A New Light, A New Life

Arizona or Bust

2012-01-28T01:24:00.001-07:00

Well, it was an interesting year...the one I spent in Sugarhouse, UT. The relationship with the guy I was dating didn't work out and life in that house turned horribly sour. Things got especially difficult toward the later part of 2011 and I only made it through by staying busy at work and with the love and encouragement of some very special friends.

Foremost among them was my biker friend. He and I met and became friends years ago but our friendship took off last summer as we ventured out every Saturday morning to ride up East Canyon and shoot pistols and swim off the shores of East Canyon Reservoir. We'd often stop at a bar and grill somewhere and eat and chat for hours. I also ended up joining a flag football league with him and played football twice every week for the whole of the summer. What a life-saver that all was. So much fun and at such a needed time.

I ended up spending most of 2011 working for a really nice Italian restaurant right nearby my house. I worked six days a week and double shifts most days so that I wouldn't have to go home. At work, I had dear friends and I made wonderful acquaintances with the restaurant's patrons. It was so good there that it seemed as though we might have been one big quirky family. I ate, drank, and sometimes even slept there. Most importantly, it was at work that I had peace. I'll be forever grateful for that place and the people that loved me there. And I loved them too.

Toward the end of the year, the home situation got bad enough that I just had to get out of there. I had to get out of Salt Lake. I had to rediscover with the person I had once been. I'd lost my energy, my drive, my passion, and my desire to try. I knew I was more that what I had become and that if I didn't do something to recover my real self, I'd waste away till I was done - which at the rate I was going wouldn't have taken too long.

So I tricked myself. I manipulated myself into moving away and getting back into school and the things that made me me. I started spreading the rumor that I had already made plans to move to Arizona at the beginning of the new year and go back to school. I told people I was excited to do it - that I was sure that this was what I was made to do. In truth, I had made no such plans and I was afraid - truly afraid - to change up my whole life when there was no assurance that it would even work...afraid that I couldn't do it. But, after starting the rumors and receiving loads of approval and encouragement from people I trusted, I began to think that maybe it could work. So, I started to make inquiries in Arizona. I thought about going to motorcycle mechanics school till hopefully starting my MSW program in the fall. I talked to old employers and friends. I wasn't too sure what to do. Then, out of the blue, I received a message from an old friend that was working at and equine boys ranch. After a few messages and phone calls, I found myself on my motorcycle riding through Utah's snow and rain to eventually make it down to a ranch just north of the Mexico border.

Life immediately changed for the better. The healing and learning is going pretty well here. I ride and train with horses most every day; I work with fun boys and great staff while sharing and talking about good life principles; and my work comes complimentary with room, board, and three squares a day.

Yet Another Chapter

2011-04-25T21:44:00.001-06:00

A year later, and I feel the urge to write. Nothing more nor less than the innate desire to express my life and thoughts in words - and the audience? myself, you...the unknown reader, and maybe to a few that will see a fresh post after more than a year's absence.

So, so, so much has changed. I've lived in Arizona, New York, Montana, and Utah in the last two years. But I think I've found home. I have someone now...leastwise, I think I have him. Lol. As many will willingly admit, relationships take work and I would venture to say that this is especially true for gay relationships. Both of us were raised LDS, so we've got our families and backgrounds to work with; but I think that we're doing well. We definitely have our disagreements and arguments, but we refuse to let them last for more than a few hours at most. We've found that it's most important to remember our love and care for each other and whatever the hell was causing us to be so angry...it can't possibly be more important than the way we furiously care for each other.

I've had four jobs in that same time span. Oi vey. I left one for school...got fired from the second cause the LDS owners found out I was gay (my suspicions)...got laid-off in a company downsizing...started serving tables...and then was offered a career position to sell and manage the distribution of crystal singing bowls. Go figure, but I'm back into a community that values energy, meditation, and non-dogmatic spirituality...I'm home. I even - at the behest of my employer - prayed for the first time in years last night. No incredible story, but it's a start.

Now-a-days, I wake up at 7:30, take a late lunch, lock up and head home. Am happy, and still right here.

True Colors

2010-03-17T00:08:00.002-06:00

I see your true colors shining through, I see your true colors and that's why I love you. So don't be afraid to let them show, your true colors, your true colors are beautiful...like a rainbow.

Damnit, it's true! Why can't we believe this?

This song came on my ipod as I was driving home late this evening...and in the quiet of my car as I was cruising through Sardine Canyon, it really struck me that there are some quite amazing people that love me and believe in me...I'm convinced that they see my true colors, and that's why they love me.

About a month ago, my mom called and shared with me a Sunday School lesson that she had in church. The lesson was about not judging yourself but instead making simple observations. The teacher shared the idea that we are often too clouded in regards to our own lives and that the judgments that we make are consequentially too harsh and unrealistic. As a simple example, when we mess up on a new goal, we judge that all our efforts to that point have just been rendered as vain and that we have just thrown ourselves back to the beginning to start over from nothing. While we judge our actions as thus, others would see the learning and building that we had done to make it as far as we did. They would point out that we are not left to start over from nothing, rather that we've gained the lessons and experience from coming as far as we have...and that these will help us in trying again to succeed in attaining our goal. The point is that we fail to be reasonable and/or rational in the judgments that we pronounce upon ourselves.

I consistently fail to believe that God still loves me and isn't ashamed of who I've become. I do this because I judge myself as a sinner, a deliberately lost sheep, and an unrepentant son. Friends who know me well seem to recognize different qualities in me - good qualities that draw their attention, qualities that make them proud of me. Often, I dismiss their observations and compliments by saying that they just don't know me as well as I know myself...or that they don't spend as much time with me as I do. Well, while I may know some things about me that they don't know, I bet that their evaluation of my person and character are more accurate than mine. I dwell excessively on things I haven't done right, on things I really should have done better, on things I haven't done yet, and on things I should do but am afraid to fail at. With all this attention spent disproportionately on negative observations, it's no wonder I might struggle to like the person I've become. It's no wonder I judge myself the way I do.

So, what to do about it? Well, if someone is engaging in a behavior that is destructive, you'd tell them to stop...right? Maybe you'd tell them to go about it in a different way. So, I'm going to try to stop judging. I'll make observations and simply decide if the choices I'm making are helping me to be a healthy person or if they are hindering me in becoming a healthy person. No more condemning myself. Just observations...and then slowly pruning my behaviors and choices so that I grow healthier and happier. No more applying these abstract, universal, superstitious, and often indescribable laws of good and evil...rather, just using these small observations to separate the helpful from the damaging. Maybe after a time of doing this, I'll be able to see some of my true colors.

It's quite easy for me to see the incredible value and greatness in my friends and loved ones. Without having to search at all, I could list pages of evidence in support of their goodness and value to this world. I've thought quite a bit about it...and if you're reading this and I know you, you fall into this category. Don't question my sanity, but believe my words. Maybe if we stop judging ourselves, it'll get easier to be convinced of our worth. I really do think that our true colors are beautiful. We just need to believe it and stop damning ourselves like we do.

P.S. The pics are from my recent shoulder surgery from which I'm one week in recovery. I got too brave off a really big jump while skiing on Powder Mountain and separated my collar bone from my shoulder. The doctor stitched back together three ligaments and bolted down my clavicle. Oops.

Some things I should never forget

2010-01-27T06:50:00.002-07:00

This list will continue to grow...but these are some starters. These are things that I don't ever want to forget and things that I might want to forget but shouldn't.

What it was like the first two weeks after coming out to myself. (intensly frightening, felt like people could read it in me like print in a book, panic attacks)

The things that meant the most to me in recovering from the fear. (a hug...especially from a mother or father who knew I was gay, someone truly communicating that they loved me and thought I was valuable whether I was with a man or a woman, someone loving me even more because I told them I was gay instead of loving me in spite of it)

Саћин, Фернандо, Џејсон Балингхам, Џејсон Алред, Џефи Мејсон, Џеф Морган, Сандра, живот у Холадеју код Фернанда, Арлин, Брејди, вино код стана у Прово са Андијом, Марк Џексон и стихови свугде око собе, Марк Џонсон из Вашингтона, Емали као друга и дд. Бабилон и пиво и ракија и вино и бартендер на највишем спрату, како је кад чиниж љубав упорођење са секс.

Halloween 2008 and 2009, New Years 2009 and 2010, Vegas Pride Festival 2009, Фернандов рођендан, and the two rooms upstairs at my home in Holladay.

What it was like to be turned away by family that found out you're gay.

How hard it was for my parents to come to terms with this and how hard they worked to do so.

What my first kiss was like.

What it was like to have a first boyfriend.

What it was like to have your first heartbreak.

How it felt to hook-up.

How it felt to take it slow in a relationship.

How incredible my sisters were.

How lucky I was with my bishop at BYU. (I told him about the hook-ups, alcohol, smoking, pot, and missing church and he still was so kind and didn't put me on any discipline that would jeopardize my graduation)

What it was like to get diagnosed with cancer and the sickness, meds, surgery and recovery...and what it was like when I let others support me versus when I kept it a secret to myself.

How amazing Hillary was and how she literally carried me when I was down for the count.

How other friends (Andy, the Holladay friends, the blogging friends, Сачин и друштво, Арлин, Микеј, Михајл, Куртис, Кајл) gave me the courage, strength, and hope to move forward.

The abandonment I felt from God and the anger I developed toward Him while working at the prison.

The impact of "the world without is but a reflection of the world within."

The help God gave me when NYC didn't pan out.

The power and effect of true, unconditional love.

How unbelievably necessary and indescribably powerful it is to have true dear friends. Sometimes, I'm so grateful for them that it brings me to tears. And that's a good thing.

Plan B

2010-01-08T03:08:00.003-07:00

“The most successful people are those who are good at Plan B.” - James Yorke (1941)

Plan A took a dive and is out. What was it? Plan A required things like going back to church, no drinking or drugs, no dating guys, and doing all the things I'm supposed to do (like praying, scripture study, and the likes). Yeah, plan A is out. Plan B is what we called the alternative (whatever it looked like) to plan A. For now, plan B has three guiding ideals: (1) at any given point, I hope to be able to say that I truly am happy to be the person that I've become - that given the chance, I would really choose to be nobody else; (2) where I'm at, the actual place where I'm living and the city, it needs to be the place that I feel is right - I believe that location is important and that I need to be living in the right places as time moves on; and (3) what I'm engaged in, the purpose for which I'm laboring, is something that I really believe in - it's what I need to do if I am to pursue my personal legend (see The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho). Plan B is really all I want and it's what I can do.

Plan A is out because I'm sick of it - I got sick from it.

After the novelty of returning to church wore off, it became empty, hollow, and painful. I heard shallow words and echoes. Commandments and standards that seemed more subject to culture than love and God. The main reason I'm done with it is because while I can choose to be LDS, I can't choose to be gay. Sure, I don't have to "give in" to my feelings, but tell that to my feelings. If I don't give in to the desire and hope for love, then the venom of fear and depression will end me. Since homosexuality isn't allowed in the church, I'm out. I'm still searching for spirituality and I believe in so many things still...but I'm out of the organization.

Substances? Well, drugs are out. The occasional drinking? Eh, I'll just make sure to be safe. In the last eight months, I drank 3 times. No drinking-to-cope and no drugs and I won't find any problems with it.

Dating guys? Well, my number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Haha. I've dated only one guy since returning to UT and being with him brought me the greatest happiness I've known in years. Walking arm in arm, smiling just because you're together, feeling vulnerable and safe because of him, sitting silently in one another's arms complete and content - why would I ever cut that kind of love out of life? It is real and virtuous.

What brought on the change? Oddly enough, it was church and family. You'd think that under their influence, I'd have stuck with plan A all the way. Ha! After being blacklisted and thrown out...yeah, I'm bitter. I'll admit it. Some of them say that they still love me...they just need space, I say whatever. I'll take a raincheck on this thing you're calling love. Some of my dearest family told me to stay away - to not even call. Some others are upset with me for "leaving the church." Do they think I wanted to? Do they think it was a quick or easy decision? Do they realize that it scares me to death? I thank God for the ones that love and support me in my journey to find peace. As far as church's influence in ditching plan A, it's pretty well explained above. Simply put, I just couldn't bring these two things (homosexuality and traditional religion) into harmony with one another. I could stand the dissonance for only so long before I fell ill from it. I'll have to try to find God in other ways.

Until next time.

Conditioning and Caboosing

2009-12-07T17:54:00.008-07:00

"We love you no matter what and as long as you don't give in to that, everything is ok." - mom and dad

"You'll always be my brother and I'll always love you. As long as you resist that temptation, you have nothing to be ashamed of." - little sister

"Robert, I've known you for so long and I know who you are. Because I know that I know you, no matter what ever happens, I'll love you and you will never change for me." - real friend

Please don't condition your love for me - leave off the caboose. Perhaps you don't intend to, but your words betray you. The value in the words of what my "real friend" said is indescribable. I've heard it only a few times, and it always evokes emotion from deep within. I watched Harvey Milk tell a fearful young gay man, "you are not sick and you are not wrong and God does not hate you." I want to believe it so badly that I find myself needing to wipe my eyes or breathe deeply for fear of losing my composure. How can a society of "saints" indoctrinate its young disciples with such horrible messages that they believe they are sick, wrong and hated of God for being gay? Christ said that LOVE was the greatest commandment of all. If you have to put love aside to do something in the name of your deity, then haven't you missed the mark? If you condition your love, then haven't you conditioned your discipleship?

My cousins black-listed me. I've lived in their home, I was roommates with another, and I baby sat for and visited them weekly. It is more than words can convey, how horrible such reactions are. Parents that cast their gay child to the curb; brothers, sisters, or extended family that cuts them out of their lives; and universities or communities that expel them from their organizations. Is such conditional association consistent with love, compassion, or even respect?

My psychology hero is Carl Rogers. One of many tenants he had for effective counseling or therapy was that it must be non-directive. When there is unsolicited directional counsel or expectations, they hinder progress because they become interference and static. This detracts from the individual's ability to make discoveries and intrinsically motivated decisions. Each person must come to find their concept of the world and the course for their life. This requires that they are able to discover it themselves, free from the innumerable influences that are only motivated by self-benefit. Support and love is requisite - but conditions and cabooses can be fatal.

To truly love someone, you desire the best for them. With conditional love, you desire what's best for you - and so you care not whether your counsel is unsolicited or directional, because it is motivated by your interests. If I love someone, I will trust them with their life and support them with real love free of conditions. When others do this for me, I feel that their care is genuine. They become a safe place for me to open my heart and mind to explore. Only then do I become desirous of their counsel.

A post script prompted by Calvin's valid comment:

So, there is love, and love needs to truly be unconditional. As far as support, we would hope that our loved ones would be willing to support us no matter what (as long as we're not way off the mark; for instance, I don't expect that they would support me if I was robbing convenience stores). So, support is something that we hope for and I hope that my family would support me whether I had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Regarding consequences, they are the results of our actions. They're sometimes good, sometimes bad, and sometimes they're neither. I don't find it unjust that certain choices can lose me my membership in the church. My involvement is voluntary and it's their prerogative to set conditions for their community. If I was a member of PETA, then I'd probably need to stop hunting. Yeah? While this is the case, I really wish that things were different. I wish that familial support could continue even if someone had a same sex partner. I wish that there was a different way for the church to deal with actively homosexual members. And I wish that love would prevail in questionable situations.

Thanks Giving Day

2009-11-26T06:15:00.005-07:00

I woke this morning at 4:45 to get ready for work...and as I climbed into Hillary's little Toyota Tercel, I felt more grateful than I have in a long, long time. I feel the greatest portion of gratitude for the people - both family and friends - with whom I get to share bonds of love, compassion, care, and profound closeness. Without these people, life is cold and absolutely devoid of meaning; but with these relationships, I can see a purpose, potential, and value even in wandering. I truly hope that none of these friends or family would need to question my appreciation for them. They held my hand when I bought my first home, they kept me safe when I was emerging from the closet, they carried me through sickness and surgery, and they sheltered me when I was homeless. In all these things, they've continuously done one thing - they've loved me. Through all that we experience in life and through all the choices that we have and will make, the greatest question is, "how much do you love?" Order, read, or borrow Carol Lynn Pearson's book The Lesson: A Fable for Our Times. Indeed, Christ (whether Savior, prophet, teacher, or all three) said that the greatest commandment was to love God, your neighbor, and your own self. If we truly love, then respect and kindness and sacrifice come naturally and in turn. I feel deep, genuine, and profound gratitude in my soul for those who care and who harbor a form of love for me. It gives me life when I feel lifeless, it gives me reason when I feel there is none, and it provides truth when I feel lost. If only "thank you" could fully carry the depth of gratitude I wish to express...if only.

I am also truly grateful to God, the creator and operator of our world. I'm grateful for the resilliance of our spirits and bodies. Even though at times I've questioned whether or not I could recover from some blows, it's always happened - I've always recovered. I'm grateful that I'm healthy both in mind and body. I'm grateful for the life I was born into. My country, my family, the conditions of the time I live in and the people with whom I share life - I do not and will not take any of it for granted.

Even though some things are not well, I can still be very grateful for other things that are. Truly, gratitude is the harbinger of happiness.

Coming To My Senses?

2009-11-03T21:53:00.011-07:00

I can't spit anything out...there's so much going on - both fun and not-so-fun - but it doesn't seem to want to be sorted out. The following are entries that I started...but couldn't see through to a final conclusive end.

October 26 - On the Issue of Repentance

[I have so many thoughts relative to this topic, but I couldn't type a one.]

October 28 - My, oh My. How Things Have Changed

I wrote this almost exactly a year ago: I'm afraid of the future...of me in the future. I'm afraid that I'll become someone that I'll regret, or that I'll regret living alone, or that I'll regret marrying, or that I'll regret something I didn't want to type.

I'm no longer afraid of the future - I'm going to choose the paths I walk, and I'll choose them out of a healthy state of mind and because I feel and believe that they are the better choice. I'm no longer afraid of me in the future - I'm not a wild-card as long as I'm not making choices out of fear, despair, or hopelessness. Regrets? Well, it's going to be a challenge, but I'll work my best to make choices that I won't regret. It might not come out clearly, but here's a thought: When I stand at a crossroads, mine will be the charge to make the choice that most befits my values, passions, concerns, awakenings, and beliefs. If I am honestly true to these things, then I will have no reason, in sixty years, to look back with the smallest degree of regret for the life I will have lived.

October 31 - Oh, Parents. What Do I Say To You?

Mom and dad know I'm gay. They've accepted that guys have a spell on me and not girls; but, I'm slowly finding that while they say they'll always love and support me, their actions say otherwise. They told me that they want to know what's going on (I would guess that they said this because...well, that's what parents feel is the right thing to say); unfortunately, they've given me two options to chose from when I tell them what's up: "Hey mom and dad, I hold a current temple recommend and I'm going to the temple regularly" or "I'm working with my bishop to become worthy to go back to the temple." So, what if neither of those is the case? Well, then they don't want to hear it.

