same-gender attraction (sga) and that it’s really an obstacle for me. 3. Should I fix things or change or correct these attractions before I try to move forward, or should I just move forward? If I try to do the former, then I feel like I’m not making any progress and I’m starting t get stagnant; and like stagnant water, I begin rotting. If I do the latter, then am I setting myself up for disaster down the road for not fixing the problem or am I just saying "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down!"?
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September 18, 2008

Every time I had ever changed stations in life or moved it was because of the same feeling inside me that was so clear in directing where to go and what I was to do there. As long as I followed it, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to be doing. When I left Arizona, I knew where I was supposed to go—UT, and I knew what I was supposed to do—go to school, but I had no idea why.
For two years in AZ, I had been engaged in as good a cause and effective a cause as that when I was a missionary. Why was I supposed to move back to UT where I had previously crashed in stress, anxiety, and trouble? Well, in April of this year, I went to my first Matis meeting (a supportive kind of evening for gay or lesbian LDS members). I finally started to deal with my homosexual feelings. All the sudden, I knew that this was the reason I was supposed to move to UT. I had to deal with it.
Now, after all the events of the last five months, I’m asking, "What was God thinking?" I’m so lost and wandering. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m going to finish psychology, get my license, and help young people; but, aside from those outward things, I have no idea where I am or where I’m going or how to have the heart and ability to do what I feel I’m supposed to. . . I feel completely empty, pointless, and lifeless. Why?
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September 29, 2008
I remember when I was working with others that were experiencing trials and challenges, I would say to them that they needed to focus on things that they both wanted to change and could change. Worrying about anything else was not only futile and wasteful, but harmful and destructive. Well, it’s plain to see that I need someone to share that very principle with me. I’ve been concerning myself so strongly with changing things that I can’t change that I haven’t even had safe control over things I could influence or change for the better. After thinking about the good fortune I experience in life, I thought about some of my most cherished memories, including touring the museums in Washington, DC, with Hill. In one museum of art, there were tons of quotes on the walls accompanying masterful paintings. One of the quotes was from Carl Schurz: "Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the ocean desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them, you reach your destiny." I think I’ve been following my feet—or at least looking down all the time while saying that I’m trying to follow the stars. Yeah, doesn’t work.
I think he means that we’ve got to stay focused on the things that we do want and can accomplish and not let ourselves be distracted or turned from our path by other seemingly valid concerns—concerns that we might be able to affect, but that would prove to be less important than the grand plans and ideals that we chase and could otherwise be accomplishing if we would but stay focused. So, I’ll spend the next while working on understanding how best to stay focused on the stars and be guided by ideals. Of course, it’ll be a process; but perhaps, it’ll be the reminder that I need to recall to me the way of being I once had—the one that brings joy and fullness to work and relationships, and love and life.

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October 13, 2008

April will be the one year mark from when I admitted to SGA. I have nightmares sometimes that my family finds me out. It’s going to happen someday. I don’t have a partner and I don’t ever plan to, but being single for too long is just about as much of a give-away. At any rate, the other questions and evidences will eventually give me up. But, I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, no?
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October 23, 2008