At the beginning of the month, I told them that I've started going back to church. I asked if they would like to read something that I recently wrote. My dad said yes. I told him that it would reveal some of the things that I did last year to cope with the hard times. He said that he'd still like me to send it. I sent them the post, The LDS Church and Gays. After a week of silence, my mom wrote a letter and called me to shame for having turned to drugs to cope and because I'm "speaking against the prophets and apostles of the church," my sister phoned me in tears because mom told her that I'm "writing anti-Mormon literature," and just last Monday my dad told me that he would rather that gays stayed hidden in fear because at least they didn't have such a negative effect on society like they do now. Wow, that didn't go well. I told them that they had terribly misunderstood the message of what I wrote; I said that we would just have to agree to disagree on a few things; and I worked at being patient toward them and not taking offense at what they said or believed. But yesterday, I failed.

By nine in the morning, I was so angry and frustrated. I just didn't know what to do. I almost went to the liquor store for a bottle of something strong, but I decided to go to the Borders bookstore instead and get lost in a good novel. It worked, the anger and frustration went away, but the problem remains. I really don't know what the future will look like and I've quit using absolutes like never and always; so, I've been thinking about where my parents are coming from and what I could do to slowly wear away at the irrational, traditionalist, and narrow sight they seem to have. Eh, whatever.

November 3 - Closets are for Clothes...and Me!

Oh, no. So, my cousin told my aunt and my aunt told the rest of her family. Their reactions: one didn't have a problem, one cried, and the others? S__t, f__k, damn, and hell. Those were their reactions, respectively. This was why I didn't tell them. Oh, no...

Like I said. A lot of jumbled stuff and it's not falling into any sort of coherent framework. I guess sometimes you're just jumbled, and that's ok. Also, it's interesting to see the way that emotions and stress can so strongly influence my thoughts and opinions. I'd like to admit that I was quite frustrated or discouraged as I started writing some of these entries. I think that I was somewhat unfair to my parents in what I said - it's hard for them too. Mine isn't the only heart that experienced fear, hurt, and despair. I submit this only because I want to remember how easily I can become jumbled and confused. I think it's added to because...well, there's this someone...

The world without is but a reflection of the world within

2009-10-04T21:17:00.006-06:00

For such a long time now, I've felt so much frustration and bitterness. And only because it's natural for us (maybe just for me) to need a focus for such feelings, the target of my bitterness and frustration became God and by association, the LDS Church (the one that I was raised in). I was able to be more understanding toward the church and its members - they are, like me, human and I understand what that's like...to not be perfect; but toward God, because "He is perfect," I didn't feel that I needed to temper my anger and criticism toward Him. In my work with struggling youth and with inmates at the UT state prison, I had been privy to know of so much unspeakable evil that is perpetrated on innocent or integrally good people. And I had been deeply hurt by the struggles that I was experiencing. I felt that if God was perfect and He created this plan that we are caught in, then He was perfectly cold and distanced from the suffering of His people. Could He not have come up with a plan that didn't require such horrible slaughter or allow such damaging and devastatingly evil self-perpetuating abuses? If it was in my power, I would never have set loose a plan wherein those horrors would occur. Because God is perfect, I felt so much more betrayed by His intentions than by anybody ever before. If He is perfect, and in His perfection, He is allowing this kind of inhumanity to occur, what are His intentions?

That's how I felt, and it penetrated clear to the deepest parts of me. Those feelings grew roots into every part of my heart, intellect, and beliefs.

Today, I had a conversation with an amazing gay LDS friend who is a great exemplar of patience and understanding in this arena. In talking and texting with him, I was reminded of an idea that I once used to live by. It's this: There are many things that I can't understand and many things that I can't change. To let my frustrations and fears with these things ruin my happiness and peace is just self-defeating; so, in the name of preserving mental and emotional health, I have to allow those concerns to go unanswered and instead, focus my energy on things that I can affect and change.

For a long time, I found myself unable to enjoy church meetings or LDS General Conference addresses because all I could see was a lacking understanding, judgemental people, and bigotry. A wise Indian once told me that "the world without is but a reflection of the world within." He said that what I saw in the world around me was but a reflection of what was within me. I saw a lack of effort to be understanding because I was falling short of understanding others - because I feared they wouldn't understand me. I saw judgemental people because I was judging them when I felt they might judge me. And I felt bigotry from others because I, myself, was a bigot toward those who I saw as bigots. I was destroying myself by letting my frustrations and fears ruin my happiness and peace.

Over the last month, I was able to attend church a couple of Sundays. For the first time in a long time, I truly enjoyed the meetings and felt love and peace in the discussions. Over this weekend, I was able to watch some of General Conference and I felt warmth and comfort where, for the last year, I had only felt justifiable criticism. I am once again enjoying church!

So, now in my journey, I am beginning again to see past frustration, fear, and bitterness to enjoy a better and brighter world, a world - a reflection - of my world within.

I recognize now, as I once did before, that to make a change in what I see in the world around me, I have to change the world within. Be more understanding and I'll see more of it in the world around me; judge less and I'll feel less judged; and be more compassionate and I'll see more compassion around me...and less bigotry.

This won't turn the world into a bag of peaches, but a beautiful world can only be seen by those who cultivate beauty within themselves - beautiful attitudes, ideas, and beliefs about others. It feels so good to feel this again.

The LDS Church and gays

2009-09-27T07:08:00.007-06:00

There is a large and very hot discussion going on right now and the topic is respect, rights, and acceptance for those of the lesbian and gay community. The LDS Church has recently become increasingly compassionate toward members and nonmembers who are attracted to the same sex/gender (I'm totally thrilled about this); however, the LDS church's and the Catholic church's influence have been responsible for the passing of legislation denying the civil right of marriage to gays and lesbians. From the other side, patience and long-suffering within the gay and lesbian communities is wearing thinner and thinner (it seems unbelievable to us that one would have to wait to be eligible for the same respect, rights, and acceptance that their peers enjoy - the difference being that heterosexuality is the acceptable orientation in the country that was founded on the principles that all men are created equal and endowed by the creator with unalienable rights for opportunity and happiness). The injustice is downright frustrating and the fact that it still exists and by virtue of popular vote is unbelievable. As far as the Church and gays go, I try to empathize with both sides; keep in mind, though, that empathize and approve of are not the same. But, a good step forward would be to better understand the "other" in the argument. To understand where others are coming from, I think of my experience with drugs.

Before I ever used drugs, I had a pretty simple belief about them. People who use, well, they choose to use. They choose to mess up their lives (because we all know that's exactly what drugs do and that's all that they do), and however much we have compassion for them (as we should), what they are experiencing in consequence is the result of their choices. Say no to drugs - they're bad, and bad people do them.

Now, years later and after experiencing what it is to be a user, and working along side and with so many past and present users, I have a bit of a different take on the issue. I'd agree with my former belief that those who use, choose to use; however, that's about as far as I can go in agreeing with my former beliefs about drugs. "They chose to mess up their lives." Ha! I know for myself and I've heard the same from many others that when I started using, I was trying to save my life - trying to save it from fatal depression, incinerating anger, and the growing desire to forfeit the future in favor of life after death. "What they are experiencing is a result of their choices." Bah! I was assuming that all that they were experiencing was getting high and coming down and a subsequent physical and mental decline. Wrong. I experienced overwhelming fear, depression, and despair. The hurt was bad enough that I had to do something to stop the pain or I'd have to crawl out of my skin. I was sleeping any available waking moment just so I wouldn't have to feel. THAT is what I was experiencing - none of it a consequence of any choices I had made; rather, it was consequence to having finally met the then unbearable reality that I was gay and that meant life as I had dreamed it was never going to happen for me. THAT is when and why I started using...and suddenly I didn't have to feel that unbearable reality anymore. I was better. The pain was gone whenever I wanted it to be gone. I could have gone to a psychiatrist and achieved the same effect, but my way was cheaper. P.S. I've been clean for quite a while.

Now, that was not an argument advocating the use of drugs. I work all the time with people, trying to help them to find alternatives and reasons to stay clean - to help them experience how much better it is to replace self-medication with healthy and open relationships with compassionate and loving people like family, parents, and friends. Rather, that experience in learning I was naive is the way that I can better understand the leaders and members of the church. What I wrote about the before and after of drugs, I really mean it. Before using drugs, I really, really was sure that I was right about what I believed and I was positive that I had God on my side. After experiencing what I experienced, I realized that I had been naive. My naivety turned to ignorance when I thought that I knew what it was all about, and my ignorance encouraged bigoted beliefs about users and an attitude of limited compassion. Now, I think that God would rather I used drugs in place of forfeiting life (these being the only two options I was able to see, being blind with fear and sadness). Unfortunately, for me, it wasn't until I experienced what I did that I understood how naive I was - even about being naive.

Unless there's something that I don't know, none of the General Authorities are gay - they've never been users. They're definitely doing better with trying to understand and be compassionate about the topic of homosexuality than I was about the topic of drugs; but, I guess, until you're the one being burned, the fire only looks hot. Yeah?

I would not have to look hard or read past the first part of Elder Bruce Hafen's talk to find opportunity to be offended. The poor man stood comfortably at the pulpit and said all that stuff about how hot the fire is to a crowd of people that were standing in the flames! Many of the ideas he shared were contrary to new literature from the church. He didn't do himself any good up there. But, he didn't intend any harm. People make mistakes. There's a reason that so many are concerned about being politically correct. And although GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH, I'm able to be a happier person if I can keep myself from being offended by a man with good intentions but lacking knowledge and tact. If I ever did want to meet Elder Hafen, I don't care to now; but I wish nothing bad upon him.

I am positive that there are general authorities of the church that are deeply concerned about the issue. I'm also disappointed with the conduct of the officials of the church and their leadership through prop 8 and similar situations in other states. Being that church officers and general authorities are appointed by God to lead His children, my disappointment runs deeper.

We are subject to the influences and conditions of the times that we live in and the thinking of the age.

Is it outside of God's will that a man marry a man or a woman wed a woman? Is it God's will that people and governments withhold from gays many of the "unalienable" rights with which they are "endowed by their Creator?" I don't know.

Serious change takes a long time - too long. History is not kind to those who rush it. But change doesn't happen by default, but by the work of pioneers. And pioneers don't often reap the full rewards of their work; rather, that is left to the following generations.

So, are the LDS church and gays two mutually exclusive groups? I don't think so. Do I hope that the feelings and understandings of the church and its members regarding homosexuality change soon - sooner than later? I really do. And do I think this will happen without effort and sacrifice from the gay Mormon members and former members? Nope. Whether God wants gay marriage to be eternal or not, I do believe marriage is a civil right and I'm bewildered that it is still not available to gays.

I will continue to search for God's will in my life. Inconsistency with Him makes it hard to find peace. I hope (and when I start praying again, I'll pray) that the people of our time will soften their hearts on this issue that they do not understand. But, I expect to have to brush off ignorant or bigoted comments again and again. I'm sure that I'll need to correct misconceptions about gays again and again. And I'm sure that I'll become offended or hurt by actions or comments from this person or that organization. But, I'm most sure that I'll have fun most the time and be healthy and happy over the space of a long life. We all have callings. We're all in different situations and we all have things that we need to do for ourselves and for those around us. Everyone should read The Alchemist and then they'll understand when I say that we've got to pursue our personal legend.

As a post script, I'm no longer in NYC. I got out there and found a place to live and had incredibly fun roomies in a really cool neighborhood...and then I went to the first day of school and met with my graduate advisor. The program I was about to start wasn't going to accomplish what I needed it to accomplish (namely, get me into a PhD program or at least increase my chances of getting in). I talked with the graduate adviser and department head for a couple of hours about their PhD application review process, about what they look for, and about the insignificance of a masters degree to those reviewing PhD applications. Everything they said clearly illustrated the uselessness of completing the program I was about to start. So, I decided not to spend a TON of money and two years getting this degree when it would provide no benefit; rather, I thought it better to work for a year and reapply to doctoral programs and go back to school in fall of 2010. So, here I am, back in the west - in Logan, UT. Initially, I returned to MT where my family is and I started looking for work. Two days later, I was offered full-time employment with decent pay with an adolescent behavioral health care provider - exactly what I was hoping for - so I jumped on it. This was so fortunate and really made me feel very grateful. I think it'll be nice to work for a year, to get my spiritual life back in order, and to save up some money for where-ever I take off to next fall to start a PhD program.

And the summer comes to a close...

2009-08-20T23:37:00.006-06:00

The summer in Arizona was so helpful and necessary. It wasn't easy or all good - of course I still did some really stupid things; but, I haven't had a drink since the summer began (thanks to a pact and the support of a few friends), I was able to do a lot of listening (metaphorical), and I heard and felt so much that I really needed. Best of all, I was able to live the whole (almost) summer with my concerns totally outside myself. In Arizona, everything we did was about the children and families that we were working with. I can't describe how wonderful and fulfilling and heartening it is to help a child, mother, and father rediscover their desire and love for one another, their interdependence on each other, and the sweetness of harmony and peace when it's inside you. Wow, I'm so grateful for what I was able to participate in over the summer. :)

Now, I'm off to Brooklyn, NY for grad school! Yep, I'm a little intimidated...and excited...and whatever else. I'm not sure what life is going to be like over there. Living conditions, transportation, work and money, roomies, neighborhoods, neighbors, professors, classes, campus, friends...I don't even have an apartment yet (I'm in the process of sorting thru the candidates). Thinking about it just makes me feel more intimidated, excited, and anxious. Oh, but I have no doubt that it'll be fun. I'll just have to write about it when I get there.

When I finished up in Arizona and headed up to Montana, I had the chance to stop in and see some friends in Utah. Wow, that was soooo nice. And wow, I miss them so much! They're such good friends and kind and loving. Wow, I love them. Amidst seeing my friends, I went to my little sister's wedding (or better said: while at my sister's wedding, I got to visit some friends). Her and her husband are both really lucky (he's cute and she's an overall ten). hehe. It was so great to see all of my family in one place celebrating two people I totally love. Then, in Montana, Hillary and I got to spend four days together. This was so necessary because of how unavailable we were to each other over the summer - being out in the wilderness, her teaching, separated by half a continent... Her and I hadn't been able to really talk much aside from the casual chat. While she was in Montana, we had such an amazing time playing, laughing, wrestling, and most important of all, talking. We touched base with each other - we really talked and shared all about how life is now-a-days. Oh, that was so nice and liberating and sustaining to be able to be with her and open up totally and have her do the same. Wow, I really love that girl.

So, with the summer coming to a close, I find that I'm a very grateful chump - so lucky to have such quality people to love and to have such great people loving me. Don't ever forget this.

It's been long...

2009-06-02T02:25:00.007-06:00

It's really been a very long time since I last thought quietly and singly about the way the events of the last year have affected me and how they are now affecting the paths I travel these days...haha, maybe that's good.

Over the last six weeks, I sold my motorcycle and car, moved to Arizona, enacted Plan A, started working for the ANASAZI Foundation again, bought a new bike, and am preparing to move to NYC to start graduate school in the fall. So much has happened that I can hardly believe that it's only been six weeks.

Leaving Utah was much harder than I expected. I had no idea how dependent I had grown to my routine and friends. I was biding time and living a life suspended from rules, church, and obligation. I was doing what allowed me to feel free and happy. There was only one serious problem with the life I was leading: in living it up and playing like I was, I wasn't killing or suffocating myself, but I was allowing myself to start down a path where the sole concern was me and my happiness. The problem? Well, it was that the things of greatest value in life are not things at all, they are people and our relationships with them. When we are solely focused on ourselves and our own pursuit of happiness, our most valuable relations with those that are vitally important to us diminish. The Creator, our parents and siblings, our confidants, and our own hearts. These are the relationships that become distant and withered when our focus is on ourselves.

Talking With My Parents After Coming Out

2009-04-19T22:20:00.000-06:00

I'm out to my parents as gay; I'm accepted to grad school in NYC; and I lose my job, health insurance, and apartment in 2 days...and I think I'm ok with it all.

My parents came down from Montana the other weekend so that we could have time to talk and reaffirm the facts that we're family, we love each other no matter what, and that they're proud of me as their son. I'm so very fortunate that my parents have received this news so well. They have their concerns and they had a little counsel for me, but they were all ears for the feelings and awakenings I shared with them. Over the weekend, we had about 4 hours of quality conversation about homosexuality and faith and virtue.

My father is the bishop of the LDS congregation in our little Montana town, and consistent with what you would expect from him, the counsel was to remain faithful to the commandments of God as we have them through Church leaders and the scriptures. What I didn't expect from him was so much listening. My father has always been a leader and he's perceptive, wise...and quite conservative. He shared his feelings and thoughts as fitted the conversation; but along with his input, I recognized that he was intently and thoughtfully listening to my sharing of experiences and my lessons I learned over the past year. Not only did he listen, but he responded to these experiences and lessons in a manner that was original in comparison to his past. What I mean to say is that his responses weren't derived from the religious conservative standard that is often his platform; rather, his responses were clearly coming from dialectic thought and true-life experiences.

Since she read the letter, my mother has expressed nothing but care, concern, and a desire to help and love and support. She's expressed her belief in Church teachings and her faith in God and His involvement in our lives, but she also made clear that no matter what happens in the future, I'll always be her son. Over the last weekend, my mother was continuously open to and engaged in understanding the experiences and ideas I was sharing. She, along with my father, agreed that there is so much that we don't know and that some of what we think we know for certain is, in reality, only assumed. I can feel how hard my mother is trying to understand what is happening. She is also so very desirous to be involved in the experiences and changes along my path.

It is very clear that I'm fortunate. I don't think that I could have scripted this better than it happened. I'm so grateful that my parents are so open to understanding the changes that I'm going through.

I recently was accepted to graduate school in NYC at Long Island University. I'm headed to AZ in two days for work. I've got an indescribably rare friend and confidant in Hillary. I've got such a wonderful family that is so open to me. I've got good health and great opportunities to bike, run, and swim. I'm free to write my story as each day dawns. Sometimes, I feel quite intimidated with all the stuff that I (and everybody else) face...but, with all these things, how can a person not feel an electric anticipation and excitement for the future - whatever it brings. Yeah?