Something dawned on me the other day. I need a different purpose in life—a new something for my mortal existence to culminate in. I mean, shoot, there is no other right life aside from the track of baptism, priesthood, mission, married, and children. That’s the purpose of life! or was. . . Well, I thought about it for a while, and I decided it was OK if my life’s culminating purpose—the thing that I could say was my mark for having lived—was my work with adolescents and their families. I hope that doesn’t sound a mediocre answer, cause in no way do I hope to have only a mediocre impact on a mediocre number of individuals. I thought, "If I don’t have a family, then all the time that would have gone to them can now go to my work. The people I work with can be my family and expanding and building that business bigger and bigger so as to increase our capacity to help more and more families could be my life and the thing that I invest my heart into."
My question to the critic would only be: "What else am I going to do with it?" I see that this is quite idealistic, but "ideals are like stars," right? I mean, I’m not foolish enough to believe that things will turn out just like I see them in my detailed daydreams; but, that’s not to say that they can’t actually turn out to be better than the dreams. The biggest reason for failing, I think, is because people fail to dream and then believe in themselves. And again, I can see that this is a stretch, but it’s what I’ll shoot for. So, something good is that I might have found a new purpose in life.
However, I am still afraid of the future. . .of me in the future. I’m afraid that I’ll become someone that I’ll regret, or that I’ll regret living alone, or that I’ll regret marrying, or that I’ll regret something I didn’t want to write. I know what I want, I know what is true, and I know where I should be. . .but knowing all those things has never precluded me from making grave mistakes. It always comes down to that moment when you face the decision. I think it’s that moment that I’m afraid of. No matter what I want or know or see for a hundred days in a row, that moment is decided by what I am able to see then and there. I’m afraid because I don’t have a good track record. I’m a wild card, even to me. I feel like a coward by saying all this, or like a person that plans to fail, or like a premature quitter. But I’d be a liar if I was to say that I know what will happen or that I know I’ll be where I’m supposed to be in 2, 5, or 10 years.
Don’t misunderstand, I don’t question my testimony; I don’t question my love for God and Christ; I don’t question prophets, revelation, leadership, or the power of faith. I question that moment and me in it. I’ve just learned from so many other experiences. . .that no matter how I feel now, I can’t tell you for sure what will happen at that moment. I’m afraid of not being where I should be some day down the road when I stop and take a look around and then look at myself. Well, with all the above drama, let me just say that I’m not in a crisis. I love my friends, I love my family, I like my work, and I really don’t like my classes. So, I guess I’m normal, right?. . . maybe I am.

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February 9, 2009

I turned 26 today. My first thought this morning was that I should have accomplished more by now than I have. I’m still working on my undergrad and I’ve not really done anything of great or lasting consequence. I promise I’ve stayed really busy and I’ve tried to leave a good mark everywhere I go. On the other hand, I do take great comfort in what I have inter-personally—in who my friends are. Hillary said that she thought that the quality of my friends was a reflection of me. I half agree—I think it’s as much good fortune/God’s blessing that my friends are so incredible, uncommon, and heart-filled as it is a reflection on me. I’m unarguably a very fortunate person.
Yoga, running, basketball, volleyball, lifting, classes, work, and church. That’s me—week in and week out. I’m loving it so much. For the most part, I’ve really been on cloud nine for January and the start of February (November and December were darker and more horrific that I believed possible). There are a few things that slow me down here and there, but not for long. All my grad school apps are in and I’m waiting anxiously for a word. It could drive me nuts, but I’m staying busy enough to get by. I kind of feel like I’m in limbo—waiting for the transition period to wherever I go to school. I start to make plans for this or that, but then I remember that it’s all contingent on what happens with grad school. So, yeah, it is driving me nuts.
I don’t have a boyfriend and it’s been that way since the end of December. That’s good. I don’t have a girlfriend either. ;) I suppose that’s good as well. I am still unsure of what will happen. Fortunately, the unsurity isn’t for the same reasons as before (see the latter half of October 23rd’s entry). It’s because I want two opposite things so strongly and yet equally. I have friends who decided to be in relationships and I feel so happy for them and I think they’re such incredibly great and golden people—but how would I feel about me if I found that kind of happiness? I want that so badly. . . A fulfilling relationship—like what happily married people experience. . .I want that. Or, what if I married the woman I love? Right now, there isn’t a soul, man or woman, I am happier to be with or love more than Hillary. Really, that’s the bare and full truth. But, I know that can’t happen. It’s unhealthy, inappropriate, selfish or otherwise purely wrong for gay people to try to force a marital relationship—that’s how they end in heartache for entire families.
Otherwise and for the most part, I’m really doing great. I feel like I’m walking in an open meadow and I’m so so grateful and peaceful. There have been a couple hiccups here and there but all really is well. I feel so full of love for everyone I spend time with and for all that I correspond with. My heart feels full because of thoughts of my friends who have offered support to me in times of deep confusion or despair. There’s a good way to put a smile on my face. . .
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That’s a lot of journal entries, no? I put them there so you could understand what’s happened over the last year. Mom, you said that I’ve really changed over the last year. Yeah, I have. I wish with every part of myself that I hadn’t. I wish even more that I was normal. I’d be married happily and probably with children. . .you’d be grandparents! But, like I said above, I’m not going to do that anymore—I’m not going to wish like that anymore.

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I’m sure that this leaves tons of questions unanswered. When you are ready to ask them, I’m here.

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Please think hard if you feel to guide me to work on change. I believe we’d find ourselves at an impasse. It’s taken me a full year of pain, hurt, friendships, guidance, struggling, mistakes, and wandering to bring me to where I’m at—to a feeling of acceptance and readiness to move on with a different life than I had forever anticipated and expected.
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I know that I need to be patient and I promise to be very patient for us. It definitely takes time to wrap your mind around it. But, do feel assured that things are ok and that they’re going to remain that way. I’m healthy, most often happy, and prepared to move forward with a very productive life.

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What am I lacking? Everyone has challenges and mysteries to solve. . .of course I’m not going to be an exception to that. The future? Well, we can’t write it now, so let’s cross those bridges when we come to them. Let’s take this slowly. Anna is getting married in the temple and that is reason enough to be incredibly happy. Let’s see this as a side story to Anna’s marriage. Really, that’s where it belongs.

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Please don’t tell any extended family. If you want the girls to know, please let me tell them. If you want to keep this between us three for now, that’s ok too. I love you guys. I’m me, the same one you’ve always known. When you go to sleep tonight, remember that I love you and we’re really fortunate to have each other. I love you.
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At the close of this letter, I would like to say one thing. If after reading this, you feel concerns that I’m going to do something or say something that you would have previously considered inconsistent with me and my character, understand that I have not changed and that I am exactly the same person you knew yesterday. I’ve not been pretending or faking my personality. I’m still me. I love riding, running, sports, shooting, hunting, cars, mud, travel, psychology, you, Sari, Celia, Anna, Allie, and Tux. That’s all unchangeable. I love you guys. Don’t let this bring you down much. We’re not unstable, in crisis or in need of immediate action. Take your time, forget about it and go to a movie if it’d help. In the words of the great purple dinosaur that Anna brought us all to hate, “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family.”

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Really mom and dad, the reason for this letter is that I now understand that this is not going away and it’s not right for me to do this alone. Just like the whole cancer scare, I try to keep this un-fun stuff to myself, but that’s not ok. I love you sooo much and I’m so fortunate and blessed to have you. I’m healthy, you’re healthy. I’m safe and you’re safe. Call me whenever you’d like, ask whatever you’d like. Call Hillary if you feel it. I love you.

Sincerely,
Your son,



Roberto

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P.S. First, it’s not your fault. I don’t think you’ll blame yourselves, but if you try, understand that there is nowhere to point the blame. Things are ok. Second, I will always stay in the Church. I love the Church and what it stands for and how it helps me. Rest assured, I love God and I’m forever grateful for the Church and for the way you two have stuck with and raised me. You could have handed me over to the juvi system and I’ll never forget that you kept me.

I'm going to come out. Ideas?

So, I've been working on a letter to my parents. I don't know if I'm actually going to send it. Here it is. It's really long. I'm thinking of sending them this letter and a copy of the first part of In Quiet Desperation - the Matis' part of the book. I might see them in early April, and I think it'd be nice to tell them soon and then they'll have a few weeks to let things settle before we see each other. I'm posting this because I really need anything that you can share...and because something this significant just has to be part of my little online journal. I'm so frazzled right now because of the anxiety and anticipation...it's like when you're cliff jumping - the anticipation is worse than the jump! Wow, I'm sure my blood pressure has been elevate 20 mmHg for the last week. I really feel it.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Hi. So, until recently, I was always absolutely convinced that I would never write this letter or have this talk with you. I've told Hillary and my bishop and then there's the people I've met in the coming out process, but it's time to be honest with you. As I write this letter and as you read it, we've got to agree to do something. Let us speak, remember, and see truly. I have to chuckle for a moment, because there is so much that we've moved past and put behind or under us - things that we'd rather not remember; but, for me, in writing this letter and for you, in reading this letter, our minds will frequently and appropriately be called to remember some of those things that we've all but forgotten. It is necessary for us to be honest and willing to see what has been and what is. I'm gay - what I'm supposed to desire and experience relative to girls, I experience about guys.