A Runner's High :)

2009-03-25T14:50:00.011-06:00

Sorry, but this post isn't all too deep. I just got back from Washington, D.C. where Hillary and I ran in the National Marathon. I was still suffering from the post-coming out grief and regret. It stayed with me till the morning of the marathon, but when we woke at 4:30 am to take the metro to the start of the race, my jitters were all adrenalin and excitement for the longest run of my life (so far... ;) ). At mile marker 26, I was soooooo euphoric and goofily happy...I really felt like I had taken oxycotton or morphine. Opioids (like heroin) increase your endorphins a lot and your endorphins block pain and give you a feeling of euphoria. Oh, baby, I was on an endorphin HIGH!!! Wow, I loved the race. I passed the 13.1 mile (half-way) at 92 minutes with a pace of 7 mins per mile. My legs started to get really tight at mile 15 and I had to slow down a lot for the last 11 miles. I finished in 3:48. I listened to fun music the whole way while I watched the beautiful scenery of downtown D.C. The sun was out, there was no wind, and the temperature was cool - I couldn't have asked for better conditions. As I came up on the finish line, I felt an urge to sprint for it, but I was wise and refrained from changing anything about my stride. As soon as I crossed the line, my legs locked up for a minute before I was able to go for drinks and food. Wow, it was so funny and FUN!!! On the plane ride home, I sat next to the most incredible mother of two adopted children. We chatted for hours about personality theories and parenting and worldviews. Yep, you could say that it was an incredible weekend. For sure. As a side note, I was invited by my Holladay friends to a weekend in Puerto Rico...but instead, I went to DC for the marathon. Even though I would have loved Puerto Rico, I'm glad I went to DC with Hillary.

P.S. My dad and I are talking more now. He even said that he's excited to come down and see me and talk with me in person. He said that he's eager for it. I'm a lucky person. I better not forget that. :-)

The Reaction

2009-03-18T09:33:00.007-06:00

Well, I sent the letter to my parents on Wednesday morning after I called them and asked them if they would be ok with me sending them a "pretty important and impactful letter." My mom wanted me to just tell them what's up over the phone, but I told her that she would have to be patient for the letter and that the letter would explain everything. They said, "yes, send it." So I sent it Wednesday morning and it was guaranteed to arrive Friday afternoon.

Thursday night, like usual, I stayed at my friend's place in Holladay. It's practically where I live these days. I got 2 hours of sleep because I was just too anxious. I went to the grocery store at 2am because it was the only thing open and I sat into one of those automated blood pressure machines and my bp was 143/87! It's usually 90/50. I felt it in every part of me. My capillaries were screaming for me to calm down! ;) Then Friday night, after I hadn't heard anything from my parents, I called my sister to ask her if mom and dad were at home or if they were out of town for the evening. She said that they were at home and that they seemed to be normal...so, I knew they had read the letter...but no call...was that good or bad? I knew I couldn't do anything about it, so I just tried to forget about it-which proved to be absolutely impossible.

That evening, I went to a house party with my Holladay friends (they knew about the letter and the timetable and all). I was soooooooo grateful for these guys. The next morning, they told me about how every little bit, I would kinda go quiet and my eyes would go distant and they knew I was picturing what was going on with my mom and dad...and their possible reactions... These friends didn't just care about what was going on, they cared for me enough to be really perceptive and every time my eyes went distant, someone would come over and talk with me about my worries or anything else. It was sooo incredible that they not only professed their care verbally, but that they were sincere in it enough to pay close attention to me during the night. Even though I tried really hard to stay upbeat and fun, they watched for the times when I was starting to feel really sad and they would come over and make sure that I didn't feel alone through the evening. Thanks to heaven for these friends. Wow. I didn't sleep a wink that night...not at all. I stayed over in Holladay and the friend I shared the bed with stayed up with me the whole night and we talked and laughed like there was no tomorrow. Stories (true or false), jokes, plans, dreams, wishes, regrets, longings, and philosophies. We covered it all. Yep, sooo grateful for dear friends. How can you not be?

Saturday morning, I had the Rex Lee 5k to run at 9am. So, without any sleep the previous night and only two hours the night before, I ran the race. There was frost on the ground even by the finish of the race! Ahhhh, that was cold! I was happy with my time and I had that great endorphin - happy feeling you get after a great competition. My mom had called while I was running the race - her message said that she knew from my sister that I was running...it wished me luck and told me to call her back after I finished. Because I ran hard, I was exhausted when I called her so our conversation was not very long. We talked about the race for a minute or so, then we went quiet...waiting for someone to breach the subject of the letter - of me being gay. She said that her and dad read the letter - that when it was done, they looked at each other and knew that it was true. It wasn't something that they were suspecting, but after reading the letter and remembering things from my childhood and the conversations we had had over the last year, they knew that what I said about myself, my feelings, my nature, and my attractions was the truth. She said that I had to know that they still loved me and that they always would. My mom said that my dad took the confession really hard - we couldn't pretend that I was going to have my family with 10 kids and all that I had wanted. I was coughing from running such a cold race, so my mom told me to go get a warm shower and some rest and to call her later on in the day.

My mom and I are talking daily again and it's not often that we talk about the letter or it's subject matter. I'm really happy about that. She called me on Sunday morning and it was a few minutes before I could understand what she was saying because she was crying so hard. She said that she was sitting in church waiting for the sacrament when she became so emotional that she got up and left church because she just couldn't contain herself. She said that she became so upset when she thought about the journey I've had over the past year and how hard that must have been. We talked about trials and learning and awakenings that challenge long-held beliefs. We talked about unquestioned faith and questioned faith as well as unchallenged faith and challenged faith. After about an hour, we were laughing some and we both felt so much better. Now, our conversations and interaction is normal again...but deeper. I'm grateful for it, very grateful.

I hope someday, I can become the kind of individual that my father is. He's strong, he's focused on integrity and honest conduct, and he greatly values kindness and compassion. My dad and I have spoken once since he read the letter. He called me and asked for some time to process things. My mom told me on Sunday that dad has been taking this really hard. I have only ever seen my dad cry twice - both times he was talking about how much he loved and missed his mother who died of Lupus when he was in Germany on his mission. When mom said that dad was taking this really hard, it made me hurt. I believe that we'll have a quality relationship in spite of this, but I worry that a good quality relationship will have to exist in spite of this - not along with or because of this. Only time will tell. I told my dad that it's taken me a very long time to process this part of my life, a very long time. I told him that I knew that it would take time to understand this news and what it means for us and the future. I said that I was prepared to and committed to be patient and understanding of his need for time. So...I wait. I wait and hope that he isn't hurting. I wait and wish that we didn't have to be in this position. I wait and remember that he's a wise father with an enormous soul - that this isn't his first rodeo, even if it is a bit unique. I know he loves me and that that's why this is so hard for him - that it's why he needs time.

Thank you to my parents for being wise in their reception of this letter. Thank you to my friends here in Provo and SLC for their support and attention over these past couple of weeks. Thank you to our blogging family for your love and support and advice and encouragement. I've said it before and I mean it as sincerely now as ever, I could not do this without dear friends who truly love me and care enough to make themselves known. I've got a marathon in DC this weekend. It'll be so nice to just run and feel love and health and gratitude. I have been blessed, no doubt about it.

Coming Out to My Parents

2009-03-10T14:02:00.010-06:00

So, here's the final draft. The additions are in another color. I took a few things out to avoid repetition and make things a little more clear. I'm sending it out tomorrow along with a copy of In Quiet Desperation and a little note with the Matis' number and instructions to read their part and call them if they feel it would be helpful. Thank you all so much for your advice and encouragement. It's been an emotional few days and it's only getting worse...the time to come out has arrived. I'll definately write about how it all goes. Wow, I'm afraid...afraid of the tears and pain and hurt that this is going to involve. I know my parents will always love me, no matter what gets said. I would not be able to do it if i didn't have such incredible and extra-ordinary friends, I just couldn't do it alone. Feel it deeply that if you're reading this, I've felt your support. Thank you.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dear Mom and Dad,

Hi… So, until recently, I was always absolutely convinced that I would never write this letter or have this talk with you. I’ve told Hillary and my bishop and then there are the people I’ve met in the coming out process, but it’s time to be open with you.

I need to take a quick moment and explain the reasons that I decided to write a letter instead of talking with you in person or over the phone. First, this is a long letter and it contains a lot of information. You can read it slowly, read it two or three or more times, or take a break if you want. With a conversation, when it’s over, it’s over and there’s nothing tangible that we can go back to for review, clarification, or validation. Second, this gives us opportunity to let the information settle before we react. Reading this letter, and for me writing this letter, we’re able to cry, curse, laugh, or do anything else we need to do. With conversations, it’s face to face. There’s also the possibility that emotions will give way to misunderstandings that create unnecessary concerns or prompt ill-founded comments… – this way, we’re able to let things settle. The last reason is that this is hard. I can look at my computer screen and type the contents of my heart and mind, but I don’t know that I could look into your faces and share it. You know that I love you and that you are my great confidants. I respect your ideas and opinions and I treasure the virtues and values you’ve taught me. I think it’s because of how much I love you and how highly I esteem the things you’ve taught me that I don’t want to do this in person. Do understand though, that I fully expect to talk with you about this over the phone and in person. I just felt that it would be most helpful to breach the surface with a letter…so, here goes.
.

As I write this letter and as you read it, we’ve got to agree to do something. Let us speak, remember, and see truly. I have to chuckle for a moment, because there is so much that we’ve moved past and put behind or under us—things that we’d rather not remember; but, for me, in writing this letter and for you, in reading this letter, our minds will frequently (and appropriately) be called to remember some of those things that we’ve all but forgotten. It is necessary for us to be honest and willing to see what has been and what is. I’m gay—what I’m supposed to desire and experience relative to girls, I experience about guys.

First, I’m going to elaborate on the present situation, and then I’ll tell you about how things have evolved to the present. So. . .gay. Again, what that means is that the things I’m supposed to feel for girls, I only feel it for guys. It’s sad that I’ve got to clarify this, but society’s stereotypes of homosexuals requires elaboration—you guys know that I’m not a pedophile, and I’m not hyper-sexual or confused. I’ve finally come to terms with what I feel, I know what it means; now, the only question is what I’m going to do about it. I’m sure that you feel surprised when I say that I’m not sure what I’ll do about it.

The obvious and easy answer is to fix it and move on to marriage and a family—that’s the purpose of this life; so, God will help us to achieve it, right? Well, that’s not the case. Please understand that I’ve put that belief to the test for the last 15 or so years—as long as I’ve been aware of experiencing this. Pre-mission, on the mission, at the MTC, at ANASAZI. . .I’ve tried pleading, deals, compromising, threatening, patience and every other possibility. Homosexuality is not heal-able.

It’s not a sickness. The church has altered its position regarding "changing" homosexuals. Decades ago, Spencer Kimball wrote: "Certainly it can be overcome, for there are numerous happy people who were once involved in its clutches and who have since completely transformed their lives. Therefore to those who say that this practice or any other evil is incurable, I respond: ‘How can you say the door cannot be opened until your knuckles are bloody, till your head is bruised, till your muscles are sore?’ It can be done." In the present day, the church acknowledges that homosexuals "may not be free of this challenge in this life" and that marriage should not be seen as a means of treating or changing someone (from the Church pamphlet God Loveth His Children). All I want to say with this is that I don’t loathe myself for feeling this way anymore, I’m not trying to hide it anymore, and I’m not trying to change myself anymore—through faith in God or therapy or any other means.

I’d like to tell you about the way things are for me now-a-days. So, here it is:
- I believe that our prophets and apostles are called of God in the very way and for the very purpose that we have always believed—namely that they are His authorized and appointed leaders for His children.
- I believe that we, as a church in general, assume too much. I think that God has given us a skeleton of knowledge and we’ve added flesh to it. I don’t blame anybody, but I think that’s what we’ve done with all our time and pondering and philosophizing.
- I believe that we don’t know for certain how God feels about homosexuality. It’s clear that even our prophets don’t know God’s final feelings on the subject. From the changes in the church’s official position over the last 50 years, we can easily divine that God is revealing to His prophets only as much on the subject as His children are willing to accept—kind of like African Americans and the priesthood.
- I also know that I love the church and the values it’s instilled in me. More than anything, I value the great awakenings that I’ve received under the tutelage of the church. God exists and He loves us. Christ’s offering of Himself provides opportunity for us, as long as we’re willing, to prepare ourselves for an existence with him and others that we love. And as long as I am willing, I can be close to and in contact with God, thereby providing a means with which He can guide me in the walkings of this life.
- Last, I know that I experience something about guys that I can’t experience about girls. I tried; I’ve been marriage serious with two amazing women. I never kissed them; as a matter of fact, I haven’t kissed a girl since Jasper kissed me when I was 15. That’s the only girl kiss I’ve had. I want to marry a girl. I wish I was straight. Wow, things’d be easier. . .but, that thinking has sent me into serious depression too many times. I won’t do it anymore. I tried reparative therapy for 5 months last year and I won’t ever try to change myself again. I can’t. It’s something I cannot do.

What’ll I do then? … I don’t know. I love you. I am the same person I’ve always been—I haven’t changed at all. I love the church and the standards of morality it teaches. And I will not strip myself of integrity or morals by being a lustful or promiscuous person.

I started a journal last year when I finally faced this and quit denying that it was there. Following are excerpts from that journal. You can see the changes I’ve gone through. The overall pattern of change goes from:
- enthusiasm for changing quickly and moving on with life as a fixed man to

- depression from failing to change to

- depression for sinning to

- depression from feeling completely helpless to

- accepting that I am who I am and there are some things I can’t change to

- finally being happy with who I am and deciding that I’ll be happy with whatever I end up doing because it’ll be me who chooses it and I won’t choose anything that is less than wonderful.
.
Here are a few excerpts:

April 16, 2008

The last two weeks have been really different, pretty difficult, and absolutely terrifying. . .I’m trying to figure it out. I was invited by a few close friends to come to a meeting that was held for people dealing with same gender attraction (SGA). I went, telling my friends that I was there to support others and that I was really interested in the issue; all the while, thinking that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to be there because I might end up facing my own long hidden SGA issue. And face it, I did—for the first time ever. It’s terrifying!
Long ago, on the mission, I made a promise to the Lord that the testimonial experiences that He had given me would never be discarded. That I would always know what He had given me to know: that He loves me and is always ready to take me in and comfort and heal me; that He is in control and as long as I keep my choices true to what I know He wants me to do, I am where he foresaw me to be and therefore safe in his hands; and that repentance is the way to become right again and is a gift given by Christ to all who will use it. I will forever keep that promise. I’ve come to accept that some challenges will never go away, but I have a real hope that the Lord sees the end of our mortal journeys and will lead us to the best exit. So, this journal will chronicle a new beginning in life, and the places it leads me.
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April 19, 2008

I surpassed the nerves and worries and started talking with a couple of guys over the phone and on Facebook chat and eventually decided to do lunch with couple of them. Just try to imagine the meeting. I totally wasn’t sure what kind of discussion they were thinking of and the same visa versa. There were definitely a few um’s and silences at first, but then, we started talking pretty freely. Some of it was about our shared problem and some of it was about anything. It felt pretty good to be talking for real and not hiding anything.
Now, I know this sounds quite random and, knowing that the three of us who met up have the same sga issue, kind of gay. Well. . .random it was, but gay it wasn’t. You’ve gotta know this. The main reason that I wanted to meet up with these guys is because they’ve been traveling this road of dealing with sga longer than me and they had both, via email, mentioned that their real goal was to have a real family of their own and be good, faithful husbands and fathers. I, too, have no greater desire. Instead of this being some homo-indulging fun time, we really felt safe knowing that we shared this common ailment and common goal. Safe is a very great way to feel, especially when it is so rare.

May 3, 2008

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote. And quite a lot has happened. With regard to "coming out" (it feels odd using that term) I wasn’t even entertaining the possibility of it, but because of my new friends who are helping me, I came to the feeling that it would be good to talk to my two closest friends about it. Both are girls I dated and I truly loved them both-and still do. I also talked with my bishop about it and tried to talk with my little sister (we’re really close) but that didn’t go quite how I was hoping—she didn’t believe me. . .haha. I guess, that’ll just mean that I’m keeping it to the two close friends that I’ve told and be happy with that. Kind of a count your blessings thing. So, now, three people know. All in all, coming out was so good. I think it does two things. It helps you to understand that you’re not as bad of a person as you came to believe, and it allows you to honor your true friendships in that you include your friends and allow their help and love and support to lift you from being so far down. Hopefully, you find out that they still love you and think well of you in spite of this thing.

June 14, 2008
Hmmm. It’s been too long. Since I last wrote, I’ve messed up some. Boy, I’m really sorry for that. I’m at the point now to where I don’t know if I should just throw up my hands with this or whether I should keep fighting. “Throw up my hands” doesn’t mean “embrace homosexuality.” It just means “drop the issue and try to live life aside of it.” I know it won’t go away, but I don’t think it’ll do any good to turn a lot of attention to achieving progress—especially when I don’t even know what kind of progress to achieve. By throwing up my hands, the pathway I’m living life on will no longer be measured by success or failure in being gay or straight. I’m not sure whether this is a bad case of give-it-up-itis or whether it’s smart…or both. Whatever it is, I’m doing it.
I just don’t know. Maybe we’re not supposed to fix every broken thing in life. Maybe, we’re supposed to do the most possible good with what we have. Maybe, these broken things are the very same things that will enable us to achieve greater levels of service that would otherwise be impossible. Maybe, we’re not all supposed to have the “traditional” life here. . .or maybe it’ll just happen a little later on. And along with that, what can we hope to become without learning to deny or control our passions…ourselves? Maybe, we should just do what we can, find happiness where it is now, and hope (sometimes blindly) that the rest will work out according to some/the divine plan…
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June 28, 2008

Things have been kind of confusing lately. Someday, I’ll have a family. God asks us to remember the things that He’s taught us—to remember them in such a way that we can make decisions based on those teachings even if we aren’t filled with a burning belief in them at the time that the decision needs to be made. If once, long ago, we learned, undeniably, that in spite of our wrongs, God was willing to guide us out of our dangerous corners to light, happiness, and destined callings, then we can rest assured that the same is the case now. . .and forever. For a bit of humor and irony, a quote from The Boondock Saints fits to end this entry: "The question is not how far. The question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far as is needed?"