First, I'm going to elaborate on the present situation, and then I'll tell you about how things have evolved to the present. So...gay. Again, what that means is that the things I'm supposed to feel for girls, I only feel it for guys. It's sad that I've got to clarify this, but society's stereotypes of homosexuals requires elaboration - You guys know that I'm not a pedophile, and I'm not hyper-sexual or confused. I've finally come to terms with what I feel, I know what it means, the only question is what I'm going to do about it. I'm sure that you feel surprised when I say that I'm not sure what I'll do about it. The obvious and easy answer is to fix it and move on to marriage and a family - that's the purpose of this life; so, God will help us to achieve that, right? Well, that's not the case. Please understand that I've put that belief to the test for the last 15 or so years - as long as I've been aware of experiencing this. Pre-mission, on the mission, at the MTC, at ANASAZI...I've tried pleading, deals, compromising, threatening, patience and every other possibility. Homosexuality is not heal-able. It's not a sickness. The church has altered it's position regarding "changing" the homosexuals. Decades ago, Spencer Kimball wrote: "Certainly it can be overcome, for there are numerous happy people who were once involved in its clutches and who have since completely transformed their lives. Therefore to those who say that this practice or any other evil is incurable, I respond: 'How can you say the door cannot be opened until your knuckles are bloody, till your head is bruised, till your muscles are sore?' It can be done." In the present day, the church acknowledges that homosexuals "may not be free of this challenge in this life" and that marriage should not be seen as a means of treating or changing someone. All I want to say with this is that I don't loath myself for feeling this way anymore, I'm not trying to hide it anymore, and I'm not trying to change myself anymore - through faith in God or therapy or any other means. I'd like to tell you about the way things are for me now-a days. So, here it is:
- I believe that our prophets and apostles are called of God in the very way and for the very purpose that we have always believed - namely that they are His authorized and appointed leaders for His children.
- I believe that we, as a church in general, assume too much. I think that God has given us a skeleton of knowledge and we've added flesh to it. I don't blame anybody, but I think that's what we've done with all our time and pondering and philosophizing.
- I believe that we don't know for certain how God feels about homosexuals. It's clear that even our prophets don't know God's final feelings on the subject. From the changes in the church's official position over the last 50 years, we can easily divine that God is revealing to His prophets only as much on the subject as His children are willing to accept - kinda like African Americans and the priesthood.
- I also know that I love the church and the values it's instilled in me. More than anything, I value the great awakenings that I've received under the tutelage of the church. God exists and He loves us. Christ's offering of Himself provides opportunity for us, as long as we're willing, to prepare ourselves for an existence with him and others that we love. And as long as I am willing, I can be close to and in contact with God, thereby providing a means with which He can guide me in the walkings of this life.
- Last, I know that I love guys like I can't love girls. I tried, I've been marriage serious with two amazing women. I never kissed them, as a matter of fact, I haven't kissed a girl since Jasper kissed me when I was 15. That's the only girl kiss I've had. I want to marry a girl. I wish I was straight. Wow, things'd be easier...but, that thinking has sent me into serious depression too many times. I won't do it any more. I tried reparative therapy for 5 months last year and I won't ever try to change myself again. I can't. It's something I can not do.

What'll I do then? I don't know. I love you. I am the same person I've always been - I haven't changed at all. I love the church and the standards of morality it teaches (homosexuality excepted). And I will not strip myself of integrity or morals by being a lustful or promiscuous person.

I started a journal last year when I finally faced this and quit denying that it was there. Following are excerpts from this journal. You can see the changes I've gone through. The overall pattern of change goes from:
- an attitude of enthusiasm for changing quickly and moving on with life as a fixed man to
- depression from failing to change to
- depression for sinning to
- depression from feeling completely helpless to
- finally accepting that I am who I am and there are some things I can't change to
- finally being happy with who I am and deciding that I'll be happy with whatever I end up doing because it'll be me who chooses it and I won't choose anything that is less than wonderful.