Sometimes, I don’t think I posses it; sometimes, I think otherwise; and then again, sometimes, I just don’t think about it cause it feels better not to. Sometimes, I don’t think I can do what I know I should. . .or more truthfully said, sometimes, I don’t do what I know Heavenly Father would help me to do because I lack the heart to continue to try. . .that is, if I’m being totally honest. But, sometimes, I remember what I’ve experienced and the awakenings and testimonies that God has shared to me. . .and I make choices based on what I know I once knew. . .and I do better.
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June 29, 2008

It’d be so nice if they knew; but then again, would it? I did a little imagining of what it would be like if my family knew. . .. . .. . .It was horrible. I was really starting to consider telling my parents and maybe some others. . . but no, not after tonight’s imagination exercise. I hate feeling like I’m falling away from my family. Maybe I can fix this distance problem without disclosing anything. Our relationship has been excellent in the past. Maybe we can get that back. It just seems that now, the hardest issue I’ve ever known—the one that kicks my butt; the one that’s been the source of the greatest fear, shame, and uncertainty of my life; the one that I need help most in—I have to hide. . .
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July 25, 2008

I took a really well-placed vacation. Three weeks—one on the bike in Montana with my family and two in Alaska with very dear friends. I decided that it would be a complete hiatus from all the things that were on the table in my mind. It proved to be a little more difficult to clear that table than I had expected, but I did it. Now that I’m nearing the end of the trip, I’m allowing stuff back onto my mind’s table one issue by one.
Here they are: 1. I am still ashamed and sick for experiencing same gender attraction. When I talk with anybody about this, I feel so gay. I would never want anybody to feel offended that I associate so many negative feelings with that term, but I can’t call myself gay and not be very offset and upset. 2. I was on a walk tonight and I realized that I feel like I went too far in coming out to myself. I’ve been allowing myself to say that I’m gay. I don’t think that I’m going to say that anymore. I’m going to stop it at saying that I experience strong same-gender attraction (sga) and that it’s really an obstacle for me. 3. Should I fix things or change or correct these attractions before I try to move forward, or should I just move forward? If I try to do the former, then I feel like I’m not making any progress and I’m starting t get stagnant; and like stagnant water, I begin rotting. If I do the latter, then am I setting myself up for disaster down the road for not fixing the problem or am I just saying "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down!"?
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September 18, 2008

Every time I had ever changed stations in life or moved it was because of the same feeling inside me that was so clear in directing where to go and what I was to do there. As long as I followed it, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to be doing. When I left Arizona, I knew where I was supposed to go—UT, and I knew what I was supposed to do—go to school, but I had no idea why.
For two years in AZ, I had been engaged in as good a cause and effective a cause as that when I was a missionary. Why was I supposed to move back to UT where I had previously crashed in stress, anxiety, and trouble? Well, in April of this year, I went to my first Matis meeting (a supportive kind of evening for gay or lesbian LDS members). I finally started to deal with my homosexual feelings. All the sudden, I knew that this was the reason I was supposed to move to UT. I had to deal with it.
Now, after all the events of the last five months, I’m asking, "What was God thinking?" I’m so lost and wandering. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m going to finish psychology, get my license, and help young people; but, aside from those outward things, I have no idea where I am or where I’m going or how to have the heart and ability to do what I feel I’m supposed to. . . I feel completely empty, pointless, and lifeless. Why?
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September 29, 2008
I remember when I was working with others that were experiencing trials and challenges, I would say to them that they needed to focus on things that they both wanted to change and could change. Worrying about anything else was not only futile and wasteful, but harmful and destructive. Well, it’s plain to see that I need someone to share that very principle with me. I’ve been concerning myself so strongly with changing things that I can’t change that I haven’t even had safe control over things I could influence or change for the better. After thinking about the good fortune I experience in life, I thought about some of my most cherished memories, including touring the museums in Washington, DC, with Hill. In one museum of art, there were tons of quotes on the walls accompanying masterful paintings. One of the quotes was from Carl Schurz: "Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the ocean desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them, you reach your destiny." I think I’ve been following my feet—or at least looking down all the time while saying that I’m trying to follow the stars. Yeah, doesn’t work.
I think he means that we’ve got to stay focused on the things that we do want and can accomplish and not let ourselves be distracted or turned from our path by other seemingly valid concerns—concerns that we might be able to affect, but that would prove to be less important than the grand plans and ideals that we chase and could otherwise be accomplishing if we would but stay focused. So, I’ll spend the next while working on understanding how best to stay focused on the stars and be guided by ideals. Of course, it’ll be a process; but perhaps, it’ll be the reminder that I need to recall to me the way of being I once had—the one that brings joy and fullness to work and relationships, and love and life.

October 13, 2008

April will be the one year mark from when I admitted to SGA. I have nightmares sometimes that my family finds me out. It’s going to happen someday. I don’t have a partner and I don’t ever plan to, but being single for too long is just about as much of a give-away. At any rate, the other questions and evidences will eventually give me up. But, I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, no?
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October 23, 2008

Something dawned on me the other day. I need a different purpose in life—a new something for my mortal existence to culminate in. I mean, shoot, there is no other right life aside from the track of baptism, priesthood, mission, married, and children. That’s the purpose of life! or was. . . Well, I thought about it for a while, and I decided it was OK if my life’s culminating purpose—the thing that I could say was my mark for having lived—was my work with adolescents and their families. I hope that doesn’t sound a mediocre answer, cause in no way do I hope to have only a mediocre impact on a mediocre number of individuals. I thought, "If I don’t have a family, then all the time that would have gone to them can now go to my work. The people I work with can be my family and expanding and building that business bigger and bigger so as to increase our capacity to help more and more families could be my life and the thing that I invest my heart into."
My question to the critic would only be: "What else am I going to do with it?" I see that this is quite idealistic, but "ideals are like stars," right? I mean, I’m not foolish enough to believe that things will turn out just like I see them in my detailed daydreams; but, that’s not to say that they can’t actually turn out to be better than the dreams. The biggest reason for failing, I think, is because people fail to dream and then believe in themselves. And again, I can see that this is a stretch, but it’s what I’ll shoot for. So, something good is that I might have found a new purpose in life.
However, I am still afraid of the future. . .of me in the future. I’m afraid that I’ll become someone that I’ll regret, or that I’ll regret living alone, or that I’ll regret marrying, or that I’ll regret something I didn’t want to write. I know what I want, I know what is true, and I know where I should be. . .but knowing all those things has never precluded me from making grave mistakes. It always comes down to that moment when you face the decision. I think it’s that moment that I’m afraid of. No matter what I want or know or see for a hundred days in a row, that moment is decided by what I am able to see then and there. I’m afraid because I don’t have a good track record. I’m a wild card, even to me. I feel like a coward by saying all this, or like a person that plans to fail, or like a premature quitter. But I’d be a liar if I was to say that I know what will happen or that I know I’ll be where I’m supposed to be in 2, 5, or 10 years.
Don’t misunderstand, I don’t question my testimony; I don’t question my love for God and Christ; I don’t question prophets, revelation, leadership, or the power of faith. I question that moment and me in it. I’ve just learned from so many other experiences. . .that no matter how I feel now, I can’t tell you for sure what will happen at that moment. I’m afraid of not being where I should be some day down the road when I stop and take a look around and then look at myself. Well, with all the above drama, let me just say that I’m not in a crisis. I love my friends, I love my family, I like my work, and I really don’t like my classes. So, I guess I’m normal, right?. . . maybe I am.

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February 9, 2009

I turned 26 today. My first thought this morning was that I should have accomplished more by now than I have. I’m still working on my undergrad and I’ve not really done anything of great or lasting consequence. I promise I’ve stayed really busy and I’ve tried to leave a good mark everywhere I go. On the other hand, I do take great comfort in what I have inter-personally—in who my friends are. Hillary said that she thought that the quality of my friends was a reflection of me. I half agree—I think it’s as much good fortune/God’s blessing that my friends are so incredible, uncommon, and heart-filled as it is a reflection on me. I’m unarguably a very fortunate person.
Yoga, running, basketball, volleyball, lifting, classes, work, and church. That’s me—week in and week out. I’m loving it so much. For the most part, I’ve really been on cloud nine for January and the start of February (November and December were darker and more horrific that I believed possible). There are a few things that slow me down here and there, but not for long. All my grad school apps are in and I’m waiting anxiously for a word. It could drive me nuts, but I’m staying busy enough to get by. I kind of feel like I’m in limbo—waiting for the transition period to wherever I go to school. I start to make plans for this or that, but then I remember that it’s all contingent on what happens with grad school. So, yeah, it is driving me nuts.
I don’t have a boyfriend and it’s been that way since the end of December. That’s good. I don’t have a girlfriend either. ;) I suppose that’s good as well. I am still unsure of what will happen. Fortunately, the unsurity isn’t for the same reasons as before (see the latter half of October 23rd’s entry). It’s because I want two opposite things so strongly and yet equally. I have friends who decided to be in relationships and I feel so happy for them and I think they’re such incredibly great and golden people—but how would I feel about me if I found that kind of happiness? I want that so badly. . . A fulfilling relationship—like what happily married people experience. . .I want that. Or, what if I married the woman I love? Right now, there isn’t a soul, man or woman, I am happier to be with or love more than Hillary. Really, that’s the bare and full truth. But, I know that can’t happen. It’s unhealthy, inappropriate, selfish or otherwise purely wrong for gay people to try to force a marital relationship—that’s how they end in heartache for entire families.
Otherwise and for the most part, I’m really doing great. I feel like I’m walking in an open meadow and I’m so so grateful and peaceful. There have been a couple hiccups here and there but all really is well. I feel so full of love for everyone I spend time with and for all that I correspond with. My heart feels full because of thoughts of my friends who have offered support to me in times of deep confusion or despair. There’s a good way to put a smile on my face. . .
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***
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That’s a lot of journal entries, no? I put them there so you could understand what’s happened over the last year. Mom, you said that I’ve really changed over the last year. Yeah, I have. I wish with every part of myself that I hadn’t. I wish even more that I was normal. I’d be married happily and probably with children. . .you’d be grandparents! But, like I said above, I’m not going to do that anymore—I’m not going to wish like that anymore.

I’m sure that this leaves tons of questions unanswered. When you are ready to ask them, I’m here.

Please think hard if you feel to guide me to work on change. I believe we’d find ourselves at an impasse. It’s taken me a full year of pain, hurt, friendships, guidance, struggling, mistakes, and wandering to bring me to where I’m at—to a feeling of acceptance and readiness to move on with a different life than I had forever anticipated and expected.
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I know that I need to be patient and I promise to be very patient for us. It definitely takes time to wrap your mind around it. But, do feel assured that things are ok and that they’re going to remain that way. I’m healthy, most often happy, and prepared to move forward with a very productive life.

What am I lacking? Everyone has challenges and mysteries to solve. . .of course I’m not going to be an exception to that. The future? Well, we can’t write it now, so let’s cross those bridges when we come to them. Let’s take this slowly. Anna is getting married in the temple and that is reason enough to be incredibly happy. Let’s see this as a side story to Anna’s marriage. Really, that’s where it belongs.

Please don’t tell any extended family. If you want the girls to know, please let me tell them. If you want to keep this between us three for now, that’s ok too. I love you guys. I’m me, the same one you’ve always known. When you go to sleep tonight, remember that I love you and we’re really fortunate to have each other. I love you.
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At the close of this letter, I would like to say one thing. If after reading this, you feel concerns that I’m going to do something or say something that you would have previously considered inconsistent with me and my character, understand that I have not changed and that I am exactly the same person you knew yesterday. I’ve not been pretending or faking my personality. I’m still me. I love riding, running, sports, shooting, hunting, cars, mud, travel, psychology, you, Sari, Celia, Anna, Allie, and Tux. That’s all unchangeable. I love you guys. Don’t let this bring you down much. We’re not unstable, in crisis or in need of immediate action. Take your time, forget about it and go to a movie if it’d help. In the words of the great purple dinosaur that Anna brought us all to hate, “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family.”

Really mom and dad, the reason for this letter is that I now understand that this is not going away and it’s not right for me to do this alone. Just like the whole cancer scare, I try to keep this un-fun stuff to myself, but that’s not ok. I love you sooo much and I’m so fortunate and blessed to have you. I’m healthy, you’re healthy. I’m safe and you’re safe. Call me whenever you’d like, ask whatever you’d like. Call Hillary if you feel it. I love you.

Sincerely,
Your son,

Roberto

P.S. First, it’s not your fault. I don’t think you’ll blame yourselves, but if you try, understand that there is nowhere to point the blame. Things are ok. Second, I will always stay in the Church. I love the Church and what it stands for and how it helps me. Rest assured, I love God and I’m forever grateful for the Church and for the way you two have stuck with and raised me. You could have handed me over to the juvi system and I’ll never forget that you kept me.

I'm going to come out. Ideas?

2009-03-02T09:33:00.010-07:00

So, I've been working on a letter to my parents. I don't know if I'm actually going to send it. Here it is. It's really long. I'm thinking of sending them this letter and a copy of the first part of In Quiet Desperation - the Matis' part of the book. I might see them in early April, and I think it'd be nice to tell them soon and then they'll have a few weeks to let things settle before we see each other. I'm posting this because I really need anything that you can share...and because something this significant just has to be part of my little online journal. I'm so frazzled right now because of the anxiety and anticipation...it's like when you're cliff jumping - the anticipation is worse than the jump! Wow, I'm sure my blood pressure has been elevate 20 mmHg for the last week. I really feel it.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Hi. So, until recently, I was always absolutely convinced that I would never write this letter or have this talk with you. I've told Hillary and my bishop and then there's the people I've met in the coming out process, but it's time to be honest with you. As I write this letter and as you read it, we've got to agree to do something. Let us speak, remember, and see truly. I have to chuckle for a moment, because there is so much that we've moved past and put behind or under us - things that we'd rather not remember; but, for me, in writing this letter and for you, in reading this letter, our minds will frequently and appropriately be called to remember some of those things that we've all but forgotten. It is necessary for us to be honest and willing to see what has been and what is. I'm gay - what I'm supposed to desire and experience relative to girls, I experience about guys.

First, I'm going to elaborate on the present situation, and then I'll tell you about how things have evolved to the present. So...gay. Again, what that means is that the things I'm supposed to feel for girls, I only feel it for guys. It's sad that I've got to clarify this, but society's stereotypes of homosexuals requires elaboration - You guys know that I'm not a pedophile, and I'm not hyper-sexual or confused. I've finally come to terms with what I feel, I know what it means, the only question is what I'm going to do about it. I'm sure that you feel surprised when I say that I'm not sure what I'll do about it. The obvious and easy answer is to fix it and move on to marriage and a family - that's the purpose of this life; so, God will help us to achieve that, right? Well, that's not the case. Please understand that I've put that belief to the test for the last 15 or so years - as long as I've been aware of experiencing this. Pre-mission, on the mission, at the MTC, at ANASAZI...I've tried pleading, deals, compromising, threatening, patience and every other possibility. Homosexuality is not heal-able. It's not a sickness. The church has altered it's position regarding "changing" the homosexuals. Decades ago, Spencer Kimball wrote: "Certainly it can be overcome, for there are numerous happy people who were once involved in its clutches and who have since completely transformed their lives. Therefore to those who say that this practice or any other evil is incurable, I respond: 'How can you say the door cannot be opened until your knuckles are bloody, till your head is bruised, till your muscles are sore?' It can be done." In the present day, the church acknowledges that homosexuals "may not be free of this challenge in this life" and that marriage should not be seen as a means of treating or changing someone. All I want to say with this is that I don't loath myself for feeling this way anymore, I'm not trying to hide it anymore, and I'm not trying to change myself anymore - through faith in God or therapy or any other means. I'd like to tell you about the way things are for me now-a days. So, here it is:
- I believe that our prophets and apostles are called of God in the very way and for the very purpose that we have always believed - namely that they are His authorized and appointed leaders for His children.
- I believe that we, as a church in general, assume too much. I think that God has given us a skeleton of knowledge and we've added flesh to it. I don't blame anybody, but I think that's what we've done with all our time and pondering and philosophizing.
- I believe that we don't know for certain how God feels about homosexuals. It's clear that even our prophets don't know God's final feelings on the subject. From the changes in the church's official position over the last 50 years, we can easily divine that God is revealing to His prophets only as much on the subject as His children are willing to accept - kinda like African Americans and the priesthood.
- I also know that I love the church and the values it's instilled in me. More than anything, I value the great awakenings that I've received under the tutelage of the church. God exists and He loves us. Christ's offering of Himself provides opportunity for us, as long as we're willing, to prepare ourselves for an existence with him and others that we love. And as long as I am willing, I can be close to and in contact with God, thereby providing a means with which He can guide me in the walkings of this life.
- Last, I know that I love guys like I can't love girls. I tried, I've been marriage serious with two amazing women. I never kissed them, as a matter of fact, I haven't kissed a girl since Jasper kissed me when I was 15. That's the only girl kiss I've had. I want to marry a girl. I wish I was straight. Wow, things'd be easier...but, that thinking has sent me into serious depression too many times. I won't do it any more. I tried reparative therapy for 5 months last year and I won't ever try to change myself again. I can't. It's something I can not do.

What'll I do then? I don't know. I love you. I am the same person I've always been - I haven't changed at all. I love the church and the standards of morality it teaches (homosexuality excepted). And I will not strip myself of integrity or morals by being a lustful or promiscuous person.

I started a journal last year when I finally faced this and quit denying that it was there. Following are excerpts from this journal. You can see the changes I've gone through. The overall pattern of change goes from:
- an attitude of enthusiasm for changing quickly and moving on with life as a fixed man to
- depression from failing to change to
- depression for sinning to
- depression from feeling completely helpless to
- finally accepting that I am who I am and there are some things I can't change to
- finally being happy with who I am and deciding that I'll be happy with whatever I end up doing because it'll be me who chooses it and I won't choose anything that is less than wonderful.

Here are a few excerpts:

April 16, 2008
The last two weeks have been really different, pretty difficult, and absolutely terrifying...I'm trying to figure it out. I was invited by a few close friends to come to a meeting that was held for people dealing with same gender attraction (SGA). I went, telling my friends that I was there to support others and that I was really interested in the issue; all the while, thinking that maybe it wasn't a good idea to be there cause I might end up facing my own long hidden SGA issue. And face it, I did - for the first time ever. It's terrifying! Long ago, on the mission, I made a promise to the Lord that the testimonial experiences that He had given me would never be discarded. That I would always know what He had given me to know: that He loves me and is always ready to take me in and comfort and heal me; that He is in control and as long as I keep my choices true to what I know He wants me to do, I am where he foresaw me to be and therefore safe in his hands; and that repentance is the way to become right again and is a gift given by Christ to all who will use it. I will forever keep that promise. I've come to accept that some challenges will never go away, but I have a real hope that the Lord sees the end of our mortal journeys and will lead us to the best exit. So, this journal will chronicle a new beginning in life, and the places it leads me.

April 19, 2008
I surpassed the nerves and worries and started talking with a couple of guys over the phone and on facebook chat and eventually decided to do lunch with couple of them. Just try to imagine the meeting. I totally wasn't sure what kind of discussion they were thinking of and the same visa versa. There were definitely a few um's and silences at first, but then, we started talking pretty freely. Some of it was about our shared problem and some of it was about anything. It felt pretty good to be talking for real and not hiding anything. Now, I know this sounds quite random and, knowing that the three of us who met up have the same sga issue, kind of gay. Well...random it was, but gay it wasn't. You've gotta know this. The main reason that I wanted to meet up with these guys is cause they've been traveling this road of dealing with sga longer than me and they had both, via email, mentioned that their real goal was to have a real family of their own and be good, faithful husbands and fathers. I, too, HAVE NO GREATER DESIRE. Instead of this being some homo-indulging fun time, we really felt safe knowing that we shared this common ailment and common goal. Safe is a very great way to feel, especially when it is so rare.

May 3, 2008
It's been a few weeks since I last wrote. And quite a lot has happened. With regard to "coming out" (it feels odd using that term) I wasn't even entertaining the possibility of it, but because of my new friends who are helping me, I came to the feeling that it would be good to talk to my two closest friends about it. Both are girls I dated and I truly loved them both-and still do. I also talked with my bishop about it and tried to talk with my little sister (we're really close) but that didn't go quite how I was hoping - she didn't believe me...haha. I guess, that'll just mean that I'm keeping it to the two close friends that I've told and be happy with that. Kind of a count your blessings thing. So, now, three people know. All in all, coming out was so good. I think it does two things. It helps you to understand that you're not as bad of a person as you came to believe, and it allows you to honor your true friendships in that you include your friends and allow their help and love and support to lift you from being so far down. Hopefully, you find out that they still love you and think well of you in spite of this thing.

June 14, 2008
Hmmm. It’s been too long. Since I last wrote, I’ve messed up some. Boy, I’m really sorry for that. I’m at the point now to where I don’t know if I should just throw up my hands with this or whether I should keep fighting. “Throw up my hands” doesn’t mean “embrace homosexuality.” It just means “drop the issue and try to live life aside of it.” I know it won’t go away, but I don’t think it’ll do any good to turn a lot of attention to achieving progress—especially when I don’t even know what kind of progress to achieve. By throwing up my hands, the pathway I’m living life on will no longer be measured by success or failure in being gay or straight. I’m not sure whether this is a bad case of give-it-up-itis or whether it’s smart…or both. Whatever it is, I’m doing it. I just don't know. Maybe we’re not supposed to fix every broken thing in life. Maybe, we’re supposed to do the most possible good with what we have. Maybe, these broken things are the very same things that will enable us to achieve greater levels of service that would otherwise be impossible. Maybe, we’re not all supposed to have the “traditional” life here...or maybe it’ll just happen a little later on. And along with that, what can we hope to become without learning to deny or control our passions…ourselves? Please don’t think of me as trying to preach. The only person I’m trying to teach here is myself. Otherwise, I’d be bordering hypocrisy. Maybe, we should just do what we can, find happiness where it is now, and hope (sometimes blindly) that the rest will work out according to some/the divine plan…

June 28, 2008
Things have been kinda confusing lately. Someday, I'll have a family. God asks us to remember the things that He's taught us - to remember them in such a way that we can make decisions based on those teachings even if we aren't filled with a burning belief in them a the time that the decision needs to be made. If once, long ago, we learned, undeniably, that in spite of our wrongs, God was willing to guide us out of our dangerous corners to light, happiness, and destined callings, then we can rest assured that the same is the case now...and forever. For a bit of humor and irony, a quote from The Boondock Saints fits to end this entry: "The question is not how far. The question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far as is needed?" Sometimes, I don't think I posses it; sometimes, I think otherwise; and then again, sometimes, I just don't think about it cause it feels better not to. Sometimes, I don't think I can do what I know I should...or more truthfully said, sometimes, I don't do what I know Heavenly Father would help me to do because I lack the heart to continue to try...that is, if I'm being totally honest. But, sometimes, I remember what I've experienced and the awakenings and testimonies that God has shared to me...and I make choices based on what I know I once knew...and I do better.

June 29, 2008
It'd be so nice if they knew; but then again, would it? I did a little imagining of what it would be like if my family knew.........It was horrible. I was really starting to consider telling my parents and maybe some others... No, not after tonight's imagination exercise. I hate feeling like I'm falling away from my family. Maybe I can fix this distance problem without disclosing anything. Our relationship has been excellent in the past. Maybe we can get that back. It just seems that now, the hardest issue I've ever known - the one that kicks my butt; the one that's been the source of the greatest fear, shame, and uncertainty of my life; the one that I need help most in - I have to hide...

July 25, 2008
I took a really well-placed vacation. Three weeks - one on the bike in Montana with my family and two in Alaska with very dear friends. I decided that it would be a complete hiatus from all the things that were on the table in my mind. It proved to be a little more difficult to clear that table than I had expected, but I did it. Now that I'm nearing the end of the trip, I'm allowing stuff back onto my mind's table one issue by one. Here they are: 1. I am still ashamed and sick for experiencing same gender attraction. When I talk with anybody about this, I feel so gay. I would never want anybody to feel offended that I associate so many negative feelings with that term, but I can't call myself gay and not be very offset and upset. 2. I was on a walk tonight and I realized that I feel like I went too far in coming out to myself. I've been allowing myself to say that I'm gay. I don't think that I'm going to say that anymore. I'm going to stop it at saying that I experience strong same-gender attraction - sga - and that it's really an obstacle for me. 3. Should I fix things or change or correct these attractions before I try to move forward, or should I just move forward? If I try to do the former, then I feel like I'm not making any progress and I'm starting t get stagnant; and like stagnant water, I begin rotting. If I do the latter, then am I setting myself up for disaster down the road for not fixing the problem or am I just saying "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down!"?

September 18, 2008
Every time I had ever changed stations in life or moved, it was because of the same feeling inside me that was so clear in directing where to go and what I was to do there. As long as I followed it, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to be doing. When I left Arizona, I knew where I was supposed to go - UT, and I knew what I was supposed to do - go to school, but I had no idea why. For two years in AZ, I had been engaged in as good a cause and effective a cause as that when I was a missionary. Why was I supposed to move back to UT where I had previously crashed in stress, anxiety, and trouble? Well, in April of this year, I went to my first Matis meeting (a supportive kind of evening for gay or lesbian LDS members). I finally started to deal with my homosexual feelings. All the sudden, I knew that this was the reason I was supposed to move to UT. I had to deal with it. Now, after all the events of the last five months, I'm asking, "What was God thinking?" I'm so lost and wandering. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to finish psychology, get my license, and help young people; but, aside from those outward things, I have no idea where I am or where I'm going or how to have the heart and ability to do what I feel I'm supposed to... I feel completely empty, pointless, and lifeless. Why?

September 29, 2008
Today, I was thinking about the things that I have that I can be happy about. Dang, there's a lot. I've got some of the best friends, roommates, cousins, sisters and parents that a person could imagine. So what if I'm gay and can't seem to change it. I remember when I was working with others that were experiencing trials and challenges, I would say to them that they needed to focus on things that they both wanted to change and could change. Worrying about anything else was not only futile and wasteful, but harmful and destructive. Well, it's plain to see that I need someone to share that very principle with me. I've been concerning myself so strongly with changing things that I can't change that I haven't even had safe control over things I could influence or change for the better.
After thinking about the good fortune I experience in life, I thought about some of my most cherished memories, including touring the museums in Washington, DC, with Hill(ary). In one museum of art, there were tons of quotes on the walls accompanying masterful paintings. One of the quotes was from Carl Schurz: "Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the ocean desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them, you reach your destiny." I think I've been following my feet - or at least looking down all the time while saying that I'm trying to follow the stars. Yeah, doesn't work. I think he means that we've got to stay focused on the things that we do want and can accomplish and not let ourselves be distracted or turned from our path by other seemingly valid concerns - concerns that we might be able to affect, but that would prove to be less important than the grand plans and ideals that we chase and could otherwise be accomplishing if we would but stay focused. So, I'll spend the next while working on understanding how best to stay focused on the stars and be guided by ideals. Of course, it'll be a process; but perhaps, it'll be the reminder that I need to recall to me the way of being I once had - the one that brings joy and fullness to work and relationships, and love and life.
Ok, I know that sounds kinda corny, but I really mean it. There is a way of being, a song that your heart can sing, a presence that you can develop; whatever you call it, when you are this way, the people and places and events in life are all good and right and when you're not this way, everything is wrong and poor. They didn't change, you did. This way of being only ever results from or is the sum consequence of the fine choices that you make every day inside yourself that nobody knows about. I say this to myself, because I forget it too easily. The way that you are inside - your way of being - is not something that you get to choose directly; rather, it is a sum of the choices you make in your thoughts and heart throughout the days. This presence of yours is ever-changing, formed by who you are in the places where nobody but you and God can see. I feel ashamed for being who I've been this last little while...kicking against the pricks. So...change doesn't happen in an instant. It requires time and effort. I've already started towards it; now, I need to continue and soon, I'll start to see as I was able to see some time ago. There'll be more light, more purpose, and more why's to wake up every day and follow the ideals that guide.

October 13, 2008
April will be the one year mark from when I admitted to SGA. I have nightmares sometimes that my family finds me out. It's going to happen some day. I don't have a partner and I don't ever plan to, but being single for too long is just about as much of a give-away. At any rate, the other questions and evidences will eventually give me up. But, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, no?

October 23, 2008
Something dawned on me the other day. I need a different purpose in life - a new something for my mortal existence to culminate in. I mean, shoot, there is no other right life aside from the track of baptism, priesthood, mission, married, and children. That's the purpose of life! or was... Well, I thought about it for a while, and I decided it was OK if my life's culminating purpose - the thing that I could say was my mark for having lived - was my work with adolescents and their families. I hope that doesn't sound a mediocre answer, cause in no way do I hope to have only a mediocre impact on a mediocre number of individuals. I thought, "If I don't have a family, then all the time that would have gone to them can now go to my work. The people I work with can be my family and expanding and building that business bigger and bigger so as to increase our capacity to help more and more families could be my life and the thing that I invest my heart into." My question to the critic would only be: "What else am I going to do with it?" I see that this is quite idealistic, but "ideals are like stars," right? I mean, I'm not foolish enough to believe that things will turn out just like I see them in my detailed daydreams; but, that's not to say that they can't actually turn out to be better than the dreams. The biggest reason for failing, I think, is cause people fail to dream and then believe in themselves. And again, I can see that this is a stretch, but it's what I'll shoot for. So, something good is that I might have found a new purpose in life.
However, I am still afraid of the future...of me in the future. I'm afraid that I'll become someone that I'll regret, or that I'll regret living alone, or that I'll regret marrying, or that I'll regret something I didn't want to write. I know what I want, I know what is true, and I know where I should be...but knowing all those things has never precluded me from making grave mistakes. It always comes down to that moment when you face the decision. I think it's that moment that I'm afraid of. No matter what I want or know or see for a hundred days in a row, that moment is decided by what I am able to see then and there. I'm afraid cause I don't have a good track record. I'm a wild card, even to me. I feel like a coward by saying all this, or like a person that plans to fail, or like a premature quitter. But I'd be a liar if I was to say that I know what will happen or that I know I'll be where I'm supposed to be in 2, 5, or 10 years. Don't misunderstand, I don't question my testimony; I don't question my love for God and Christ; I don't question prophets, revelation, leadership, or the power of faith. I question that moment and me in it. I've just learned from so many other experiences...that no matter how I feel now, I can't tell you for sure what will happen at that moment. I'm afraid of not being where I should be some day down the road when I stop and take a look around and then look at myself.
Well, with all the above drama, let me just say that I'm not in a crisis. I love my friends, I love my family, I like my work, and I really don't like my classes. So, I guess I'm normal, right? ...maybe I am.

February 9, 2009
I turned 26 today. My first thought this morning was that I should have accomplished more by now than I have. I'm still working on my undergrad and I've not really done anything of great or lasting consequence. I promise I've stayed really busy and I've tried to leave a good mark everywhere I go. On the other hand, I do take great comfort in what I have inter-personally - in who my friends are. Hillary said that she thought that the quality of my friends was a reflection of me. I half agree - I think it's as much good fortune/God's blessing that my friends are so incredible, uncommon, and heart-filled as it is a reflection on me. I'm unarguably a very fortunate person.
Yoga, running, basketball, volleyball, lifting, classes, work, and church. That's me - week in and week out. I'm loving it so much. For the most part, I've really been on cloud nine for January and the start of February (November and December were darker and more horrific that I believed possible). There are a few things that slow me down here and there, but not for long. All my grad school apps are in and I'm waiting anxiously for a word. It could drive me nuts, but I'm staying busy enough to get by. I kinda feel like I'm in limbo - waiting for the transition period to wherever I go to school. I start to make plans for this or that, but then I remember that it's all contingent on what happens with grad school. So, yeah, it is driving me nuts.
I don't have a boyfriend and it's been that way since the end of December. That's good. I don't have a girlfriend either. ;) I suppose that's good as well. I am still unsure of what will happen. Fortunately, the unsurity isn't for the same reasons as before (see the latter half of October 23rd's entry). It's because I want two opposite things so strongly and yet equally. I have friends who decided to be in relationships and I feel so happy for them and I think they're such incredibly great and golden people - but how would I feel about me if I found that kind of happiness? I want that so badly... A fulfilling relationship - like what happily married people experience...I want that. Or, what if I married the woman I love? Right now, there isn't a soul, man or woman, I am happier to be with or love more than Hillary. Really, that's the bare and full truth. But, I know that can't happen. It's unhealthy, inappropriate, selfish or otherwise purely wrong for gay people to try to force a marital relationship - that's how they end in heartache for entire families.
Otherwise and for the most part, I'm really doing great. I feel like I'm walking in an open meadow and I'm so so grateful and peaceful. There have been a couple hiccups here and there but all really is well. I feel so full of love for everyone I spend time with and for all that I correspond with. My heart feels full because of thoughts of my friends who have offered support to me in times of deep confusion or despair. There's a good way to put a smile on my face...

That's a lot of journal entries, huh? I put them there so you could understand what's happened over the last year. Mom, you said that I've really changed over the last year. Yeah, I have. I wish with every part of myself that I hadn't. I wish even more that I was normal. I'd be married happily and probably with children...you'd be grandparents! But, like I said above, I'm not going to do that anymore - I'm not going to wish like that anymore. I'm sure that this leaves tons of questions unanswered. When you are ready to ask them, I'm here. Please think hard if you feel to guide me to work on change. I believe we'd find ourselves at an impasse. It's taken me a full year of pain, hurt, friendships, guidance, struggling, mistakes, and wandering to bring me to where I'm at - to a feeling of acceptance and readiness to move on with a different life than I had for ever anticipated and expected. I know that I need to be and I promise to be very patient with you guys. It definately takes time to wrap your mind around it. But, do feel assured that things are k and that they're going to remain that way. I'm healthy, most often happy, and prepared to move forward with a very productive life. What am I lacking? Everyone had challenges and mysteries to solve...of course I'm not going to be an exception to that. The future? Well, we can't write it now, so lets cross those bridges when we come to them. Lets take this slowly. Anna is getting married in the temple and that is reason enought to be increadibly happy. Lets see this as a side story to Anna's marriage. Really, that's where it belongs. Please don't tell any extended family. If you want to tell the girls, please let me do it. If you want to keep this between we three for now, that's ok too. I love you guys. I'm me, the same one you've always known. When you go to sleep tonight, remember that I love you and we're really fortunate to have each other. I love you.

So, it's really long, but I hope that it, along with the Matis' story from In Quiet Desparation will help them to have a helpful introduction to this. That way, when I see them in April, we'll be able to have more reasonable and helpful ideas to converse about. Wow, I've got to get this done with...but definitely in the right way. I don't want to make it painful for them. I love them too much.

So 26 years are now over; and now, I'm me

2009-02-09T23:59:00.003-07:00

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I turned 26 today. My first thought this morning was that I should have accomplished more by now than I have. I'm still working on my undergrad and I've not really done anything of great or lasting consequence. I promise I've stayed really busy all my years, and I've tried to leave a good mark everywhere I go. However, I do take great comfort in what I have inter-personally - in who my friends are. Hillary said that she thought that the quality of my friends was a reflection on me. I half agree - I think it's as much good fortune/God's blessing that my friends are so incredible, uncommon, and heart-filled as it is a reflection on me. I'm unarguably a very fortunate person. I haven't been lazy or wasteful, but it's time to pick up the pace, be more efficient, and really do some of the things I want to do in life.

Yoga, running, basketball, volleyball, lifting with my cousin in the mornings, classes, work, and weekends. That's me - week in and week out. I'm loving it so much. I have two homes now. One in Provo and one in Holladay. I don't really spend much time in Provo aside from classes. I'm there for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning, but starting Thursday night, I go to yoga in Sandy and then to my second home in Holladay. It's this really beautiful house where three of my dearest friends live. I stay there all the way through till Monday night when I head back to Provo to go to school and work at the Prison. Over the weekends, I spend almost all my time with these friends and one other that lives close by. They're so kind and good. I think I like them so much because they're good people even though they're gay. Actually, I think they're better because they're gay and so good. And they are so kind and caring toward me. I really love them like real family...family I would choose. We go to parties, clubs (especially Sat. night) and we have our traditional Sunday morning breakfast at Sharon's Cafe. We look out for each other. Then every Sunday afternoon, I go over to my cousin's for the afternoon and evening. They don't know what's going on...it would just make things so much more complicated, but they are so loving. Sometimes I go to church with them. I love them and their daughters sooo much. The little girls call me Uncle Bobby and my cousin and her husband are so incredibly loving and fun.

For the most part, I've really been on cloud nine for January and the start of February. There are a few things that slow me down here and there, but not for long. All my grad school apps are in and I'm waiting anxiously for a word. It could drive me nuts, but I'm staying busy enough to get by. I kinda feel like I'm in limbo - waiting for the transition period to wherever I go to school. I start to make plans for this or that, but then I remember that it's all contingent on what happens with grad school. So, yeah, it is driving me nuts.