Here are a few excerpts:

April 16, 2008
The last two weeks have been really different, pretty difficult, and absolutely terrifying...I'm trying to figure it out. I was invited by a few close friends to come to a meeting that was held for people dealing with same gender attraction (SGA). I went, telling my friends that I was there to support others and that I was really interested in the issue; all the while, thinking that maybe it wasn't a good idea to be there cause I might end up facing my own long hidden SGA issue. And face it, I did - for the first time ever. It's terrifying! Long ago, on the mission, I made a promise to the Lord that the testimonial experiences that He had given me would never be discarded. That I would always know what He had given me to know: that He loves me and is always ready to take me in and comfort and heal me; that He is in control and as long as I keep my choices true to what I know He wants me to do, I am where he foresaw me to be and therefore safe in his hands; and that repentance is the way to become right again and is a gift given by Christ to all who will use it. I will forever keep that promise. I've come to accept that some challenges will never go away, but I have a real hope that the Lord sees the end of our mortal journeys and will lead us to the best exit. So, this journal will chronicle a new beginning in life, and the places it leads me.

April 19, 2008
I surpassed the nerves and worries and started talking with a couple of guys over the phone and on facebook chat and eventually decided to do lunch with couple of them. Just try to imagine the meeting. I totally wasn't sure what kind of discussion they were thinking of and the same visa versa. There were definitely a few um's and silences at first, but then, we started talking pretty freely. Some of it was about our shared problem and some of it was about anything. It felt pretty good to be talking for real and not hiding anything. Now, I know this sounds quite random and, knowing that the three of us who met up have the same sga issue, kind of gay. Well...random it was, but gay it wasn't. You've gotta know this. The main reason that I wanted to meet up with these guys is cause they've been traveling this road of dealing with sga longer than me and they had both, via email, mentioned that their real goal was to have a real family of their own and be good, faithful husbands and fathers. I, too, HAVE NO GREATER DESIRE. Instead of this being some homo-indulging fun time, we really felt safe knowing that we shared this common ailment and common goal. Safe is a very great way to feel, especially when it is so rare.

May 3, 2008
It's been a few weeks since I last wrote. And quite a lot has happened. With regard to "coming out" (it feels odd using that term) I wasn't even entertaining the possibility of it, but because of my new friends who are helping me, I came to the feeling that it would be good to talk to my two closest friends about it. Both are girls I dated and I truly loved them both-and still do. I also talked with my bishop about it and tried to talk with my little sister (we're really close) but that didn't go quite how I was hoping - she didn't believe me...haha. I guess, that'll just mean that I'm keeping it to the two close friends that I've told and be happy with that. Kind of a count your blessings thing. So, now, three people know. All in all, coming out was so good. I think it does two things. It helps you to understand that you're not as bad of a person as you came to believe, and it allows you to honor your true friendships in that you include your friends and allow their help and love and support to lift you from being so far down. Hopefully, you find out that they still love you and think well of you in spite of this thing.

June 14, 2008
Hmmm. It’s been too long. Since I last wrote, I’ve messed up some. Boy, I’m really sorry for that. I’m at the point now to where I don’t know if I should just throw up my hands with this or whether I should keep fighting. “Throw up my hands” doesn’t mean “embrace homosexuality.” It just means “drop the issue and try to live life aside of it.” I know it won’t go away, but I don’t think it’ll do any good to turn a lot of attention to achieving progress—especially when I don’t even know what kind of progress to achieve. By throwing up my hands, the pathway I’m living life on will no longer be measured by success or failure in being gay or straight. I’m not sure whether this is a bad case of give-it-up-itis or whether it’s smart…or both. Whatever it is, I’m doing it. I just don't know. Maybe we’re not supposed to fix every broken thing in life. Maybe, we’re supposed to do the most possible good with what we have. Maybe, these broken things are the very same things that will enable us to achieve greater levels of service that would otherwise be impossible. Maybe, we’re not all supposed to have the “traditional” life here...or maybe it’ll just happen a little later on. And along with that, what can we hope to become without learning to deny or control our passions…ourselves? Please don’t think of me as trying to preach. The only person I’m trying to teach here is myself. Otherwise, I’d be bordering hypocrisy. Maybe, we should just do what we can, find happiness where it is now, and hope (sometimes blindly) that the rest will work out according to some/the divine plan…

June 28, 2008
Things have been kinda confusing lately. Someday, I'll have a family. God asks us to remember the things that He's taught us - to remember them in such a way that we can make decisions based on those teachings even if we aren't filled with a burning belief in them a the time that the decision needs to be made. If once, long ago, we learned, undeniably, that in spite of our wrongs, God was willing to guide us out of our dangerous corners to light, happiness, and destined callings, then we can rest assured that the same is the case now...and forever. For a bit of humor and irony, a quote from The Boondock Saints fits to end this entry: "The question is not how far. The question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far as is needed?" Sometimes, I don't think I posses it; sometimes, I think otherwise; and then again, sometimes, I just don't think about it cause it feels better not to. Sometimes, I don't think I can do what I know I should...or more truthfully said, sometimes, I don't do what I know Heavenly Father would help me to do because I lack the heart to continue to try...that is, if I'm being totally honest. But, sometimes, I remember what I've experienced and the awakenings and testimonies that God has shared to me...and I make choices based on what I know I once knew...and I do better.