I'm thinking that I'll go back to work at The ANASAZI Foundation this summer. I can only go back there if I'm back to good with myself. I think I'm close to that. Working with the children there, you've got to be in the right place within yourself so that you're able to provide a safe and peaceful environment that powerfully invites awakenings. That's the miracle that kept me there for so long and that draws me back. At ANASAZI, we didn't preach to the children or teach them the right ways to change or improve; rather, we were quiet. When they got there, we spoke briefly about three things. First, we told them about the Seed of Greatness that is inside of every individual. When you see any person throughout your day today, see them as somebody who has an incredible seed of greatness within. Their heart feels as deeply as yours has, their tears and laughs are as emotionally filled as what you've known, and their worth is (like yours) more than you are willing to believe. See that in everybody and you'll be shocked at the value of the company you keep. Next we told them about the Making of an Asking. I would say to them that I know the value of learning things on your own - working out problems by investing your whole self and working all the way to your answer or solution. I would never think of taking that opportunity from them, so...I'll not interject myself unless they want me to. I'm dying to help. I'm watching and wishing I could help because I love them and they are my whole reason for being there, but I'll let them figure things out on their own, unless they ask. The Making of an Asking is when there is anything they would like of me and they let me know. Last, we'd tell them about the Making of a Listening. This is the most important thing that they can do out there. I would say that I don't know why they are there; but that no matter the reason, the most important thing we'll do in our desert home of Arizona cacti and junipers is to listen. At some time, say to me, "Hey, Robert, I'm going to go do the Making of a Listening. I'll be over there on the top of that rock." Then you sit there and think about your life and the challenges you face and you clear your mind and your heart and then listen - listen to the wind. When the Creator shares an awakening with you, He puts it on the sacred wind and it's your place to hear it. There are always messages on the wind and we can listen to them any time we wish, so long as we are willing to clear ourselves and listen. In the absence of distractions and unsolicited counsel, we would learn the most incredible things from the wind, plants, rocks, water, light, and animals. We would experience from our surroundings and from each other the most powerful and indescribable awakenings - all without words, all via the wind. The great miracle is that as long as we are willing to experience new awakenings, we can have new beginnings. As often as we are willing, we can become awake to new truths or be re-awoken to truths we've learned in the past, and we can begin anew - fresh. The past, present and future are all current with us. The potency of things that have been, the breath of the present, and the hope of what can happen are all in this moment with us and we can use them to be deep, great, and powerful people - to grow our seed of greatness. We forget it often, but this possibility is always there, always.

I don't have a boyfriend and it's been that way since the end of December. That's good. I don't have a girlfriend either. ;) I suppose that's good as well. I am still unsure of what will happen. Fortunately, the unsurity isn't for the same reasons as before (the bad from this post). It's because I want two opposite things so strongly and yet equally. I've read about D and UTMOHO and I feel so happy for them and I think they're such incredibly great and golden people - but how would I feel about me if I found that kind of happiness? I want that so badly... What if I married the woman I love? Right now, there isn't a soul, man or woman, I am happier to be with or love more than Hillary. Really, that's the bare and full truth. What to do? What to do? We'll see. I'm really doing great. I'm still in my open meadow and I'm so so grateful and peaceful. There have been a couple hiccups here and there but all really is well. I feel so full of love for everyone I spend time with and for all that I correspond with because of our blogosphere. Do not read that as an empty statement. Do not! Please. My heart is full because of thoughts of my friends who have offered support to me in times of deep confusion or despair. Please, please, believe what I say and feel my deep gratitude to you for your thoughts, concern, support, words, company, and love. Please do. Thank you so very much. Thank you

Open Meadows

2008-12-31T16:26:00.011-07:00

Well, for the last week or so, I've just felt as though I were walking in an open meadow in the middle of a beautiful valley and even a stream running playfully through the middle of it. I know that sounds kinda corny, but it's the best way to describe it. Just wonderful and peaceful. I have just felt really, really great the last couple weeks. No, I'm not drunk or high. (I think I'm done with that now)
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December has been quite radical. For Halloween (yeah, I know it's not in December...) I went out with some friends from Provo, a friend from downtown SLC and another friend from south SLC. WOW, that was really crazy. I had a little bit too much to drink and then smoked a little too much pot...I stayed conscious all night, but that only happened with considerable effort. And because things were so horrible at the end of November, I think back on Halloween night and say that I really enjoyed it. My friends tell me I'm just about the most kind and loving drunk person ever. It's odd, but when I'm under the influence, I'm so grateful for the people I love and who love me. But, into December, I continued drinking more and more until I was hiding wine and vodka in my underwear drawer. I had term papers and projects, semester exams, the GRE, researching and applying to grad schools, and all of that while I was drinking more and more (bad combo). It really was too much and radical in an unsettling way. As December progressed, I didn't like it...but I don't know how I could have made it through emotionally without the escapes the alcohol, pot, and my friends gave. PS, I haven't drank in a while now (two weeks-ish) and I'm feeling really, really good about it.
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What else in December? Well, a relationship. I got really attached and close to a guy that I've been friends with since September. He hangs out with the group I spend most my time with. I had originally crushed on him big-time and, unawares to me, he did the same. So, in December, we found out about each other's feelings and....um...I'll stop there about that. Because of him, I started questioning what I would actually end up doing in the future. It's not that I think "he's the one," rather, I'm just shocked at how it felt to be in that kind of relationship - in a relationship with someone of the same gender/sex. I don't mean to sound mushy, but it was really different than I thought it would be. Different in that it was way more.
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Because of the above, for the majority of December, I was really questioning what I would end up doing. I'm feeling pretty unsettled. I really feel ashamed writing that because everyone I know knows that I know what I'm supposed to choose (wife or celibacy), but the truth is - I'm unsettled. I don't really see myself with a partner, but I never saw myself even debating about it. I could see myself being celibate, even though thinking about the lack of a someone to share life with is abhorrent. I can see myself as a husband and father, but I don't exactly see myself courting or engaging in procreation...both are kinda necessary. So, door 1, door 2, or door 3? What's it gonna be? (I promise I don't think about it so causually)
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I really, really enjoyed reading and commenting on others' posts this month. I had some really incredible awakenings because of what others wrote and the questions they made me ask of myself. If you promise not to make fun of me, I cried several times when reading posts (when I read most any post)...even if the post wasn't especially deep or heart-wrenching, I cried because I was thinking about the person that wrote it and how much I feel with him/her and love him/her. Just the thought of the fingers that typed the post and the depth of that person's thoughts, feelings, and soul was enough to cause me to tear up. My emotions were pretty close to the surface over the last month, especially when I was reading blogs. I think it's because of this great tear inside me and because of the deep empathy and love that we bloggers share. When I read others' words, I feel them so strongly.
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Also, something that someone wrote made me go back and read a few of my older posts. This is post #14 since April of this year when I faced up to the truth. I've written about fears, friends, coming out and trying to come out, kissing, drinking, smoking, and toking. I used to really believe that being gay meant I was broken; now, I just accept that gay isn't broken, it's just the way that I am (not who I am) and I can't change it. I started out with a ton of optimism that I'd be able to lick it quickly and still get married in time to avoid serious questioning from family and friends...wow, was I ever naive. I touched alcohol, tobacco, and mj for the first time in 10 years and I've still got alcohol to kick before I'm good on that front. I've talked about wanting to give up and about wanting to run away. I wrote about things that I know regarding God and love and forgiveness and acceptance. I wrote about things that I don't know like the future, me, and the big "why." I was touched by some of the stuff that I read from months past. I had a few moments of real clarity and inspiration. All in all, I'm so glad that I started posting. Because now, I've got friends and allies and advice to such an extent that I could have never found otherwise. Because now, I can track the way that I've been channeled by my experiences so that I can stand back and redirect myself to paths that are of my choosing instead of taking paths that are no more than reactions to experiences. And also because now, I can go back and read the things I said in those critical moments of clarity and awareness. We don't think well all the time. We make decisions that are seemingly unimportant, but that place us months later far from where we aimed to be. If we don't stay conscious of where we are versus where we planned to be, and where we want to be, then the natural/initial reactions we have to life's trials will be the determinants of our future instead of our conscious selves. If we don't decide our lives consciously, then other things will - other things will.
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I thank God for these last days of open meadows. I'm thinking more clearly again. I feel so much these days and I like it. I love my friends and family (that includes all my friends and family). So...what now? I guess we'll see.

Hey Robert, look closely, be honest.

2008-11-24T17:50:00.020-07:00

Beer, MJ, clubbing, and kissing guys. You'd have never believed it if someone had said that you'd be doing these things again. It's not you, it never was, and was never supposed to be.

In the past month, I've made the first two habit, I seek them out. I'm not me anymore... Even now, typing this, I just want to go smoke some weed, have a couple beers, and kiss a guy. Not just anybody, but someone close. That's the reason for the long silence - things haven't been well. I can't stand keeping it in/secret anymore. I'm terrified to publish this post because I don't want to hurt Hillary. I'm not sure that I'll hit the "Publish Post" button. But, I've got to be honest. I'm not me anymore. I'm someone different. She's dating other guys and I'm so happy for her. In the most sincere and utterly honest way, I hope that she finds someone that loves her like I do, but that can offer her everything. This blog has to be the place where I'm honest and real. It was created to be the place that I can write whatever because it's me that I'm writing to. For the first couple of months, I didn't share the address because I didn't intend for it to be public. I started it so I could get it all out. So, this is it, this is what's real. I am sorry for it.

I'm sorry that it all sounds so dramatic. I know that being mormon and attracted to guys is not a death or damnation sentence. I know that we make our lives and are held to the consequences of our choices. It's simple as that. My challenges aren't beyond those of many of my friends that still choose the right. Gay LDS guys can be totally happy, get married to a wonderful wife, and have a great family. It happens! What hurts is that I know I'm not who I've become. I've lost the true me. I don't think much anymore. And here I am, I'm sorry for who I've become.

I know it can change...that I can change it. Somehow, it will...I will. I quit smoking and drinking for a month or so...but I'm drinking again and now I've smoked MJ a few times as well. What have I done? I don't see clearly because I refuse to look closely at life. I don't believe that things will drastically change as a result of this post. No, not drastic change, it'll be slow and eventual. I'll be a temple goer again someday, I'll be helping families again, and I'll be me again. I hope sooner than later, but that has yet to be seen. Who am I? I am RedSageWarrior and BrightMedicineHorse, I'm Elder Stahl and Uncle Bobby, I'm Boy Wonder and Obie-One. That's who I am. It's these scales and tar that I've got to shed. They're abrasive, they're heavy. It'll change - I'll change. Watch, but just be patient Robert, be patient.

P.S. I am so incredibly grateful for the friends I've made and the people I've met through blogging. Wow, we're fortunate to have each other, especially because of the diversity of our experiences and understandings. I'm grateful for that every day. Also, I didn't mean to sound like I'm severely depressed or struggling. I really only get sad when I think about what I'm doing - about how I really want to be right with myself and God but at the same time, I'm doing things that I know are not ok and lead me away from the kind of me that I want to be. I've been good before. Good in the sense that I loved who I was because it was the best expression of me I'd ever seen. That's who RedSageWarrior and BrightMedicineHorse, Elder Stahl and Uncle Bobby, and Boy Wonder and Obie-One are. They're versions of me from the past where my actions and desires were in sync. Who I was was who I wanted to be; where I was was exactly where I wanted to be; and what I was doing was exactly what I wanted to be doing. I've never really been this dissonant before, but, I will get back to good. It's just not happening like I want it to, and as is reality, it's hard. I do laugh and have fun and I've got great friends to spend time with. I thank the heavens for that. I just fear to wear out God's patience or not stop this before I do something really harmful. I don't feel that it's good to "take my time," but on that same note, I can't be impatient...change, lasting change, takes time.

P.P.S. I haven't been kissing a lot of guys...or even certain guys a lot. I just really want to, wish to, and I think about it somtimes too much.

What do you wan't first? The good or the bad?

2008-10-23T17:17:00.007-06:00

The Good:

Well, for the last year or so, before I ended up confronting same gender attraction, I've been very close to an incredible girl - Hillary. She's the third girl that I dated seriously, and definitely the closest person that I've ever been connected with. Words can't describe the relationship that we share. We've toured Europe together, had numerous life or jail experiences in numerous countries on two continents, we've shared a bed many many times during our travels (of course nothing ever happened nor was anything even hoped for, it's just incredible to wake up next to someone you love so deeply), we've driven some 10,000 miles over our several cross-continental road trips, and she's done emergency surgery on me and I did emergency care on her when she fell off a cliff and couldn't get to a hospital for 4 days. We were going to get married, but both of us found that the fear we were experiencing was more than just nerves...lo and behold, last April, it all ran over and spilled out - I'm crazy attracted to guys. Hill stuck with me through a cancer diagnosis, surgery, and then coming to terms with being gay. She's still the closest person I have and we continue to help each other forward every day (she says that I help her too).

About a month ago, we had a serious talk. Our relationship was still reaching for romanticism and hopes for the future were around every corner. The possibility that, if I could figure myself out and get right with things, we might marry some day was really about the only anchor line holding me in place so that the storms didn't blow me away to being completely lost. Well, we had this serious talk because, for a while, I had felt like something was not OK. I had been feeling something was wrong, and I finally asked her how she felt about about us. She asked if I wanted her to be totally honest. I said yes. What she said was exactly how I had been feeling...the reason that I asked the question in the first place. It was this: I was struggling and stuck in a rut...and she was staying there with me while life passed on. Of course friends help friends out; but if I get lost, she couldn't help if she was lost with me. She could help me best if she was on solid ground following her promptings in life. We are so close that we've just stuck together through anything; and while we still will, we can't be lost together. And yes, I'm lost. I'm trying to follow guidance to get me out of being lost...but I'm lost. She had to move forward in life. The thing is that while she can help me with my problems, she cant do them for me. They're my life problems and, truth be told, only I can do them. Well, with that conversation, the hope for marrying her extinguished. My strongest tie-down and anchor line (I know it should be the Lord, but that's not the case now) was cut, and I felt very different inside. One day I caught myself thinking that if someone plowed into me on my motorcycle and I died, that would actually be OK - I could then be in a place where I'd have the possibility to move forward on the whole baptism, deacon, teacher, priest, elder, rm, married,... path. Now, just understand, I'm not suicidal.

Fortunately, my thoughts lead me to a bit of a discovery. It dawned on me that I needed a different purpose in life - a new something for my mortal existence to culminate in. I mean, shoot, there is no other right life aside from the track of baptism, priesthood, mission, married, and children. That's the purpose of life! or was... Well, I thought about it for a while, and I decided it was OK if my life's culminating purpose - the thing that I could say was my mark for having lived - was my work with adolescents and their families. I hope that doesn't sound like a build up to a mediocre answer, cause in no way do I hope to have only a mediocre impact on a mediocre number of individuals. I thought, "If I don't have a family, then all the time that would have gone to them can now go to my work. The people I work with can be my family and expanding and building that business bigger and bigger so as to increase our capacity to help more and more families could be my life and the thing that I invest my heart into." My question to the critic would only be: "What else am I going to do with it?" I see that this is quite idealistic, but "ideals are like stars," right? I mean, I'm not foolish enough to believe that things will turn out just like I see them in my detailed daydreams; but, that's not to say that they can't actually turn out to be better than the dreams. The biggest reason for failing, I think, is cause people fail to dream and then believe in themselves. And again, I can see that this is a stretch, but it's what I'll shoot for. So, the good is that I might have found a new purpose in life.

The Bad:

I'm drinking and smoking more. I'm afraid of the future...of me in the future. I'm afraid that I'll become someone that I'll regret, or that I'll regret living alone, or that I'll regret marrying, or that I'll regret something I didn't want to type. I know what I want, I know what is true, and I know where I should be...but knowing all those things has never precluded me from making grave mistakes. It always comes down to that moment when you face the decision. I think it's that moment that I'm afraid of. No matter what I want or know or see for a hundred days in a row, that moment is decided by what I am able to see then and there. I'm afraid cause I don't have a good track record. I'm a wild card, even to me. I feel like a coward by saying all this, or like a person that plans to fail, or like a premature quitter. But I'd be a liar if I was to say that I know what will happen or that I know I'll be where I'm supposed to be in 2, 5, or 10 years. Don't misunderstand, I don't question my testimony; I don't question my love for God and Christ; I don't question prophets, revelation, leadership, or the power of faith. I question that moment and me in it. I've just learned from so many other experiences...that no matter how I feel now, I can't tell you for sure what will happen at that moment. I'm afraid of not being where I should be some day down the road when I stop and take a look around and then look at myself.

There are the good and the bad. I'm not in a crisis. I love my friends, I love my family, I like my work, and I really don't like my classes. So, I guess I'm normal...maybe I am.

About me

2008-10-13T15:27:00.016-06:00

I'm sitting in prison in Utah with a little heater fan blowing on me and an inmate taking a personality profile measure next to me. The measure is 567 questions long, so I've had some time to do some thinking and I'm going to have some time to do some writing. What do I think? Well, life is most always a better deal than I feel it is. I say most always because sometimes, I am able to see it for the radiant and transcendent marvel that it is, and the beautiful future that it urges on us. Funny, I usually start to see that life is better than I give it credit for after talking with a few inmates. I guess, compared to them, I've not got such a hard case. Hahaha.

I hesitated to post this cause I'm not sure how good of an idea it is to open yourself up like so. I edited it down quite a bit and tried to make it as clear as possible. I'm posting it for two reasons: so that I can read it a few years down the road and maybe see how my thinking about the past has changed and because I really appreciate being able to learn about others' lives and the things that lead them to where they are now, so maybe others will appreciate reading this.

Well, I'm a small town boy. I feel so at home in the woods and in nature...it can be the outskirts of a small town, a cow pasture, or some meadow a hundred miles from anything and I'm home. Yeah, corny. But, really, you've seen man vs wild? Yeah, that's totally my thing. I finally acknowledged being SGA in April 2008, but that's not to say that I couldn't have admitted to it before. I got into trouble with boys starting at about the age of six. Sometimes we got caught sometimes we didn't. I never treated girls with anything but the utmost respect. I thought I was such a good guy. All of the immoral stuff stayed really well hidden, even from my parents. I played most every sport, fished, hunted, camped, and got into plenty of trouble - I've got a juvi record a mile long.

We moved to another town when I was 15 and on probation for the second time. This probation officer was a really good guy and helpful. That was the start of a new life. I remember my dad saying to me, "This is your chance to start new. Nobody here knows anything about what you've done." I don't know why, but after all the things that my parents said trying to turn me around, this time, my dad got through. I started being good as far as what people saw, but nothing ever changed with regard to immorality. I had some pretty life changing things happen in the latter teenage years. The most significant was a car accident that involved my whole family (mom, dad, me and my four sisters). I got some pretty serious head injuries that left me with few memories from my past and a bit of a changed personality. For the 4 months after the accident, I was on my own. I was one of the two people in my family that could walk and because of that, I was expected to take care of myself. It was a really rough time, my brain couldn't handle coherent thought, but I was on my own. After it was all over, I had become very independent and comfortable being alone. I had plenty of fun with friends, but my favorite time was being quiet and alone or having good talks with one friend.

When I went to college, I told my parents that I was planning on going on a mission, just because if I didn't tell them that, they would have probably broken (I'm currently the only active child of the four that moved out...and they don't know I'm gay); but, I definitely knew that I would never choose to go. I had tried so many things to get the Lord to fix me (I knew something was wrong) that by this time, I was really resistant with Him. Fortunately, I had some miraculous roommates that first semester and an incredible mentor...I decided that I did want to serve a mission. I went out on the mission right before they "raised the bar." Now, believe me when I say this, I served with everything I had and the most unspeakable things happened on the mission. Wow, I learned that I was where the Lord wanted me to be; and that God, his offer for redemption through the atonement, and the reality of his closeness are so true, real, and actual.

After I came back, I taught at the MTC for a year. These three years (the mission and the MTC) stood in sharp contrast to the rest of my life. After the MTC, I left UT cause I didn't know where life was suppose to go. I moved to Arizona and started working for a program that helped children who had gotten in deep trouble with the law, drugs, immorality, or other defiant or destructive behavior. I loved it, and I got a second job working with children in group homes and emergency care shelters who were wards of the state. Both of these were in Arizona. The two years there brought me to the knowledge of what my calling is in life - to help young people and their families to learn to walk together in harmony through the challenges of this world. I needed more education to do this, so I sold my house in AZ and moved back to UT to finish school. I'll be done in April and then move on to whichever grad school accepts me.

April will be the one year mark from when I admitted to SGA. I have nightmares sometimes that my family finds me out. It's going to happen some day. I don't have a partner and I don't ever plan to, but being single for too long is just about as much of a give-away. At any rate, the other questions and evidences will eventually give me up. But, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, no?

Ideals are like stars...

2008-09-29T14:45:00.006-06:00

Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the ocean desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them, you reach your destiny. -Carl Schurtz

I came out to my bishop back toward the beginning of summer. I talked with him two weeks later and then never went back. I felt so gross talking with him about how I'm attracted to dudes. Out of the blue, he called and asked if I would meet with him...so we did, last Sunday. I was scared to death, but I figured: "He set up the meeting, I'll let him have charge and see what he wants." We chatted in general about life and such for a little and then he asked; "So, how are...other things going?" (I think that he's as uncomfortable as I am). I told him that this has been probably the hardest summer of my life, maybe matched by a summer or two from the worst of my teenage years. I told him about smoking and drinking...and that I've quit that (I have). I told him that at this point, I wish I hadn't ever even gone to that meeting where I came out and confronted this; but, I acknowledged that life goes on and I told him that I knew my feelings would change somehow.

The other night, I talked with Hillary for about 90 minutes. We had a good talk, but when we ended it, I was troubled cause I couldn't see how things were going to get better. So, I've been thinking about it. I think I've forgotten that some problems don't get fixed, some challenges can't be vanquished, and some trials are life-long. So, what's left to say but "get over it!"

Today, I was thinking about the things that I have that I can be happy about. Dang, there's a lot. I've got some of the best friends, roommates, cousins, sisters and parents that a person could imagine. So what if I'm gay and can't seem to change it. I remember when I was working with others that were experiencing trials and challanges, I would say to them that they needed to focus on things that they both wanted to change and could change...or cause to change. Worrying about anything else was not only futile and wasteful, but harmful and destructive. Well, it's plain to see that I need someone to share that very principle with me. I've been concerning myself so strongly with things I can't change that I haven't even had safe control over things I could influence or change for the better.

After thinking about the good fortune I experience in life, I thought about some of my most cherished memories, including touring the museums in Washington, DC, with Hill(ary). In one museum of art, there were tons of quotes on the walls accompanying masterful paintings. One of the quotes was from Carl Schurz: "Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the ocean desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them, you reach your destiny." I think I've been following my feet - or at least looking down all the time while saying that I'm trying to follow the stars. Yeah, doesn't work. I think he means that we've got to stay focused on the things that we do want and can accomplish and not let ourselves be distracted or turned from our path by other seemingly valid concerns - concerns that we might be able to affect, but that would prove to be less important than the grand plans and ideals that we chase and could otherwise be accomplishing if we would but stay focused. So, I'll spend the next while working on understanding how best to stay focused on the stars and be guided by ideals. Of course, it'll be a process; but perhaps, it'll be the reminder that I need to recall to me the way of being I once had - the one that brings joy and fullness to work and relationships, and love and life.

Ok, I know that sounds kinda corny, but I really mean it. There is a way of being, a song that your heart can sing, a presence that you can develop; whatever you call it, when you are this way, the people and places and events in life are all good and right. They didn't change, you did. It only ever results from or is the sum consequence of the fine choices that you make every day inside yourself that nobody knows about. I say this mostly to myself, because I forget it too easily. The way that you are inside - your way of being - is not something that you get to choose directly; rather, it is a sum of the choices you make in your thoughts and heart throughout the days. This presence of yours is ever-changing, formed by who you are in the places where nobody but you and God can see. I feel ashamed for being who I've been this last little while...kicking against the pricks. So...change doesn't happen in an instant. It requires time and effort. I've already started towards it; now, I need to continue and soon, I'll start to see as I was able to see some time ago. There'll be more light, more purpose, and more why's to work every day and follow the ideals that guide.

Back at it

2008-09-18T14:46:00.017-06:00

When I was a sophomore in college, I became really angered and isolated because I didn't know what I was doing... everything was pointless and nothing was going anywhere. So, I dropped out of school and really planned never to return. I took a job and spent two years working in Arizona with youth who were in serious trouble tied to drugs, the law, or other defiant or depressed behavior. I bought a house, had a good salary, and LOVED the friends that I had and the way that I felt about life. I was being great and my focus was on helping others, faith and God, and progressing in life. My plan was to stay there for a decade or so and see where my life and a family took me. After one of the LDS general conferences - the priesthood session in particular - something happened that caused me to unquestionably know that I had to go back to school, get my degree in psychology, and then continue to work with adolescents who were in trouble. It was incredibly hard and scary, but I applied to return to BYU, sold all that I had, bought a car and left behind the best life I had ever known. I moved to UT for the same student life that had brought me to depression two years previous and I was seriously wondering "why?"

Every time I had ever changed stations in life, it was because of the same feeling inside me that was so clear in directing where to go and what I was to do there. As long as I followed it, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to be doing. When I left Arizona, I knew where I was supposed to go - UT, and I knew what I was supposed to do - go to school, but I had no idea why. For two years in AZ, I had been engaged in as good a cause and effective a cause as that when I was a missionary. Why was I supposed to move back to UT where I had crashed in stress, anxiety, and trouble? In April of this year, I went to the Mattis meeting (a supportive kind of evening for gay or lesbian LDS members). I finally started to deal with my homosexual feelings. All the sudden, I knew that this was the reason I was supposed to move to UT. I had to deal with it. Now, after all the events of the last five months, I'm asking, "What was He thinking?!@#?"

I don't know what I'm doing. School and work offer some direction or at least they offer to occupy my time. I still know that I'm going to finish psychology, get my license, and help young people; but, aside from those outward things, I have no idea where I am or where I'm going or how to have the heart and ability to do what I feel I'm supposed to...inside. Like Cadence said, I feel completely empty, pointless, and lifeless. Why? I think it's because of the way that I've withdrawn my emotions from day to day life. I think it's because I'm not truly engaged and invested in spiritual progression. And I think it's because of the the ways I've allowed myself to stray or walk away from how or who I know I should be.

I don't know. It's like I know where I should be when all is said and done, but I don't see the way to get there and I'm only facing that direction when I stop, turn, and look that way thinking, "Look, that's the final destination." I hope that this lost feeling will pass. Maybe it's a temporary transient feeling. Probably, it's the case that I have to work hard to start feeling found again. Definitely, there are some things that can never and should never change - including God and his nature, the truth and reality of faith, and one's history and origin; and on the other hand, there are other things that are meant to change - a man's character, desires, nature, abilities, and future. Time and work. That's what can change things. Both necessary and costly; but some things are worth it...like eternity. If only I could really feel this all the time. Thanks to the Creator for family, friends, and their and His love...and thanks to them. Here's to letting those you love and can't do without know it.

Please don't be

2008-08-09T10:37:00.005-06:00

Please don't be disappointed. Please don't be upset.

So, when I took that last vacation...and I relaxed the guilt and responsibility and obligation feelings...I went too far.I had some mixed alcohol drinks at a few of our dinners and I smoked some. The drinking stopped when I left Alaska. It never was something that I really did a lot, but the smoking...well, it's continued. My thought was: "Well, I'm taking a break from everything. So, I will." and I did. I haven't been to church in a month and a half cause I've made no effort to attend while traveling.

When I came back from Alaska, I threw away what cigarettes I had and, like with the alcohol, I said I was done. If you've ever smoked, you know that they feel like they have a calming and numbing effect. So, with that being such a fresh memory, when I wanted to be numbed to frustrations, anger, dissappointment, or sorrow, I bought some more; and, it's been going on for the last few weeks. I thought and said, "If I trade smoking for masturbation and pornography, that'd be ok. Immorality is much worse than smoking and I know that I can quit smoking with no problem; so, if I only smoke when I want to masterbate or view porn, then that'd be a good plan. As the immoral cravings deminish, I'll be smoking less and that's that." Looking at it now, I think I just wanted a reason to be able to continue to numb myself with the flick of a lighter. Even now, writing this, I want to be numb. But I'm not going to. Physical cravings are nothing compared to psychological cravings. I know this absolutely. The problem I'm going to face with quiting smoking - starting today - will be the desire to be numb. To be numb, all I had to do was go outside away from anybody, and smoke. I don't think that we're supposed to be numb. Christ wasn't numbed when He'd have liked it. So, I've got to come to terms with feelings undiminished. This is hard to say and write. I quit as of now...not after one last one, but now. I quit because I was choosing and paying money to break promises - both temple and BYU promises; because I have to have integrity - if I don't, then what do I have; and because I'm sick. When I say sick, I mean that I'm so far from what can be the only good relief - the Creator - that I feel physically weak and sorrowful.

For life, God allots us certain burdens. If those burdens become too much to bear, is it not often (not always) because we have made them so? I've always had a very hard time asking for or accepting help. "I need to take care of this on my own." That's all I can think. Well, I can smoke on my own. I can't get help, forgiveness, strength, or love from God or anyone else if I'm going it alone. Alone and support are opposite. Alone and love are opposite. Alone is opposite from anything that I ever want to be; but, I feel that I need to take care of it alone. It won't work. It can't. I can't.

Is pain a step in the healing process? Where do I turn when I've estranged everyone from what's really going on? I know there are those that read this that truly love me. Thank you. Thank you all who comment and email. You must know the help that it is. Sorry for the sad post, I'm just feeling so much right now that I can't wait till I've got it figured out.

I feel horrible for persisting in smoking, especially given my enrollment at BYU. I'm done now.

I don't know. What do you think?

2008-07-25T02:29:00.003-06:00

I took a really well-placed vacation. Three weeks - one on the bike in Montana with my family and two in Alaska with very dear friends. I decided that it would be a complete hiatus from all the things that were on the table in my mind. It proved to be a little more difficult to clear that table than I had expected, but I did it. I relaxed everything, including my responsibility and guilt mechanisms. Wow, has this been helpful. It's like there's this wall and I'm pushing on it with all my strength and I won't give up till I push through. After some time, while I was still pushing with all my strength, the force that I was applying to the wall was a quarter of what it was when I started. So I stopped and stood up from my slouched position to re-evaluate if, where, and how to push.

Now that I'm nearing the end of the trip, I'm allowing stuff back onto my mind's table one issue by one. I've come across some questions and I'd like to write them (this helps like talking things through with somebody) and possibly hear some others' thoughts on them.

1. I am still ashamed and sick for experiencing same gender attraction. When I talk with anybody about this, I feel so gay. I would never want anybody to feel offended that I associate so many negative feelings with that term, but I can't call myself gay and not be very offset and upset with me. I'm really ashamed for these feelings and attractions. I know that there is a difference between attraction and action; nonetheless, I still feel this way. This needs to change, but how is it done. Sometimes, I think that I need to set this right to before I work on moving forward; and at other times, I think of this snag as being something that is slowing me down on my attempts to move forward and that I just need to detach the snag and let it take care of itself. The feelings of shame and guilt are potent and very unsettling, so I don't like to linger there. When I talk with some body about it, I feel dirty afterward. When I see an attractive guy, I am reminded of these desires and I feel dirty. I don't like to feel that way and I feel it constantly. That's a big part of why I've liked this vacation so much. How does one fix this...make it so that they don't feel wrong about it. I've read the church pamphlet "God loveth His children" and I've talked with the Matis' and my bishop, and in spite of all they've said, I can't get past the anger of being this way.

2. I was on a walk tonight and I realized that I feel like I went too far in coming out to myself. I've been allowing myself to say that I'm gay. I don't think that I'm going to say that anymore. I'm going to stop it at saying that I experience strong same-gender attraction - sga - and that it's really an obstacle for me. When I'd say that I'm gay, I felt like I was saying that I experience these attractions and not only am I ok with it, but I'm accepting of it and even allowing it. This is totally a result of my definition of the word, but all-the-same, I think it'll be helpful to change my language for now.

3. Relating to the first question, should I fix things or change or correct something before I try to move forward, or should I just move forward? If I try to do the former, then I feel like I'm starting on the way to be stagnant; and like stagnant water, I start to rot. If I do the latter, then am I setting myself up for disaster down the road for not fixing the problems or am I saying "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down!"?

As a concluding remark, clearing the table in my mind has been a very good experience. Relaxing my responsibility and guilt mechanisms has been equally wonderful. I can't do this all the time cause usually, there are important decisions to make and relationships to be responsible in and people to be responsive to, but the hiatus has been effective in helping me to find that I can be...experience sga and not have my family know and still have an amazing relationship with them. With sga being kicked from the concerns table, I was able to feel so there with my family and with the people in Alaska and not feel distanced. Hooray. I also realized how much I love the people I know in the sga community whether in person or through blogging.

In Hiding

2008-06-29T23:28:00.016-06:00

It'd be so nice if they knew; but then again, would it?

My dad and I recently spent a week together on our motorcycles riding to and from and around AZ. Camping, talking, advising, cliff jumping and everything else fathers and sons do. I was indescribably excited for this week; but during the week, things started to feel short-changed and when it was over, I was really upset. From the outside and maybe for him, the week was great. We did anything that you could have wanted to do. But there was something very real putting distance between us. This thing that is 60% of my life (I'm trying to bring that down...) I couldn't say a word to him about it or ask for his thoughts or philosophies.

I used to talk with my parents a lot-each one,twice daily. I know it sounds excessive, but they were always really nice calls and we always had good stuff to chat about. Up until April (when I "came out") there wasn't a part of me or a worry or a joy that I didn't share with them. Now, we talk twice a week, and our conversations seem to take place because they're supposed to. It's not their fault. My mom has asked me if something is wrong...she wonders why we don't talk much anymore. My sisters and cousins,who I see often, have asked the same thing wondering why I'm not as energetic and outgoing and happy as I used to be.

As I've described, I tried to tell my sister. That didn't go well. Today, I spent the whole evening with my dearest cousins, but a large part of me wasn't there... I've come to understand what Calvin meant when he said that if he continued on without telling his parents, he felt he would explode. I'm slowly isolating and distancing myself from my family, and they're asking me "why". SGA would explain so much and they would understand so many more of the things that make me feel empty or full.

This evening, with my cousins, I did a little imagining of what it would be like if my family knew.........
It was horrible. People would walk as if they were on egg shells. I would be the "gay cousin" that had everybody confused for so long. If my parents knew, I would go from being their only son to their gay son. They wouldn't alienate me or shun me. They'd love me; but, I would no longer be their only son, I'd be their gay son. Everything would change. The distance between us would grow, not diminish. It would grow cause I hated myself for being the problem and because they wouldn't know what to say...so they wouldn't say much at all. The gay bashing would be stopped at the tips of the tongues and the resulting silence would be mystery to none, rather would serve to remind everyone as to why we don't make those jokes anymore. There would be a homosexual in the family, and so things would have to change...........
I know that I could keep it at just telling my parents, but that would start nasty secret keeping that would be really rotten whenever more of the family was together and either shared their views on homos (you'd be surprised at how often this happens) or asked some "why" questions of me wherein the answer would be "well...cause I've got this gay problem."

I was really starting to consider telling my parents and maybe some others... No, not after tonight. Maybe I can fix this distance problem without disclosing anything. Our relationship has been excellent in the past. It just seems that now, the hardest issue I've ever known - the one that kicks my butt; the one that's been the source of the greatest fear, shame, and uncertainty of my life; the one that I need help most in - I have to hide...

P.S. My imagined outcome of "what could happen if..." is just my best honest guess at what coming out to family would cause. My family really is incredible, they think that I'm going to be and do great things. They really do give me a lot of credit, maybe I'm not giving them enough. I'm just too afraid that what used to be so amazing could be lost for good. The less risky thing would be to try and bring things back to the way they were without telling them about this struggle.

Cool Conversations

2008-06-28T01:45:00.011-06:00

So, I've had some really nice conversations lately via email, over the phone, or in person that have really given me some food for thought. Some of the people I talked with were really liberal, none of them were ultra-conservative, and the rest were in the middle.

I've got a friend that nobody knows that would like me to "just be what God made me, the way that he made me; because He evidently intends that I be that way." He wants me to accept who I am because if I don't, I'll just cause a lot of pain to anyone who I include in my guaranteed-to-fail attempt at a hetero lifestyle. He said that he had done a ton of research about these attempts and said that they really did fail. I know that he wants to keep me from sadness and so he's really just sharing what he's experienced. I wrote back that I've done a lot of research too. Ultimately, I've found that there are so many strong opinions out there about this (really, try to find someone that doesn't have a strong opinion about this issue and I'll give you a candy bar) that I've got to base my hopes and beliefs about future possibilities off my own experiences and the ways that God helps me to understand them. I know that I'm gay. It's been a long time and a hard road for me to be able to say that. But at the same time - or even before that, I was and am Robert; and Robert is whoever I make him to be. Homosexuality and homosexual characteristics is and are an influence in my life - they influence me, they don't determine me. This is the hardest, scariest, and biggest challenge I've ever known. Sometimes, it seems like it controls me. With the challenge being such, I don't think that I can hope to win by exerting any amount of effort, faith, patience, or trust that I've exerted in the past. For this challenge, the difficulty of which I haven't even fully fathomed, it'll take effort, determination, endurance, and heart the likes of which I've never known before. I'll be required to go deeper within myself and trust, not seeing, in the Lord in a way that I've not yet done. But...if I do...if by some miracle, I can have a will strong enough to last in this...then I can only know that I'll find myself grateful for enduring the indefinite trial. The indefinite part may well be the hardest part. Being gay doesn't necessitate immorality or compromised integrity. I can still hope and work to be totally moral, in spite of sga. I never need to break covenants, oaths, or promises - my word should and can be my bond. I know these are lofty goals, but it was revelatory when they hit me...and they hit me hard.