June 29, 2008
It'd be so nice if they knew; but then again, would it? I did a little imagining of what it would be like if my family knew.........It was horrible. I was really starting to consider telling my parents and maybe some others... No, not after tonight's imagination exercise. I hate feeling like I'm falling away from my family. Maybe I can fix this distance problem without disclosing anything. Our relationship has been excellent in the past. Maybe we can get that back. It just seems that now, the hardest issue I've ever known - the one that kicks my butt; the one that's been the source of the greatest fear, shame, and uncertainty of my life; the one that I need help most in - I have to hide...

July 25, 2008
I took a really well-placed vacation. Three weeks - one on the bike in Montana with my family and two in Alaska with very dear friends. I decided that it would be a complete hiatus from all the things that were on the table in my mind. It proved to be a little more difficult to clear that table than I had expected, but I did it. Now that I'm nearing the end of the trip, I'm allowing stuff back onto my mind's table one issue by one. Here they are: 1. I am still ashamed and sick for experiencing same gender attraction. When I talk with anybody about this, I feel so gay. I would never want anybody to feel offended that I associate so many negative feelings with that term, but I can't call myself gay and not be very offset and upset. 2. I was on a walk tonight and I realized that I feel like I went too far in coming out to myself. I've been allowing myself to say that I'm gay. I don't think that I'm going to say that anymore. I'm going to stop it at saying that I experience strong same-gender attraction - sga - and that it's really an obstacle for me. 3. Should I fix things or change or correct these attractions before I try to move forward, or should I just move forward? If I try to do the former, then I feel like I'm not making any progress and I'm starting t get stagnant; and like stagnant water, I begin rotting. If I do the latter, then am I setting myself up for disaster down the road for not fixing the problem or am I just saying "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down!"?

September 18, 2008
Every time I had ever changed stations in life or moved, it was because of the same feeling inside me that was so clear in directing where to go and what I was to do there. As long as I followed it, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to be doing. When I left Arizona, I knew where I was supposed to go - UT, and I knew what I was supposed to do - go to school, but I had no idea why. For two years in AZ, I had been engaged in as good a cause and effective a cause as that when I was a missionary. Why was I supposed to move back to UT where I had previously crashed in stress, anxiety, and trouble? Well, in April of this year, I went to my first Matis meeting (a supportive kind of evening for gay or lesbian LDS members). I finally started to deal with my homosexual feelings. All the sudden, I knew that this was the reason I was supposed to move to UT. I had to deal with it. Now, after all the events of the last five months, I'm asking, "What was God thinking?" I'm so lost and wandering. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to finish psychology, get my license, and help young people; but, aside from those outward things, I have no idea where I am or where I'm going or how to have the heart and ability to do what I feel I'm supposed to... I feel completely empty, pointless, and lifeless. Why?