The other conversation was with an elderly couple. We had a chat about their son and his challenge and their subsequent involvement in the lds sga scene and the things that they learned in light of it. Our talk really helped me to remember that I once knew that God knew where I would be long before I got there and that where I am now is not by mistake. I'm Robert, born to Mike and Billie, sga lds, brother to four sisters, and friend of amazing souls all because that's exactly the slate I was asked/allowed to take and accepted in pre-mortal existence. I really learned, a few years ago, that where we are and who we are now was foreseen before we were born, and that there are more callings on the road ahead...all of them shaping and molding each individual in the only way that he or she could have been shaped and molded. This couple shared experience upon experience that affirmed and re-affirmed this principle. In consequence to their sharing as well as in consequence to things that I've learned in my walkings, I saw once again a very large picture. Same gender attraction was put into the context of mortality and trials, and mortality and trials was put between pre-mortal preparation and post-mortal progression, and that was put between eternity and eternity; all in the context of the work of Heavenly Father and Christ and the Holy Ghost for bringing more souls to live in celestial glory, love, and light. I know that our conversation sounds like it was all a little melodramatic, but it wasn't. It was really just a very fitting, quiet, and comfortable chat to have shared.

Someday, I'll have a family. God asks us to remember the things that He's taught us in such a way that we can make decisions based on those things even if we aren't filled with a burning belief in them a the time that the decision needs to be made. If once, long ago, we learned, undeniably, that in spite of our wrongs, God was willing to guide us out of our dangerous corners to light, happiness, and destined callings, then we can rest assured that the same is the case now...and forever. For a bit of humor and irony, a quote from The Boondock Saints fits to end this post: "The question is not how far. The question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far as is needed?"

Sometimes, I don't think I posses it; sometimes, I think otherwise; and then again, sometimes, I just don't think about it cause it feels better not to. Sometimes, I don't think I can do what I know I should...or more truthfully said, sometimes, I don't do what I know Heavenly Father would help me to do because I lack the heart to continue to try...that is, if I'm being totally honest. But, often, I remember what I've experienced and the awakenings and testimonies that God has shared to me...and I make choices based on what I know I once knew (and therefore still know)...and I do better.

Sometimes...

Give-up-itis???

2008-06-14T18:09:00.005-06:00

Hmmm. It’s been too long. Since I last posted, I’ve messed up a lot. Boy, I’m really sorry for that. I’m at the point now to where I don’t know if I should just throw up my hands with this or whether I should keep fighting. “Throw up my hands” doesn’t mean “embrace homosexuality.” It just means “drop the issue and live life aside of it.” I know it won’t go away, but I don’t think it’ll do any good to turn a lot of attention to achieving progress—especially when I don’t even know what kind of progress to achieve. By throwing up my hands, the pathway I’m living life on will no longer be measured by success or failure in being gay or straight. I’m not sure whether this is a bad case of give-it-up-itis or whether it’s smart…or both. Whatever it is, I’m doing it.

I haven’t talked to my bishop in a little while because I don’t want to tell him how things are going unless I can tell him how it’s going well. A little more than a month ago, I started to do a nightly scripture and prayer with Aaron via video chat (skype). Wow, that was really nice. One of the thoughts that he shared was from The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis. It talks about divine love and goodness.

“By the goodness of God we mean nowadays almost exclusively His lovingness; and in this we may be right. And by Love, in this context, most of us mean kindness—the desire to see others than the self happy; not happy in this way or in that, but just happy. What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of anything we happened to like doing, ‘What does it matter so long as they are contented?’ We want, in fact not so much a Gather in Heave as a grandfather in heaven—a senile benevolence who, as they say, ‘liked to see the young people enjoying themselves’, and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, ‘a good time was had by all.’ Not many people, I admit, would formulate a theology in precisely those terms: but a conception not very different lurks at the back of many minds. I do not claim to be an exception…”

And about love: “The lowest type, and one which is ‘love’ at all only be an extension of the word, is that which an artist feels for an artifact. God’s relation to man is pictured thus in Jeremiah’s vision of the potter and the clay, or when St. Peter speaks of the whole Church as a building on which God is at work, and of the individual members as stones. The limitation of such an analogy is, of course, that in the symbol the patient is not sentient, and that certain question of justice and mercy which arise when the ‘stones’ are really ‘living’ therefore remain unrepresented. But it is an important analogy so far as it goes. We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character. Here again we come up against what I have called the ‘intolerable compliment’ (basically that God loves us so much that he will not leave us alone—thus intolerable and complimenting). Over a sketch made idly to amuse a child, an artist may not take much trouble: he may be content to let it go even though it is not exactly as he meant it to be. But over the great picture of his life—the work he loves...—he will take endless trouble—and would, doubtless, thereby give (be the source of) endless trouble to the picture if it were sentient. One can imagine a sentient picture, after being rubbed and scraped and recommenced for the tenth time, wishing that it were only a thumbnail sketch whose making was over in a minute. In the same way, it is natural for us to wish that God had designed for us a less glorious and less arduous destiny; but then we are wishing not for more love but for less.”

Maybe we’re not supposed to fix every broken thing in life. Maybe, we’re supposed to do the most possible good with what we have. Maybe, these broken things are the very same things that will enable us to achieve greater levels of service that would otherwise be impossible. Maybe, we’re not all supposed to have the “traditional” life here...or maybe it’ll just happen a little later on. And along with that, what can we hope to become without learning to deny or control our passions…ourselves? Please don’t think of me as trying to preach. The only person I’m trying to teach here is myself. Otherwise, I’d be bordering hypocrisy. Maybe, we should just do what we can, find happiness where it is now, and hope (sometimes blindly) that the rest will work out according to some/the divine plan…

And maybe I just think too much…

Coming Out

2008-05-03T21:37:00.012-06:00

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote. And quite a lot has happened. With regard to "coming out" (it feels odd using that term) I wasn't even entertaining the possibility of it, but because of Calvin, Aaron, Jake, and now Michael (another friend I recently met), I came to the feeling that it would be good to talk to my two closest friends about it. Both are girls and I dated both and loved them both-and still do. As a side note, we didn't kiss-I haven't kissed a girl since I was jumped by one at the age of 15. I also talked with my bishop about sga and tried to talk with my little sister (we're really close) but that didn't go quite how I was hoping.

The first person I told was Hill. She is on the other side of the country finishing her masters. I had some "Thank You" cards and I decided-quite quickly-that I would write the card to her and tell her the "rest" about me. Now, Hill and I have a great past and some very extra-ordinary memories with each other. We spent a month on the road together, and for anybody that's been on long road trips, they know how much takes place. We became better friends than I could have imagined. Well, in the middle of studying for a final, I decided to write it cause I was in one of those really reflective and deep-pondering moods. When I started to write, it really felt like it was coming from deep inside me. It took me about 4 hours and a few times of putting my head down on the table to hide the tears, but I got it done and I was really happy with the outcome. I'll include the text of the letter later. I called her and asked her if I could share "that thing about me that I said I could never before have imagined sharing." I had told her that there was such a thing about me that I just couldn't imagine sharing with somebody. She said "yes," I said "why," she said "when," and I said "well, I wrote the letter and I'm putting it in the mail collection box right now." A couple of days later, I was really starting to wonder if I shouldn't call her up and ask her to not read the letter. I WAS TELLING HER THE I WAS ATTRACTED TO OTHER GUYS!!! It made me feel so gross. Well, in the middle of the day, I got a text from her that said "I love you Robert. More later." (I saved it on my phone.) I immediately knew that I had a true friend there. She called me and we talked forever (the good kind of forever). I remember her telling me that she took the letter and sat on the steps of her apartment in the sun and opened and read it. She said that the whole time she was reading it, she kept on thinking: "I love this boy." In the letter I said that I am still the same Robert that I've always been-I have the same dreams, goals, desires, and passions to do great and effective things...it's just that I'm trying to figure out how to allow myself to be a better me. She said that she totally saw that. Two other things that she said that meant the world to me were these: "I was really surprised at how little it shocked me," and "I still love you and everything I learn about you makes me love you more." Wow, what a good first coming out experience.

Then, a day later, I traveled up to Rexburg, ID to camp a night with Addie. Addie and I had a really interesting relationship in that so very much of our pasts were similar and because of that, we identified so well with each others experiences and feelings. When I got to Rexburg, Addie had another friend with her, and we chatted and had fun setting up camp and making the fire. As soon as the friend left, Addie and I gave each other a really good hug and started eating hot dogs...not exactly related events, but sequential. I really don't quite remember why I started-if there was some thing that kinda triggered me-but I just started to tell her what had had been happening over the last four weeks. I told it to her like it was a story, and in telling her about those four weeks, I had to include (for clarity purposes) some of the kinds of things that I had experienced that lead me to the situation preceding that fateful Monday night at the Matis'. I do remember that I couldn't look at her while I was talking and I had to say it all as if it was another me talking-one that, once started, wouldn't stop. It was my first time doing this in person. I knew that Addie was a specially understanding person and safe and non-judgemental, so I really believed that she wouldn't disengage our friendship because of this. To my great relief, she told me that she was grateful for me having confided in her and that she was honored that I felt such a way about her that I could do so. Addie told me that she hadn't ever learned anything about me or my past that hadn't made her love me more, and she said that this was no different. I told Addie that I will be a father and husband someday and that I know that Heavenly Father knows what's going on and that if I do what is right, I'll end up in the wonderful place that he's planned for me-even though and even perhaps because doing what's right is going to be so hard (I don't mean refraining from a homo relationship, rather, I mean the experience and process of dating and marrying a girl). Addie and I spent the whole next day enjoying each other's company and being glad to have spent the night together.

I drove back Saturday night and on Sunday, I asked my bishop if I could come to him after church to get one of the new bar code temple recommends. He was good with that, so I went up after priesthood and waited. Well, the bishop seemed pretty busy and he asked me if it would be ok for me to do the interview with the first counselor. The interview went well, and because of this new development, I could honestly say that I was living a chaste life. Yesss!!! But, I still hadn't talked with my bishop about "it." I almost just left to go for an interview with a member of the stake presidency, but thinking about telling Michael, Aaron, Calvin, and Jake that I backed out kept me there. I waited till the bishop had nobody left and I asked him if I could have a few moments...I had a couple questions to ask... Because I had come out twice in the last 36 hours, I was able to clearly and quickly tell him "what's new in my life." The first question that anybody would ask you after not seeing you for a while (he had been my bishop a few months earlier and now I was back). I'm sure that it wasn't the answer that he thought he was going to get. I made sure to tell him what it had been like to come out and have friends in this (I felt better, more capable and ok to have the the Spirit, healthier, a little more afraid, and quite unsure of what to do about it all). I also told him about the things I had truly learned by the Spirit and uncompromisingly knew (that Heavenly Father will always take me in as long as I am willing to come to Him; that if I do the things that He helps me to know that I should do, I'll be where I need to be-where he wants me to be; and that because of Christ and his sacrifice, someday, way out there, I can become right enough to live in Their godly presence). And thirdly, I made sure to tell him that I want to find out how to move forward and, as my patriarchal blessing tells me, be a father and husband someday. My bishop is a stud-a really great man. He said that he was glad for my attitude and for the way that I was working on understanding what was going on. He gave me some things to look out for, especially regarding the new friends that I was meeting and their attitude toward the gospel and the church. Most of all, he helped me to finally feel that I really was ok. That I was an ok person, that I was ok and going to make it, and that I was ok and worthy for the Spirit to be in my life. He really just brought me round to where I need to be in thinking about myself. "Wow," I was thinking, three in a row and each one very good.

So, after a week or so of thinking about how good it everything had turned out, I thought that maybe it would be ok for my little sister (who lives in the same complex as me) to know...maybe then she wouldn't rag on me so hard for not being married. It's gotta be known how much she pushes this! Well, while were in the car driving, I asked her something, and it all went like this: "Do you love me?" "Of course I do, I love you sooo much." "Will you always love me, no matter anything?" "Yes!... What's going on?... Are you moving?... Did you start to date another girl?..." "No, no, hahaha. I was just wondering. So...do you really want to know why I never married Hill or Addie?" "Yes..." "Well...(now there were quite a few pauses here)sis...I don't know why...well...ever since I can remember...I've, well...I've been attracted to other guys and not girls." ...[silence]... Then my little sister BUSTS out laughing and saying "b__ s___! b__ s___! hahahaha!" and she just kept laughing hysterically, and not the nervous laugh, but for real laughing. I tried to say that I was serious and not joking, but she just thought it was funnier and funnier. So, finally, I said, "Haha, but I really had you going. Ha ha ha." Then she pulled out her phone and dialed up mom and dad and she told me that I had to play the same joke on them! Yeah, so that didn't go too well...I didn't play the "joke" on my parents and my sister still thinks I was being funny.

I guess, that'll just mean that I'm keeping it to the two close friends that I've told and be happy with that. Kind of a count your blessings thing. At least, that's the plan for the near and not-too-distant future. All in all, coming out was so good. I think it does two things. It helps you to understand that you're not as bad of a person as you came to believe yourself to be, and it allows you to honor your true friendships in that you include your friends and allow their help and love and support to lift you from being so far down. Hopefully, you find out that they still love you and think well of you in spite of this thing.

Fun With New Friends

2008-04-19T00:21:00.005-06:00

So since my last post, I've made some friends in the sga community. Calvin, Aaron, and Jake. Well, communication started with facebook and messages therewith. Calvin and Aaron live in Provo and Jake is in Ogden (a couple hours north). They're all really patient and non-intrusive in the sense that they were there to help or they were totally ok if I decided that I would go back to the way things were and pretend like I never met or talked with them. I surpassed the nerves and worries and started talking with them over the phone and eventually decided to do lunch with Calvin and Aaron and some movies. Just try to imagine the meeting. I totally wasn't sure what kind of discussion they were thinking of and the same visa versa. There were definately a few um's and silences at first, but then, we started talking pretty freely. Some of it was about our shared problem and some of it was about anything. It felt pretty good to be talking for real and not hiding anything, but it was still aquard cause of how it was so arranged. We ended up going hot-tubbing and just talking until late in the night. The next day, we watched a movie in the afternoon and then went into the mountains in the late evening and made a fire and spent the evening (until about 2am) cooking steaks and shooting some guns.

Now, I know this sounds quite random and, knowing that we three have that same sga issue, kind of gay. Well...random it was, but gay it wasn't. You've gotta know this. The main reason that I wanted to meet up with these guys is cause they've been traveling this road of dealing with sga longer than me and they had both, via email, mentioned that their real goal was to have a real family of their own and be good, faithful husbands and fathers. I, too, HAVE NO GREATER DESIRE. Instead of this being some homo-endulging fun time, we really felt safe knowing that we shared this common ailment and common goal. Safe is a very great way to feel, especially when it is so rare. I've also noticed that I have been so much stronger at fighting this weakness since I confronted it, meaning that I've not had event the desire for inappropriate things since that Monday night thing with the Matis'. I was talking with Jake today and I described it to him thus: "Ok, it doesn't feel like this, but this description seems to fit what the situation looks like objectively. It's almost like there's this need or void inside me that I've been neglecting to acknowledge, and accordingly, it's gone to extremes to be filled. Now that I'm confronting it, the need/desire is getting met by meeting and talking with friends that have the same problem and I don't feel like it's killing me anymore-I feel like I'm ok to pray and try to have the Spirit. I feel so much better now-healthier."

I guess what I wanted to say with this post is that things have really gotten better this week with regards to my new friends and the things that I'm learning and experiencing. Some hope! Good friends mean the world. Really they do.

A New Light, A New Life

2008-04-16T00:30:00.007-06:00

The last two weeks have been really different and pretty difficult...I'm trying to figure if it's a good different or not. I was invited by a few close friends to come to a meeting that was held for people dealing with same gender attraction (SGA). I went, telling my friends that I was there to support others and that I was really interested in the issue; all the while, thinking that maybe it wasn't a good idea to be there cause I might end up facing my own long hidden SGA issue.

It's really tragic, sometimes, how life seems to develop. My past seems like a blur cause of how I just refused to think about it for so long. I think this issue started for me when I was five, or at least that's the farthest back I can remember something happening. It pervaded my whole adolescent experience, always threatening to be discovered. I really expunged everything I could when I prepped for and went on a mission, but even then, I still had a hard time with it emotionally. My mission was great, and I've had truly life-altering experiences post mission(ones for the better). However, life has been bumpy especially since I've been off my mission (about 4 years). At one point, I talked to the most amazing bishop I ever had about "things I've never talked to a priesthood leader about that maybe I should have." But even then, I (as much in denial to myself as anybody) denied that I had any actual real attractions like that (it's shocking how much you can bend your own reality). I thought that it meant I was defective or marred and I couldn't be that, not if I wanted a family. Self-deceit, what a killer of hope and hearts. So, I've just been having a split nature - one half (the well meaning LDS boy) hating the other half (the SGA part), and man, it hurts.

So, after the SGA fireside/meeting, I met some people that I knew from previous classes. These were guys that were really great people, and that I thought of as model LDS BYU students (I think even higher of them now). We chatted a little and ate some refreshments and then chatted some more. Anyway, while I was there "for support", one stranger came up to me when I was momentarily alone and made some comment that assumed that I was gay (this term only indicates SGA challenged). Because he was a stranger, I dropped the pretense and, for the first time in my life, admitted the issue. This is when the different feeling from the first paragraph came in, almost like it flipped on inside me. I don't remember much that we talked about that evening because I was so worried and off-set by this really different and odd way that I felt. As the evening ended, and we went for our cars, I said to my friend, "Hey, Johnny (not his real name), remember how I said that this issue is something that I really have a lot of interest in? Well, I guess what I was trying to say is that this is something that I deal with myself. This is something that is a real problem for me..." My friend was really kind and understanding, having decided to face his own SGA one year earlier. So he told me to contact him if I ever needed help or support.

For the next week, this different feeling really kept me off balance and I stayed pretty secluded for it. I constantly felt exposed and afraid. I didn't want to explore what I was feeling; all I wanted was to be still and safe. I don't know that I've ever felt that way before, and I didn't think that I liked it, except that I did feel better for having been to the fireside and talked with people like I did. Just today, I think I found how to define this new something: a new light. It's kind of like I've had this door that I've refused to open or think about, and now, I've opened it and turned on the light, and there's all this stuff in here that I've always hid and it's time to maybe take a look at it and sort it out - the trash from the keepers. I'm still very lost as to where to go, and what to do. But, now I know that I'm not alone, and that I have good friends that have experiences and are willing to share with me ideas.

Long ago, on the mission, I made a promise to the Lord that the testimonial experiences that He had given me would never be discarded. That I would always know what He had given me to know: that He loves me and is always ready to take me in and comfort and heal me; that He is in control and as long as I keep my choices true to what I know He wants me to do, I am where he foresaw me to be and therefore safe in his hands; and that repentance is the way to become right again and is a gift given by Christ to all who will use it. I will forever keep that promise. I've come to accept that some challenges will never go away, but I have a real hope that the Lord sees the end of our mortal journeys and will lead us to the best exit.

So, this blog will chronicle a new beginning in life, and the places it leads me.