September 29, 2008
Today, I was thinking about the things that I have that I can be happy about. Dang, there's a lot. I've got some of the best friends, roommates, cousins, sisters and parents that a person could imagine. So what if I'm gay and can't seem to change it. I remember when I was working with others that were experiencing trials and challenges, I would say to them that they needed to focus on things that they both wanted to change and could change. Worrying about anything else was not only futile and wasteful, but harmful and destructive. Well, it's plain to see that I need someone to share that very principle with me. I've been concerning myself so strongly with changing things that I can't change that I haven't even had safe control over things I could influence or change for the better.
After thinking about the good fortune I experience in life, I thought about some of my most cherished memories, including touring the museums in Washington, DC, with Hill(ary). In one museum of art, there were tons of quotes on the walls accompanying masterful paintings. One of the quotes was from Carl Schurz: "Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the ocean desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them, you reach your destiny." I think I've been following my feet - or at least looking down all the time while saying that I'm trying to follow the stars. Yeah, doesn't work. I think he means that we've got to stay focused on the things that we do want and can accomplish and not let ourselves be distracted or turned from our path by other seemingly valid concerns - concerns that we might be able to affect, but that would prove to be less important than the grand plans and ideals that we chase and could otherwise be accomplishing if we would but stay focused. So, I'll spend the next while working on understanding how best to stay focused on the stars and be guided by ideals. Of course, it'll be a process; but perhaps, it'll be the reminder that I need to recall to me the way of being I once had - the one that brings joy and fullness to work and relationships, and love and life.
Ok, I know that sounds kinda corny, but I really mean it. There is a way of being, a song that your heart can sing, a presence that you can develop; whatever you call it, when you are this way, the people and places and events in life are all good and right and when you're not this way, everything is wrong and poor. They didn't change, you did. This way of being only ever results from or is the sum consequence of the fine choices that you make every day inside yourself that nobody knows about. I say this to myself, because I forget it too easily. The way that you are inside - your way of being - is not something that you get to choose directly; rather, it is a sum of the choices you make in your thoughts and heart throughout the days. This presence of yours is ever-changing, formed by who you are in the places where nobody but you and God can see. I feel ashamed for being who I've been this last little while...kicking against the pricks. So...change doesn't happen in an instant. It requires time and effort. I've already started towards it; now, I need to continue and soon, I'll start to see as I was able to see some time ago. There'll be more light, more purpose, and more why's to wake up every day and follow the ideals that guide.

October 13, 2008
April will be the one year mark from when I admitted to SGA. I have nightmares sometimes that my family finds me out. It's going to happen some day. I don't have a partner and I don't ever plan to, but being single for too long is just about as much of a give-away. At any rate, the other questions and evidences will eventually give me up. But, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, no?

October 23, 2008
Something dawned on me the other day. I need a different purpose in life - a new something for my mortal existence to culminate in. I mean, shoot, there is no other right life aside from the track of baptism, priesthood, mission, married, and children. That's the purpose of life! or was... Well, I thought about it for a while, and I decided it was OK if my life's culminating purpose - the thing that I could say was my mark for having lived - was my work with adolescents and their families. I hope that doesn't sound a mediocre answer, cause in no way do I hope to have only a mediocre impact on a mediocre number of individuals. I thought, "If I don't have a family, then all the time that would have gone to them can now go to my work. The people I work with can be my family and expanding and building that business bigger and bigger so as to increase our capacity to help more and more families could be my life and the thing that I invest my heart into." My question to the critic would only be: "What else am I going to do with it?" I see that this is quite idealistic, but "ideals are like stars," right? I mean, I'm not foolish enough to believe that things will turn out just like I see them in my detailed daydreams; but, that's not to say that they can't actually turn out to be better than the dreams. The biggest reason for failing, I think, is cause people fail to dream and then believe in themselves. And again, I can see that this is a stretch, but it's what I'll shoot for. So, something good is that I might have found a new purpose in life.
However, I am still afraid of the future...of me in the future. I'm afraid that I'll become someone that I'll regret, or that I'll regret living alone, or that I'll regret marrying, or that I'll regret something I didn't want to write. I know what I want, I know what is true, and I know where I should be...but knowing all those things has never precluded me from making grave mistakes. It always comes down to that moment when you face the decision. I think it's that moment that I'm afraid of. No matter what I want or know or see for a hundred days in a row, that moment is decided by what I am able to see then and there. I'm afraid cause I don't have a good track record. I'm a wild card, even to me. I feel like a coward by saying all this, or like a person that plans to fail, or like a premature quitter. But I'd be a liar if I was to say that I know what will happen or that I know I'll be where I'm supposed to be in 2, 5, or 10 years. Don't misunderstand, I don't question my testimony; I don't question my love for God and Christ; I don't question prophets, revelation, leadership, or the power of faith. I question that moment and me in it. I've just learned from so many other experiences...that no matter how I feel now, I can't tell you for sure what will happen at that moment. I'm afraid of not being where I should be some day down the road when I stop and take a look around and then look at myself.
Well, with all the above drama, let me just say that I'm not in a crisis. I love my friends, I love my family, I like my work, and I really don't like my classes. So, I guess I'm normal, right? ...maybe I am.

February 9, 2009
I turned 26 today. My first thought this morning was that I should have accomplished more by now than I have. I'm still working on my undergrad and I've not really done anything of great or lasting consequence. I promise I've stayed really busy and I've tried to leave a good mark everywhere I go. On the other hand, I do take great comfort in what I have inter-personally - in who my friends are. Hillary said that she thought that the quality of my friends was a reflection of me. I half agree - I think it's as much good fortune/God's blessing that my friends are so incredible, uncommon, and heart-filled as it is a reflection on me. I'm unarguably a very fortunate person.
Yoga, running, basketball, volleyball, lifting, classes, work, and church. That's me - week in and week out. I'm loving it so much. For the most part, I've really been on cloud nine for January and the start of February (November and December were darker and more horrific that I believed possible). There are a few things that slow me down here and there, but not for long. All my grad school apps are in and I'm waiting anxiously for a word. It could drive me nuts, but I'm staying busy enough to get by. I kinda feel like I'm in limbo - waiting for the transition period to wherever I go to school. I start to make plans for this or that, but then I remember that it's all contingent on what happens with grad school. So, yeah, it is driving me nuts.
I don't have a boyfriend and it's been that way since the end of December. That's good. I don't have a girlfriend either. ;) I suppose that's good as well. I am still unsure of what will happen. Fortunately, the unsurity isn't for the same reasons as before (see the latter half of October 23rd's entry). It's because I want two opposite things so strongly and yet equally. I have friends who decided to be in relationships and I feel so happy for them and I think they're such incredibly great and golden people - but how would I feel about me if I found that kind of happiness? I want that so badly... A fulfilling relationship - like what happily married people experience...I want that. Or, what if I married the woman I love? Right now, there isn't a soul, man or woman, I am happier to be with or love more than Hillary. Really, that's the bare and full truth. But, I know that can't happen. It's unhealthy, inappropriate, selfish or otherwise purely wrong for gay people to try to force a marital relationship - that's how they end in heartache for entire families.
Otherwise and for the most part, I'm really doing great. I feel like I'm walking in an open meadow and I'm so so grateful and peaceful. There have been a couple hiccups here and there but all really is well. I feel so full of love for everyone I spend time with and for all that I correspond with. My heart feels full because of thoughts of my friends who have offered support to me in times of deep confusion or despair. There's a good way to put a smile on my face...

That's a lot of journal entries, huh? I put them there so you could understand what's happened over the last year. Mom, you said that I've really changed over the last year. Yeah, I have. I wish with every part of myself that I hadn't. I wish even more that I was normal. I'd be married happily and probably with children...you'd be grandparents! But, like I said above, I'm not going to do that anymore - I'm not going to wish like that anymore. I'm sure that this leaves tons of questions unanswered. When you are ready to ask them, I'm here. Please think hard if you feel to guide me to work on change. I believe we'd find ourselves at an impasse. It's taken me a full year of pain, hurt, friendships, guidance, struggling, mistakes, and wandering to bring me to where I'm at - to a feeling of acceptance and readiness to move on with a different life than I had for ever anticipated and expected. I know that I need to be and I promise to be very patient with you guys. It definately takes time to wrap your mind around it. But, do feel assured that things are k and that they're going to remain that way. I'm healthy, most often happy, and prepared to move forward with a very productive life. What am I lacking? Everyone had challenges and mysteries to solve...of course I'm not going to be an exception to that. The future? Well, we can't write it now, so lets cross those bridges when we come to them. Lets take this slowly. Anna is getting married in the temple and that is reason enought to be increadibly happy. Lets see this as a side story to Anna's marriage. Really, that's where it belongs. Please don't tell any extended family. If you want to tell the girls, please let me do it. If you want to keep this between we three for now, that's ok too. I love you guys. I'm me, the same one you've always known. When you go to sleep tonight, remember that I love you and we're really fortunate to have each other. I love you.

So, it's really long, but I hope that it, along with the Matis' story from In Quiet Desparation will help them to have a helpful introduction to this. That way, when I see them in April, we'll be able to have more reasonable and helpful ideas to converse about. Wow, I've got to get this done with...but definitely in the right way. I don't want to make it painful for them. I love them too much.